24 M, depressed, trying my best to not quit
Been experiencing emotional breakdown a lot recently, at least every weekend if not twice or thrice a week.
It began when I got diagnosed with a heart ailment last October. I was hopeful of upgrading my life in all aspects, get into a lot of sports after fixing a certain body part, but instead of that fix I got diagnosed with this heart disease. (This all might sound absurd, but I don't want to give out details of health condition because my acquaintances might guess it's me based on details).
The concerning thing is i think I am getting addicted to this self sabotaging behaviour and emotional breakdown.
And I know I am falling into it due to the lack of love and social interactions in my life. But I still am not taking any action for it. Everything feels very heavy. Even writing this post I feel like I am lost, I am unfit to write this. Nobody cares and nobody should waste their time reading my shit.
Although I am an atheist most days, when somebody bad happens I blame god. I am his hater. But these days the only thing I am holding onto is the irrational belief that somebody would enter my life, pamper like they used to do when I was a kid, and that would pump the courage into me to get back on track.
I wish I could live the life of a toddler for just a day right now, before ending it all.