u/Humble_Cicada_4584

Bit of a vent, sorry if its long and for the weird formatting im on my phone

I met this guy two or months ago at my place of work and he gave me his number, i think hes cute so we go on a date

it was very fun, we got pizza at this sit down restaurant in town then talked in a walmart parking lot for like 4 hours

I catch feelings to put it lightly, i want to talk and be around him all the time, i think about him constantly, hes 'not gay' shocker bc apparently these types of guys are my exact type, love that for me, ffs but yeah its great at first I foolishly think hm maybe this guy actually likes me for me and not my body (im trans ftm been on t for 4 years now, pre top surgery got big ol honkers :( ) but nope ofc not and I would like to preface this by saying when I like someone I can come across very intensely, i have so much love to give, can you blame a guy? Lol anyways hes getting shorter with responses taking more time in between texts im talking 7 to 12 hours and i can tell he doesn't give a fuck anymore, he just wanted to hit and move on ig????? Idek hes giving very mixed signals and im not about to chase this guy for attention, it feels degrading and quiet frankly immature

im a very emotional connection/quality time type of guy so I want to do things with the people I love, go see a movie, go walk in the park, go to a fair for some examples and when I suggested these things he'd just not respond like bro if you dont want to, say no its so damn simple??????? You won't hurt my feelings I promise god but yeah we fuck, its okay, its my first time btw

lol at my big age whatever that was last month

there is a very real possibility that I am pregnant even tho we used protection and I am very depressed suicidal and dysphoric and just over all not loving life currently but we push through ig talking w my doc ab getting an abortion if I am, if not getting an iud put in

Idk what to do, i know what I should do but I still like him even when hes crushing my heart in his hands, i just feel so numb and betrayed but also not surprised

I truly feel unlovable and like a waste of space but what is new

Thank you for coming to my ramble of a Ted talk, sorry it was all over the place lmao