u/Humble_Olive6387

I think I'm going sober-ish. I used to smoke weed everyday then in college I was in a healthcare program that drug tested us and I quit. When I tried to pick it back up it gave me extreme anxiety and paranoia. I'm in college again, I didn't drink pretty much the whole semester so I could focus and study. I went on a bachelorette party and had a few drinks and every day was anxiety. The semester is over and we went to dinner last night and I tried to have a celebratory drink and I got uncomfortable. Anxiety, hot, arguing with my boyfriend (he wasn't arguing, I was just putting him down). I can't tell if these feelings are situations and feelings I avoid and it brings them to light bc I'm usually so nonconfrontational, but it definitely makes things worse. It's usually just that first drink that's uncomfortable. After two drinks I'm good for the time, but usually then I have "hangxiety" the next day.

I do already have anxiety and panic attacks and depression everyday. I usually wake up first thing with anxiety every day. I wake up between 5:30-6:30 AM and take my first Xanax bc I wake up uncomfortable and upset. I don't want to stop the Xanax. I also take Latuda for depression. I don't want to come off that. I hate that I'm reliant on medication, but I've tried all the holistic approaches. I don't know if being on a benzo and other medication is "sober", but I really don't want to stop them bc they do make a huge difference.

I also started picking up cigarettes about 2 years ago. Sometimes it relaxes me, sometimes I feel guilty or like I know it's wrong, sometimes it's a whole vibe.

The thing is I have anxiety either way. I'm so upset that there's nothing to get rid of these feelings and make me feel better. I go to therapy. And I still don't ever get a time when I'm at peace. Being in college and working and staying busy usually helps. But if I second have a second of downtime I spiral. And sometimes I'm so physically sick and fatigued from the depression and anxiety I can't do anything but lay down, where I spiral. It's an endless cycle. I really wish I could just smoke or drink. Everyone around me handles it so well. I feel like something's wrong with me, well, I know stuff is wrong with me. I just want to have fun and be at peace.

I'm not a hobby type person. Trying to create art is actually a stressor. I was committed to a mental facility once and stayed a month in a 7-14 day program partially bc I would become so neurotic and restless and stressed during art class and meditation. I hate collecting stuff that piles up and sits around. I'm too exhausted to kayak anymore and all the water around us is sorry polluted. I tried working out. I took a hip-hop dance class and ran 5 miles every morning for a year and it didn't do anything for me, so I quit.

I just feel hopeless. I just want an outlet or release. It seems the only thing that makes me feel good is working constantly in healthcare. I tried other jobs and would get sent home for crying at my desk. I have to be taking care of others and on my feet. But I'm also being taken of advantage of and becoming resentful outside of work for all the caregiving I do in my normal life.

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A lot of backstory and venting:

All this just ask if you have any advice on getting diagnosed, SSI, disability, lawyers, more assistance like rental, food stamps, etc. I'm primarily doing this all this work for another person that's mentally incapable.

I have a cousin I help take care of and support who may be a little mentally handicapped, but he doesn't know it. He's been a dishwasher his whole life and that's honestly the maximum mental capacity he has, but bc of this he is very low income and often paid under the table which I think will affect his SSI or disability. He was recently diagnosed with cirrhosis about 2 years ago and last year had a major surgery, some sort of abdominal aortic repair surgery which was complicated bc they had to be very careful to not touch his bad liver. He's been mostly in and out of work for a couple years now due to sickness from cirrhosis. He doesn't have insurance or a doctor, he just goes to the emergency room.

My husband and I usually end up majorly financially supporting him. We sometimes have to pay his rent and buy his medicine, groceries, toiletries, underwear and clothes, necessities, it's a little stressful, but he abuses it or never "asks for too much". To be honest he comes from a poor and sick family. His mom gave him up to his grandparents early on. His anxiety is also through the roof. He's out of work again and his anxiety is sky high. In the last couple years his mom died from cirrhosis, his grandfather that raised him died, his grandmother got dementia and is in a nursing home, and his half brother just died a few weeks ago, his aunt and first cousins are all homeless and on drugs. I usually am authorized as his representative bc he can't comprehend what professionals are saying.

All this and he's my THIRD cousin, we're really not even close, and he comes from the messed up side of my family and has no support system. But I can't stand by and let him keep suffering and be homeless when there's something I can do as much as I'd like to say this isn't my problem.

This morning we're calling to get an appt at a low-income sliding scale doctor's facility that we hope can give him at least a few diagnoses such as cirrhosis and anxiety or can contact the hospital for his paperwork. I want someone else to tell him he's got a mental delay and maybe present it like it's good for his SSI/disability case. I'm making an appt with a lawyer this morning that I am going to talk to privately before they talk.