What would I have been if I wasn't depressed all the time
Since I was a teenager, I've been suffering from depression.
Self-loathing, low self-esteem, and a deep sense of weakness.
I think it's partly genetic — mental illness runs through most of my father's side of the family — and partly because I never felt safe at home.
My father was angry all the time. To the point where, when I was young, I used to bet my brother that he would shout every single day. I never lost.
My mother was always comparing us to our peers in a humiliating way. I wasn't very good at school as a kid — I was always lost in my imagination, creating stories and fantasies I could escape into. Which made things much worse, because my parents believed education was the most important thing in the universe. Nothing in the whole world mattered more than going to church and getting high grades — and I wasn't doing either well.
I was the perfect piñata for my school bullies. So I developed a strategy: I made myself the clown. I'd make them laugh so they'd leave me alone.
I grew up, became an adult — but the child inside was always scared.
I spent most of my life loathing what I do, trying to attract love and attention from people by doing anything for them.
I tried everything to heal and become stronger. I read a lot of self-help books, studied psychology, took medications, tried drugs. A lot of it helped — but only for a while. I always returned to the same baseline.
Even though I'm a doctor now, I'm deeply depressed. Unable to function. My future is falling apart. And the clown never died — he just got sadder.
Honestly, I've been thinking a lot about ending everything. I just don't feel like I'm going to make it or amount to anything.
The only thing holding me back is thinking about my family and friends and the pain it would cause them. But at the same time, I'm suffering deeply — and I can't keep living like this.
Sometimes I wonder — if I hadn't always heard those judgmental, hopeless, and cruel voices in my head...
Would I have confessed my love and fought for the girl I loved, instead of getting scared and running away?
Would I have made deep, real connections with people, instead of putting all my energy into avoiding everyone?
Would I have avoided being used? Would I have said no and stood my ground?
Would I have become a better person — a better brother, son, and friend?
Would I have spent more time with the people I loved?
Would I have achieved the things I actually wanted, instead of drowning in self-doubt?
Is this my destiny — to spend my life in the presence of this heavy, uninvited guest?
Is this just who I am? Or is it something I can actually get rid of?
I don't know.