my beliefs make me unpleasant to talk to
I have beliefs about a lot of things and it is near impossible to make friends or get along with other people because I do not think before I say things frequently that include my ideas. It is an issue that I am very aware of, but in the moment it feels impossible to control. I feel guilty because I am medicated and my medicine properly diminished the main problems that most people think of when they think about schizophrenia, I am thankful of this but now I just "look" like a functioning person but hold all of the same distressing beliefs and worldview. It is just my thoughts and me alone. The social effect has been almost worse than it would have been otherwise before I was on the right medicine. Now that I have felt normal enough and honestly bored enough too without the hallucinations to have decided to try and talk more to other people, I just come across as an unlikeable person because I can not control myself. I can not keep my beliefs to myself in conversation and it is very isolating because nobody in my life understands why I am so strongly convinced about some things. Frequently I get convinced that the world will end and I go and try to warn people and then when it doesn't happen I just feel relieved but also very embarassed and ashamed. Nobody around me trusts me anymore because some things I say end up beling unreliable or overly negative even if I am convinced in the time frame that I say it. There are some people that claim that schizophrenia has made them more likeable or creative and while I am happy for that assumed minority that can resume life peacefully after being medicated and feel like they have gained something from it, I am frustrated because I know that this is the best things will ever get for me personally. Even now without the most unpleasant parts of the illness I will always be someone that is hard to be friends with or just be around passively and it is difficult to accept that this is how things are for me. A lot of my friends from when i was in school have distanced themselves from me and the people that live around me do not engage in conversation with me much anymore. I understand why but it makes me feel angry. Even with a medicine that works, I can not go back to being likeable because of this and it makes me sad. I am too verbally impulsive, disorganized, and erratic to fit in with other people in conversations and I can not control myself enough to shut up when I am sure of something I believe about