aroace, aplatonic, afamilial, agender — I don't think I've ever hated anyone, and I'm not sure I know what love is either
I've never had a friend. Not "struggled to make friends" — never had one, not once, growing up through now. I've never felt a bond with my family either, no matter how they've treated me. It's not that something happened to make me distant from people — I just don't form that pull toward anyone, the one that seems to come so naturally to everyone else.
I think what I feel is closer to agape — a kind of love for all of humanity, undirected the same toward everyone, instead of the specific, bonded love people describe feeling for the people close to them.
Gender's been its own confusion since I was a kid. Never landing on "man" or "woman" at any point, through childhood into adulthood. Agender is the closest word I've found for it.
I was 13 — I went through a period of real existential dread, the kind that makes you question everything. Maybe that's where the agape thing started.
What I've done instead — is understanding how things work. Software, then machine learning and deep learning, and I'm pulled hard right now toward engineering and robotics. Cosmology too — I want the universe's existence actually explained, not just described. I think learning became the thing I could feel something toward.
I don't know what my future looks like or where any of this leads. No one in my life actually knows me — I've mostly just stayed quiet and carried this as something that makes me an outlier, without really talking about it until now.
If any of this sounds familiar — the agender confusion, existential dread, the family bond that never formed — I'd genuinely like to hear how it's shown up for you.