u/I-HopeMyNameIsFine

Hiii,

I would have to say a thing first as it will be kind of important later, and the beginning is kind of the best place I thought.

The first thing you need to know is the fact that I am in my first year in high school (I hope it's fine).

So I am not living in the US, and the education system is different. Firstly, my type of school has 5 years, instead of US 4 years. The second thing is that it's not as invidual as in the US, people are grouped and they have most of the lessons together. There are some that are split, like foreign languages, so people can learn better I guess. In my school all of them consist of around 30 people. Each of them has a kind of their own special teacher, and that person is responsible for all of the documents students have to give, go with them on field trips, generally is responsible for the group and is generally a person all people should trust in that teacher's group.

Okay, so it was kind of long, but somehow just the basics, I hope it will be fine. Going to the main point, all of my social skills kind of disappeared in the middle of seventh grade. I had decent skills before, could talk to anyone in my group, I was generally fine. At the beggining of the seventh grade I was even thinking about trying to be the person that collects money in the group or the "vice president" of the group (only other thing you can get is the president as you can guess). And then I changed so damn fast, and I was a really different person, don't ask me why I have no idea I kind of want these skills back. At the time I was close with 2 people, and during this time I also realized that I enjoy spending time without them more than with them. So I was just counting days until high school since this moment, yes, for 2 years, since without going further I had no choice (if there was a group project, and there were a lot, and I was too scared to talk to anyone else than those 2 people, yes, that much).

Then high school, I went to one that I knew no one from my middle/elementary school would go (these are grouped in my country, there is just this thing grades 1-8 and high school 3/4/5 years depending of the type). I cut contacts with everyone on just a random day during a lunch break and left no messages. I kind of wonder how many days it took for these people to notice. I just deleted all my old accounts. Also I guess I had extra luck since there was only 1 person from the entire school I went before. I always knew, that people won't die from from talking to each other, and no one knew me so I'd be fine, but for some reason on the first day I didn't talked to anyone, and on the second day I had the feeling that everyone is already in friendships, so again I didn't try to fit in and just existed (and I was the only person in my group that did this thing), and it felt fine at the moment, since I made my goal to escape from these 2 people and I succeed.

Now another important thing, I had just 3 goals in high school that I made very soon, these were:

- don't cry (I am very sensitive person and always was, now it's kind of better but still bad)

- don't get taken to the school counselor

- just be neutral to everyone or most and don't be hated

One day, there were instead of some lessons a time when we would "socialize and get closer together as a group". And that was a total scam, later my naive brain realized that the counselor was just watching us and doing whatever. And as I said, for now all I can do decently related to social skills is talking to the stricter and traditional teachers, I can't do it well to people my age and chill teachers. We had to talk people in a group and find as much people with similar things, like a zodiac sign, taste in things. And it didn't go well for me to say at least.

One day the counselor walked in the classroom and asked me to go with him.

2 first goals gone yayyyyy. he tried to kind of force me into making friends, but he gave up and said I can go as I was crying for like 5 minutes and didn't stop while he wasn't stopping asking questions and writing things in his notebook. It was in November I think, I wonder how did he still didn't take me again.

So, finally getting to friendships, on one day in February I got a note in my locker with saying that the author want to be a friend with me. kind of the best thing that happened to me I thought and I kind of think still but I messed up so badly later. So this person is older than me, not in my group as I later found out. We didn't met in school until April. Before that we just talked on a communicator app from time to time. For a few weeks we just waved to each other when we were passing each other in the hallway. One day that person asked if I have time, and I said yes, and we talked for a first time. But it was the worst thing I ever, I messed up badly, I was trying to talk but didn't talk a lot, it was so weird and interrupted that person once and it was the worst conversation I could imagine would happen. From that day, I tried to talk on the communicator every around 10 days, but later like nothing happened in the school, and we didn't talk for a month. I finally got a reason a few days ago, but this time, it was the worst conversation on the app I think.

Soo here I am, I am so damn scared of losing it, but at the same time I don't want to force this person into being a friend with me as we are all just free humans with our own free will. And I don't know, did this person already has picked their choice, and I still should try to talk sometimes, or I should just let go. And generally any tips in general, I am so lost I don't know to be honest

And to destroy my third goal, and people saying I should meet with a person from my group. We had a field trip not so long time ago. We went for a walk in the group, but it was at least 100 meters between first and last person in the group. I just mostly followed and went behind the teacher of my group, that main one I talked about before. And this teacher started to talk with another student from my group about a person, kind of talking behind their back in my opinion, this is a small part, all is even worse with context but I don't remember it too good, my brain kind of erased it. Generally, they were talking about another person from another country who is fine, but his langauge level is not the best, but completely understandable in my opinion, he has no close friends in my group due to this reason.

Teacher: "So there is this one person, X, what do you think about him? I wish that they could maybe be friends together, since X also dont have friends."

Student: "Welll, I'd say he is (something I didn't understood) to be honest"

Teacher: "Well, people are different and I guess we have to accept that"

Aaand, who was the X? me, literally walking behind him :D

So, I guess my state in my group is done if even my main teacher have a problem to me. But I doubt he will tell me, he may just send the counselor for me I guess. I am mentally preparing for this, was kind of since the last meeting with him, but now I have to focus and hope this time I will survive and be a bit stronger mentally.

If it matters the main teacher that I have is one of the most chill ones.

To the end of the school year I have about a month. I am sorry about the length of this post, but I felt like everything is important in a way. Also congrats, if you have read the entire thing you are the one that know the most about me besides me

That is all, have an awesome week