r/aplatonic

So within the past year I've begun to think I'm aplatonic. There's really a lot of factors that go into this. I have autism so it's already hard for me to communicate with others. I moved for university almost 2 years ago and haven't made a single friend, I'm just dating someone I met over Bumble.

I tried, but maybe not that hard. I tried to do things like join clubs but it didn't work out, as it felt like everyone else already knew each other, and that I wasn't even seen as an option. Nobody really taught me how to "make friends" because everyone assumes you already know. I just gave up. If I really wanted friends, wouldn't I have tried harder? Maybe I'm aplatonic to an extent. I found out I'm just sometimes happier alone because I don't have to deal with people I can't control, but sometimes I'm alone for days and it hurts sometimes. So is it possible to be aplatonic and lonely? Does anyone else feel this way?

so yeah i say im aplatonic but i also imply that i dont experience romantic nor sexual attraction without any label for the other orientations. is this common?

Sorry in advance for the very long post.

So, first off, I'm (19) diagnosed autistic, which I'm sure factors into this somehow. I've always been a loner my entire life, without much inner turmoil about the matter. I had friends growing up, but not many, and if I'm honest, I don't remember how I felt about them. My parents and I have always been distant and I don't have siblings. All three of us dislike physical touch, and we usually spend our days deadass on separate floors of the house. Other childhood bullshit and queerness means that our relationship is incredibly weak, and I only see them as a resource. I've always acknowledged that I was heavily introverted and struggled socially, and that's what I thought about myself throughout high school. I had friends (maybe ten) and they were basically just people who invited me places and I said yes to. I always preferred to be alone and kinda just passively liked them. I never missed them, never felt any sort of love towards them. I just said things like "I miss you" and "I love you" as responses because it was the correct response. At this point, I didn't know there was an emotional difference between "I love you" and "I love your shirt"

I spent the first two months of college alone in my dorm room. I knew I was supposed to make friends, and I thought I did, but I never hung out with them of my own accord. My parents kept telling me to invite people places, but I never even thought of it. Not even really that I preferred being alone (which was also true), but that my "friends" genuinely didn't even cross my mind when I went to a show or out to eat or etc. I barely spoke to people outside of class and theatre, and I wasn't lonely at all. I felt completely neutral the entire time. The only people I'd ever missed at this point was a dead cat and a dead youtuber, and I feel like neither of those really count as friends lol.

Then I got in a relationship. And I finally understood a lot of bullshit that had been thrown around me all my life. I was lonely when I wasn't with her, I missed her when we were apart, I actively wanted to see her, I invited her places, was excited to see her, texted her first, and etc etc. I loved her from the moment I met her because my definition of love was, I think, closer to what people call "like." And then, over the course of the next few months, as our relationship grew, I truly fell in love with her and finally understood what that meant and felt like. And I realized just how different it was from my relationships with my "friends." I really valued her, more than I ever have anyone else, and it kinda made me realize I've never experienced love for another person before. It's a little hard to describe just how extreme and different this was for me. I interacted with other people because I was with her, and I met most of my friends through her. She was an extrovert, and she dragged me to social situations, and I wanted to be with her, so I went. I always prioritized her over my friends, and even myself, which probably wasn't good.

Then we broke up. Not getting into the details of that here, but I fell horribly. I tried to replace that relationship with friends, but it was like trying to fill a pothole with an atom lol. I know that my friends care about me, but it doesn't feel real at all. They say they love me, but it doesn't mean anything to me, and I don't know why. I love fictional characters more than them. I tried to get out more after the breakup because I figured it would be good for me, but it was just a means to an end. I knew it was easier to get work done and not cry when I was around people, and that's why I sought people out/said yes to invites. And I'm back to feeling completely neutral again, but this time I'm missing this sense of fulfillment that I had. Recently, all I've been seeing on sites like tumblr is posts about how strongly people feel about their friends, and whenever I talked to mine about this type of stuff, they would say things along the lines of "platonic isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel about my friends" or "you definitely love and are capable of love" and I don't know how to see from that perspective. Whenever I try to talk to people about this, even my therapist, they try and redefine love as something they think I experience. It's been described as attachment (something I kinda get, I think that's kinda all I feel) and also as warmth (??? what do you mean you emotionally feel warmth. what is that), so I don't fucking know. I still kinda feel like it might be in there somewhere, but I have no idea how to get there. I genuinely want to feel love for my friends if that's possible for me but I don't think it is. I try to look for that feeling and there's nothing. I think I just know the script for caring for people, and I can do that well enough. It's difficult for me to see things that a lot of people consider platonic (casual touch, one on one hangouts, etc) as anything other than romantic, so I can't do any of that with my friends without confusing emotions about how I'm supposed to feel.

At this point, I don't know that I actually need an answer, I think I know what's going on here. It's just been really confusing and it's been fucking me up for months. It's still so hard to not feel broken, especially when I'm surrounded by people that feel things for me that I can't feel for them. Any advice, especially in the realm of labels, or commiserating would be appreciated. Thanks for reading??? sorry???

I'm aplatonic and aroace but I've had a lot of friends, bestfriends, boyfriends, and girlfriends. To me there are people in a sea of people. People will come; they'll go and more will come in to replace them, and it's fun, don't get me wrong, but then they get boring and they stop being fun and entertaining or they start getting serious my attention will go elsewhere. The only people I love and feel connection to is my family, they have been here my whole life, and they are the reason I am myself, I just feel so much belonging with them.

I think the cause of me not really noticing people who aren't my family is because of my ADHD, I think it's also the reason I drop people when I get bored, I just can't pay attention to things that don't interest me, which includes anything and all the things I do. For example, in school if I find a topic interesting, I always get a better score than when I find a topic boring, then I'll either skip it or get a bad grade.

I'm also agender and I have anxiety (I have low self-esteem, I avoid attention, I hate group activities because I hate myself and everyone must hate me too, I think part of my anxiety is caused by my identity, if anyone finds out how I identify or about my mental disorders they'll hate me and I'll get bullied verbally and physically, I worry all the time about how other view me, and I hate myself essentially and therefore everyone must hate me too).

I'm also autistic, which I think is why I'm agender and why I feel disconnected from people who aren't family. People are alien and I can't understand them most the time, that's probably why I feel disconnected from them, but even then, I don't connect to other neurodivergent people, they too are alien and I can't understand them, the only people that I feel speak my language is my family.

Sorry if this is cringe or if it doesn't make sense, I just wanted to see if others my age are like this?

having friends is great when it's great, i can talk about stuff i wanna talk. i thought the only thing i gotta do to repay em is to also be there when they need me, but feels like they don't really need me. Like, they think it's chill when im around but if im not then it wouldn't make a change to em.

So yeah, i think imma just go back to solo like how i used to be. with mandatory socializing irl