I found out my high school bully died
Last night, I got on Facebook for the first time in a few years. Out of morbid curiosity or misplaced nostalgia, I clicked on one of the very few people I knew back in high school and went down the high school rabbit hole. That's where I learned that a kid who used to make my life miserable in high school had died in a traffic accident.
I know I was an easy target for bullies in high school. I was shy, socially awkward, and a geek in the 1980s when it was not cool and you could make fun of or prank people who were really different. But this kid was nasty. He was mean, he was violent, and in my rural small town, he and his friends were part of the bad crowd. I heard a rumor that he liked to bring a hunting knife to school. I don't know where it came from and I really did not want to test it. A lot of other kids were scared of him, and I was scared of him too, but I got on his bad side. It got to the point where I seriously considered bringing a weapon to school, but I knew deep down that would NOT go well for me. So I kept my head down, took the punishment, and breathed a silent sigh of relief when he graduated. (I have no idea HOW he graduated, but I suspect the school administration was only too happy to give him his high school diploma and get him out of there.)
You don't forget that sort of treatment easily. It stays with you, and it ratchets up your threat level indicators. The image of him stuck around with me for awhile, and whenever I would visit my hometown I'd keep an eye out for the bully, just to make sure he wasn't around. Would he try something again? Probably not, but my hometown has a reputation for being violent. There was a murder that took place several years ago where a drunken argument resulted in a double homicide, so it's not good to get on the wrong side of hillbillies with violent tendencies who like to tie on one every weekend.
When I saw he was dead, I went to his Facebook page and looked through it. He was a father who had three daughters and at least one wife who said he had his wild side but he waAs a good guy, deep down. That was pretty much the consensus from his friends and family. Great guy, solid character, had a wild streak but really dependable and the best man you could ever hope to meet. His daughters said he was a doting dad who always made time for them. One of them works as an OR nurse, which is a career that requires some intelligence and determination, two qualities I know my bully sneered at in high school.
All of this leaves me feeling conflicted. I have to admit, I started laughing when I found out the bully died. I was so happy he'd been erased off the earth and was a smear in the asphalt. Play enough stupid games and you'll win stupid prizes. Plus, I'd never have to watch my back in the unlikely event I ever go to my hometown again. But he had a lot of small town friends and former classmates who thought he was a good guy, despite being scared of him in high school. I wonder if he settled down afterwards or changed. I wonder what would have happened if we'd met again, if he would have actually been a civilized human being or if he'd fall back into high school habits. They say people change since high school. I know I have, but I've met a disturbing number of people who are still the same.
I would love to be able to tie all this up neatly, say something about how people change or how my feelings are valid or how you always have to answer for the things you've done, but I don't think any of that applies. I think his family and friends would be upset if I got on Facebook and talked about the bully, and he probably was nice to them. I cannot see this man as a good person, though, and I cannot be sad he's gone.