Really huge core wound recently unlocked
I never got to celebrate being pregnant. No being showered with love. No baby shower. No feeling fully supported by my village or tribe. Only shame and guilt. Only fear and loneliness.
A little background: I think I became an unbaptized publisher at 14 or 15 and got baptized at 17. Only because my friends got baptized. I auxiliary pioneered maybe on e or twice. I got pregnant by a non jw at age 21. He was the 2nd person I’d ever had sex with. Disfellowshipped aka shunned while pregnant. Had my son (who is now 23) at age 22. At the time, because this was all I knew, I didn’t see what happened to me as wrong or bad but I felt awful. I got reinstated at age 24. Mostly because I was lonely and I missed my friends. But it never felt the same. I only went because I still loved at home with my mom who is still PIMI to this day.
I have been out for 14 years. No DA or DF. Just stopped going and moved. At first, I still believed everything I had been taught. Then, it gradually unraveled and I realized it was all BS and I felt bamboozled, hoodwinked, and led astray by being lied to my whole life! I went through a religious divorce, if you will. I had a visceral reaction to everything related to religion. Went through the 5 stages of grief. I still struggle with separating god from religion.
Grateful to my amazing friends that have experienced something similar via Christianity. That’s when I realized that I had never properly or fully deconstructed! I didn’t know it was a thing. I thought not being a part of the cult and recognizing it was all lies was enough.
What tools and resources have you used to help you deconstruct?