u/Human_Read7993

I'm not really happy with my dermatologist but I'm not sure if it's because of her age (she's retiring soon apparently) or if all derms are like this. Unfortunately she's the only one in my state. The mention of TSW not being caused by steroids occurred in my second appointment with her.

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My first appointment was in person around the end of last year. My skin was so bad as I had no skin barrier around parts of my face and I was so sore and sensitive to everything. She basically wanted me on dupixent but I have so much hesitation around it. The only thing she offered in that appointment was steroid cream or dupixent. I basically came out of it with the same steroid cream I had been given going into it.

That didn't work so I stopped the steroid cream as it wasn't helping as I've been trying it on and off and it never helped at any point in journey with ezcema (I had a bad case of eczema as a kid and then nothing for 16 years until a year or two ago when it came back and worse than before). I switched and tried this pharmacist skin barrier cream and it was a life saver 👌🏻. It took a month and a half but I finally got the majority of my skin barrier back for the first time in around 5 months. It's been a very slow healing journey reintroducing moisturisers and skin care I used to use for most of my life prior to this flare up.

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My second appointment was a phone appointment with my derm. I brought up TSW as she was prescribing an even stronger steroid for my skin. She then scoffed and said I had been googling too much and mentioned that she just went to a recent conference for dermatologists where TSW was discussed and they mentioned that it's not scientifically proven so it's not something that actually is caused by steroid withdrawal.

I'm a bit taken back and I'm not sure about my derm for that and other reasons like her getting frustrated with me when I asked where I should put the steroid cream on around my eyes as I wasn't sure if it was safe to put it under my eys. She was like 'come on now I cant tell you where to put it just wherever there's redness'. In my head in thinking you better damn well tell me as I'm paying you out of pocket and this isn't a cheap meeting 😐

I have Asian skin so I have some darkening of the skin around my eyes from a past flare up and me constantly rubbing around that region and she mentioned that it's hard to see the redness because of my skin tone but basically I have to put it on my forehead, side of my eyes and under my eyes but the only actually red spot and thickening of my skin is under my nose and above my mouth.

So I have to use the steroid that's stronger than advantan fatty ointment for a single week and then drop back down to the one my GP had me use for flare ups which was the 1% steroid (so much weaker than the advantan and weirdly I saw more results on it 🤷🏻‍♀️). She tried to tell me to go on the advantan and even forgot I had been on it leading into my first appointment.. but I've told her I've been using it for most of my life at diff stages and it's never worked so now she's putting me on a stronger one for a short period of time as I told her I don't want to use the advantan.

My next appointment is for an in person appointment.

So I’m FA, but the guy I dealt with seemed FA with a strong DA lean. Something that confuses me is that he once admitted he hurts people who hurt him as a way to reflect their behaviour back to them. I don’t relate to that at all, so I’m wondering if this is a common avoidant pattern or something else entirely as this is the first time I've ever come across anyone with his behaviour.

Also I do feel a lot of shame after this dynamic so if anyone has any tips or advice related to how to overcome it I would appreciate it 🙏🏻

This is long, but the context matters.

Also pls be kind with this as a lot of the things I discovered happen after the events occurred when I was left alone trying to understand what was going on. It was only then that I discovered the juggling and the depth of everything. I also carry quite a bit of shame about how I feel about myself after all of this now which I also hate and weirdly also feel ashamed about 😅

This guy and I had met in person but we lived in diff states. He asked for my insta and that's how everything began. 4 months into messaging and talking I brought up how I was going to be in his city in a few months and a month later he invited me to travel overseas with him for the following month, it was too late notice and I couldn’t make it. He made his month long trip appear completely solo and I later discovered that at some point during that trip another woman saw he was in another country near hers and reached out and she later joined him on the last few days of his trip. They had met only once while he was travelling but nothing came from it aside from them following each other on their socials but he also followed a lot of other women from that country during the same trip and she didn't seem to be anyone he was keeping warm. About half way firing his trip I sensed a shift in his energy which became extremely noticeable toward the end of it. When I tried to address it, he deflected again. I stepped back to understand what was going on as I could sense that I wasn't the only one in the picture and I also wanted to focus on a major work event.

I chose not to meet up with him or arrange anything when I was in his city during this period as well as it was during this time I discovered the following:

1. There was another woman in the picture.

2. She had flown to join him at the end of his trip

3. After he had omitted her in his social media post about the girls and made it look solos he reacted with all of this heart break content.

4. On his way home he made a detour to her home country for a single night hook up before he flew back to his country.

During the month when I stepped back he ended things with the woman that had flown to join him on his trip. When I returned after the month he shortly after fully discarded the woman and unfollowed her. She caused her to spiral with posting heartbreak content and then longing content, which made me think he ended things to make space for me coming back, but he never explained anything directly.

Around this period, I expressed hurt about not feeling chosen first after discovering the juggling and secrecy. He deflected again, so I ghosted him because I was exhausted by the dismissiveness and dishonesty and I was feeling really hurt after seeing how much he had invested in that woman after he declined an invite I gave him to see soemthign together when I was in his city based on cost. Only weeks later, he publicly showcased another woman. When I reached out wanting honesty he deflected and he tried to keep me emotionally hooked while downplaying or hiding that he was still seeing her. Once I realised he was juggling me again, I cut him off and unfollowed him. Days later, that girl he had publicly shown unfollowed him too, and their public relationship ended shortly after. I then disappeared for four months.

After those four months, I reconnected to see if anything had changed and I asked for him to meet me halfway with honesty which took him days to respond too. After he agreed but shortly after I caught him going out on a date with someone else and I finally pushed for full honesty and he instead pushed to visit me and he deflect my ask by pushing to see me. This led me to finally confront him about everything that had happened. All of the unfairness, the juggling, and the imbalance in investment, he never directly addressed the behaviour itself. Instead, he spoke vaguely about our differences, how we were raised, and offered me “real friendship,” which I declined because there was still no accountability and I made that the requirement for me to even consider his offer.

One of the biggest things I confronted him about was investment. From my perspective, he seemed willing to invest time, money, and effort into other women while giving me excuses. This hurt especially because the overseas trip he originally invited me to was where all the secrecy and juggling started.

A specific example with the woman who joined him on his trip: I invited him to an event when I was going to be in his city and he declined because of the cost of an $80 ticket. Later, I discovered that around the same time I had invited him to this event, he had just flown to Thailand for a single night to see the same girl from the overseas trip before flying home. I only discovered all of this later on but when I learned about this it was the moment everything clicked for me. It wasn’t just the juggling that hurt, it was realising that money and effort clearly weren’t the issue. He was simply prioritising someone else and when I invited him to something he not only declined on cost he was so preoccupied in placating this woman after he had seen her react with heart break after he had omitting her from his post that he was too busy with her wouldn't even consider offering me something free as an alternative yet he had not only spent soo much more to fly to see her for a single night but he arranged all of it.

What made it slightly disturbing was that during the original overseas trip, he had asked me to help him write the Instagram post about it which was the post that he omitted her in. It felt so weird that he pushed for me to help him with that post as soon she had left him and that he was trying to pull me close after he had just spent 3 nights with someone else. After I confronted him about all of this it was the first time he had directly lied and it was about knowing that woman who joined him on his trip, he slowly faded conversations again and used the excuse that he “wouldn’t really be on social media much anymore.” I walked away after that as it made me realise his capacity.

What really affected me afterward was that months later, he suddenly started posting prices on all his Instagram stories something he had never done before. The reason this mattered is because “investment and price” as well as perceived effort toward others versus me had been one of the main things I told him hurt me. It felt like he took the exact thing that caused me pain and indirectly displayed it publicly after knowing how much it affected me and he plastered price on eveyrhting.

When I confronted him about that too, he dismissed it, said he “forgot,” and accused me of bringing up the past. Eventually I admitted how much shame and emotional damage this dynamic had caused me and that distance felt safer for me than closeness as closeness with him now gives me anxiety. For th first time ever he ghosted me after that but days later he hinted on his socials of treating/investing in soemone which annoyed me even more as I had just expressed only days prior how much shame I felt from all of this and seeing how he valued me compared to others. I unfollowed him after that and then I asked him if it was intentional what he was doing but he ghsoted me once again. I walked after and it's been a month since then.

What messed with me most was the pattern: whenever I pulled away after being hurt, he often seemed to publicly display the exact behaviour that had hurt me, usually involving another woman. The first major example was publicly showcasing another woman only weeks after I had expressed hurt about not feeling chosen first. And then again investing in someone else after I had just expressed how that hurt me only days prior.

At some point it stopped feeling accidental and started feeling intentional, or at least emotionally retaliatory. That’s what I can’t understand. He once mentioned during the period when I had confronted him about eveyhrign that he hurts people who hurt him and he holds up a mirror to reflect their actions back to them. Ofc he was indirect so I wasn't sure if he was referring to how he reacted to me or other past behavior.

Can avoidants actually become this reactive and indirect when confronted, or is this something else entirely? Because from my perspective, it felt emotionally cruel.