Reassurance/support needed
Hello. I'm feeling lots of mixed emotions over ending the relationship with my partner of 7 years and have two kids with. He's been an alcoholic for our whole relationship and I've tried so so hard to get him to stop. I eventually accepted that I couldn't do anything to change him, and that I was willing to be in a relationship with him even with the addiction. He went to rehab, tried support groups but each time he lost faith in them (he has trust issues and can never keep friends/jobs/commitments going for long).
What started tipping it for me is that over the past year (since our second child was born), he's got increasingly irritable and also very needy for attention. I haven't had much extra energy to support him with the complex mental health stuff he's going through as have needed to spend my time either looking after the kids, working, or cleaning. He honestly just spends his whole day on his Xbox or YouTube whilst ranting non stop (barely a break in sentences) about all the stuff he's mad about or why other people are pathetic.
He used to be so caring and it's scary seeing him become this hateful person. I then would try to listen to his struggles but at the same time it got to a point every day where I had to ask him to stop as I wasn't even able to have a moment quiet to read the kids a bedtime story. He used to be so caring and selfless so this is confusing for me.
He's never physically lashed out before. A month ago, he suddenly out of nowhere started saying that I wanted to hurt him and that I had hidden some of his possessions (I honestly hadn't and wouldn't even dream of ever hiding someone else's stuff). He then physically attacked me, punching, throwing me, pinning me down. A neighbour called the police but my partner immediately burst into tears saying that I had abused him and hit him. This meant I got arrested for a night and was released on bail with a no contact order for a month. He had the kids for a few days but social services quickly placed them in my care when I told them the whole story of what had happened and his history.
The bail gets signed off tomorrow morning, and so does the no contact order. I've felt so at peace the last month without his chaos in my life. At the same time I feel like I need to get in touch and try to talk to the beautiful man and father that I know he can be. Where did he go? It's so sad to see him decay like this. What he did is inexcusable though and I can't raise kids around that. I want them to have a dad, but I can't risk him traumatising them. I want him to see them but at the same time, at what cost?
Sorry for long post. I could really use some reassurance or recommendations of how much I should involve him in mine and the kids lives. Feels like my worlds been turned upside down. I didn't think I would ever leave him.