u/Hyrr0k1n

For background, my partner and I just celebrated our 5th anniversary a couple of months ago. A couple of weeks ago, we both came down sick, and my partner has been very distant since. I thought it was very odd since he has been showing me next to no affection and has been very reluctant to speak to or hang out with me. I convinced myself that he was just feeling very unwell and that things would go back to normal once we felt better.

A couple of hours ago, I came home to my partner sitting on the front porch. He said he was thinking about something that was stressing him and to give him some time. My heart immediately dropped to my stomach because this happened one time before, early on in our relationship, but we talked through it with therapists and didn't end up separating. I tried not to let my anxiety get to me in hopes it was just work drama and gave him some space.

About 15 minutes ago, he came into our room and asked to talk. He said that he had fallen out of love with me. He doesn't see a way forward for our relationship and has apparently been mulling over this realization for about two months. He didn't say it explicitly, but it's almost certain that we are breaking up. He wasn't even crying. I don't know it it was my own distress at the time but he hardly even looked upset. He just looked tired. I think that hurt even worse, that he doesn't even seem to be in the same pain I'm in right now.

I don't know what to do right now. Frankly, I'm sitting in the guest room alternating between numbness and tears. I've been so anxious, but I'd convinced myself that I was making something out of nothing and to let it be for now. I have no family within 10 hours of me and no support system outside of his family. I struggle with some chronic pain that can make it difficult to work a strenuous job, so I've long since settled for a job that doesn't leave me very sore and I'm somewhat happy with.

I make very little money and don't have a lot of savings. I have nowhere to go, and no one to lean on. He and his family are my whole world right now, and I had fully expected to marry him at some point in the future. He has assured me that I won't be kicked out, that I will have a place to stay. I know that won't last forever. I know I will have to find a place of my own very soon. Rent in my area is more than I make in one month, and I have three cats to provide for. I know the only way I can get my own place to live is if I leave my job for a better paying one, but I'm already losing everything else I have.

I have asked him to speak to a therapist tomorrow on his own time. I know nothing is going to come of it. I know even if he takes it back, if this doesn't end in separation, that I will never fully trust him again. I love him more than anything, and I don't know how to go on without him. The future I've been working toward and planning for 5 years just shattered and went down the drain. I don't want to end up alone, or homeless, or in a catatonic depressive episode.

I'm finding it hard to think, like I've completely frozen up. I don't have anyone to talk to at all. All I want is my love to hug me and tell me that everything is doing to be okay. I'm never going to get that ever again.

How on earth do I move forward? I don't know how I'm going to keep going after this.