May end up homeless without help
I feel like I'm in prison in my own body. A few years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD and started taking medication. The results were immediate and positive. The past 3 or 4 years have seen the absolute highest highs I could have imagined achieving and low lows I couldn't fathom.
Opportunities opened up to build a career over night in a way people work their entire lives for and fall short. I was getting paid to travel the world doing what I loved, but it felt like I was losing control. In the end, I couldn't do much more than zone out at the screen when I did force myself to turn on the computer and I failed to get the project over the finish line.
I have all of the motivation and none of the drive. Every part of me wants to "do" but any attempt just freezes me. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder 6 months ago alongside my ADHD and started taking medication for that. I do feel more emotionally regulated, but the lack of drive has only continued to progress negatively.
Now it's to the extent I feel like I'm literally in prison in my own body. I don't just struggle to work, I struggling doing anything. I can't decide on a TV show or a video game. I try getting myself to take a walk, even when the destination doesn't matter, and freeze up. I spend so much time just standing around or sitting in silence staring off into the distance.
My relationship of 8 years has deteriorated, which I'm not exactly upset about because it feels like things ran a natural course, and things aren't volatile, but I am living in her house and she could decide I need to get out of here any day now.
I barely have food to eat and staring down the barrel of hunger and homelessness still isn't enough to get me out of this shell. I've got a son to take care of. It feels like the whole world is in the palm of my hand and I just can't close my fist around it. I'm going to lose everything if I don't sort this out soon.