What can I do to stop giving him chances??
I am still stuck in the toxic cycle. I 37f have been with my bf 45m for 2 years. He is addicted to alcohol and c*ke.
He has walked out on me more times then I can count to binge with men and women up to 20 years his junior!!!!! He has emotionally cheated on me and I am sure he has physically also.
Last year I had to get an avo on him, during one of his binges he was in psychosis and was coming to my house yelling infront of my kids and we were so scared he was so off the rails. He is not allowed around us after consuming alcohol or drugs.
He made promises to get clean, get rid of the friends, go to rehab.....He stopped drinking, started seeing a D&A counsellor, see a psych. Stupidly I took him back. He did get sober, cut some friends, but kept access, decided he didnt need rehab.
In 6months he relapsed 3 times.
He is on day 4 of a binge atm, I have not heard a word from him since he walked out while I was having a panic attack. He was 3 months sober.
He is so cruel, self centred, he lies and does not care for mine or my children's needs. I have been reflecting, he is like this even sober. But I know its the addiction....I think?
He was not like this in the beginning, he was caring, funny, broken but beautiful.
I have sevre anxiety from all he has put me through, I live constant fight or flight mode, I walk on egg shells waiting for his next relapse. Hoping I dont say something to set it off.
I have even stopped drinking. I have cut off all connections because he questioned them or made them a problem.
I need a lot of support and he can't give it to me, he told me he can't. Though he caused it all. I want to feel safe and be loved.
I am not taking him back, but I am so worried when he comes back, once his sick of his leeching friends that I will be sucked back into the vortex of false promises, lies and deception, because I will be so weak and vulnerable.
This is where I get stuck every time. So if anyone has any advise please give it to me??
I live with so much shame, guilt and embarrassment for my choices. I know he does too and I have so much sympathy for him and his past and his addiction.