I'm trying but this is so hard
I can't fight through right now. I don't know what I'm doing. Or how to deal. I'm spiralling today because of the pain. How do I get through it? I'm not trying to dwell on it, I want to get past it. But how do I do that when I can't go to counseling. How do I work through this? The thoughts just come when it's quiet. Not even the thoughts necessarily about him cheating on me. But about the pain that he's caused me. That I'm not happy right now. that I'm hurting and I don't know how to make it go away. I feel like he threw me away. I don't know how to heal from this. Especially while being with him and acting like everything is fine for everyone else. Trying to get through the day and focus on every other aspect of my life. This morning taking my shower I just had some thoughts come in I don't even remember now what they were but the feelings were debilitating. And I just broke down and wanted to curl up on the floor. I just want to curl up and cry but I can't because my kids don't know anything. And I want to keep it that way. They don't need to know what is going on. they don't need to know what their father has done. My family doesn't need to know right now what has happened. And I just feel so alone. And I'm having panic attacks and I don't know how to get through this. I just want to be anywhere but here. There are most times when I feel all right. And there are times when I feel like I just want to go scorched Earth. I want to chop off all my hair and get tattoos and run away from everything and start completely over. I want to tell everybody in the world that he knows and that I know and blow his entire life up, blow my entire life up. But I don't think that will solve anything.
WH said it was a one time thing (well twice in one month same woman). Meant absolutely nothing. I found out by accident. Together almost 19 years at that point. DDay#1 was 1 yr ago this week. It really started affecting me about 5 months ago. I thought I had it mostly under control and dealing well with it until that point. He seems to be doing/willing to do the work, but I haven't really figured out what exactly I need from him yet so I'm not sure yet. But we have decided on reconciliation. I am journaling. I just started "the Betrayal Bind". Any thoughts or advice if I can't afford counseling? 💜