I [24M] am exhausted from work and my girlfriend [24F] thinks I’m pulling away. How do I talk to her?
tldr: Me [M24] and my girlfriend [F24] have been together for a year now ever since I moved to this city. We’ve talked about wanting a future together, marriage, all of that. I want this to work, but lately I feel like we keep getting stuck in the same emotional cycle and I don’t know how to handle it anymore.
For context, I work long, stressful shifts in cybersecurity. Some days are 10–11 hours and I get home late around midnight. Recently work has been wearing me down badly. I’ve been written up before from pissing off a big Fortune 500 company, I’ve been scared about losing the job, and I’ve had a lot of stress outside of work too, including a death in my family and having no navigate family drama even though it’s state away/deal with no contact with some family members. Most weekends I’m honestly drained and just want to sleep or do something lowkey because I’m still trying to build a life out here.
The problem is my girlfriend has started feeling like I don’t want to hang out with her or that I’m pushing her away. I understand why it might look that way because I’m tired a lot, but it’s not because I don’t care about her. I’m just exhausted like crazy due to me having a later shift.
This pattern seemed to start around her birthday a few months ago. Her birthday was during the week and she had multiple birthday events planned. We agreed on one lunch time that worked with my job, but later it changed to dinner the week of and I couldn’t make it because of work. I still saw her and celebrated with her, but she was really hurt and felt like I didn’t prioritize her. I apologized and tried to fix it, but I feel like since then, any time I’m tired, busy, or not fully energetic, it gets interpreted as me not loving her or not wanting her.
Another recent issue was that I opened up to her about something uncomfortable that happened at work involving a girl she is friends with. I told her it made me feel violated and weird. Instead of feeling supported, it turned into her asking if I liked that girl or if I didn’t want her to have friends. We eventually settled it, but it left me feeling like even when I bring up something that hurt me, it can turn into me having to defend myself.
This week she told me she feels like I never have energy when we hang out and that I don’t like hanging out with her. I sent her a long text explaining that work has been extremely exhausting, that I’m drained, that I care about her, and that I’m not trying to push her away. I also said the job doesn’t feel sustainable anymore and I need to make a plan before making any big decisions.
At the same time, I have a camping trip with coworkers/friends this weekend that was already planned. She finally has a weekend off from her new job, so I think she’s hurt that I’ll be gone. I get why that would hurt, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to cancel my plans to prove I care. Similar to how I used to solo travel like crazy now I try not to because I always feel guilty.
I know I’m not perfect. I can be moody, tired, and not always present. But I feel like I’m constantly having to reassure her that I love her, that I want her, that I’m not pulling away, and that my exhaustion isn’t about her. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
I don’t want to end things. I want to make this work. But I also don’t want every tired night, work stress, or friend plan to become proof that I don’t love her.
How do I reassure her and repair this without giving up my own needs, rest, friendships, and mental health? At what point is reassurance healthy versus becoming a cycle? And how do I talk to her about this without making her feel blamed?