Thank you for the support - Wanted to share my journey so far
Few weeks back, my kiddo turned 1 and the journey (so far) has been crazy.
The posts in the group helped ground/calm my inner thoughts during desperate times. Knowing people went through so similar emotions helped deal with "something's wrong with me / I'm not prepared for this / this is not for me / how do I get out of this" brand of thoughts.
But to summarize how bad it was and what helped me at different points of time.
Resentment
>"I hate my wife for putting me through this, we had it so great before"
What helped
- Talking to my wife and letting her know where my headspace was - It was less of a fight and more of telling what I feel - also no seeking solutions as such. We used to have daily checkins for 15 minutes to just catch up on both our sides. We gave ourselves mental and physical health scores out of 10.
- Also, giving time to mourn my previous life (picked this phrase up on reddit) helped
Overwhelmed / Flight response
>"this is endless, there is no break for next X years. Tomorrow the same cycle repeats. How do I stop this"
What helped
- Speaking to friends who were ahead in their baby journey and the feedback was to "take it 1 day at a time". There is no point extrapolating your future based on this 1 day / situation. You just suck it up 1 day at a time - there is no way out :)
Suicidal ideation
>...
Sleep deprivation did a number on me + my depression/mental health issues did not help. I was on my meds but those did not seem to help.
What helped
- Speaking to my psychiatrist to increase dosage (that helped a bit but not much)
- just talking about it to my friend and sister helped get the thought out in words. I was shocked to hear my sister also went through a similar phase.
- Kept a diary to note these down asap and track frequency over weeks to get a gauge on how bad it was. I gave feedback to my psych accordingly
- "Stop making a film production out of this" -- I read this in a reddit thread from an elder gentleman and it helped reduce indulgence in these thoughts
Intrusive thoughts / Anger
>...
This is probably the worst of the lot - the terrible / ugly / horrible thoughts I had while taking care of her while she was in a meltdown - "if there is a god, i'm definitely going to hell**"** kind of thoughts.
The sad thing is I'm usually patient with everyone BUT something ticks me off with my crying kiddo :(
What helped
- Tier 1 advice - Just place kiddo in her crib OR hand over to wife, and go take a walk
- Kept a diary to note these down asap. It helped me identify some patterns -- eg these usually triggered when I was very tired (busy weekend, post a long trip)
- Ranted voice notes to myself where I just unloaded my terrible "pathway to hell" thoughts. It helped reset and gave some immediate relief
This post is more for myself to thank you folks and share in detail this happened, and maybe a new dad can relate and find this useful.