I feel incredibly alone and unaccomplished.
Off the bat, I do have a psychologist I've seen for about 5 years now. Its been off and on lately, only as needed and I've booked her next week.
But I am struggling to cope, and I need to vent my mental instability. I feel lonely, I've not had a proper connection with someone in years. My ex left me in december 2023, and since then I've only had flings, I've not been able to truly trust women romantically.
Now I am 32, and I don't even meet anyone. I always imagined I'd be married with kids now, and all I have is poor mental health and a job that keeps draining me. I feel like I am starting to lose my mind every day that passes. I want to cry but I can't muster any tears. I want to smash my head against a wall sometimes. I have lost myself, I have lost what makes me me. All I have is work, a career path that I don't enjoy and the worst part is I am being underpaid by at least $30k with them dangling the carrot.
I can't man, I can't keep doing this.
I had psychedelics on Friday night, and I felt horrible at the end. I think I went into psychosis, I freaked out in the bathroom thinking I was in a mental asylum and nothing was real and I was stuck for life. I had to repeat to myself I am ok, I will be ok, this is shrooms and it will pass.
I long for a hug, I've not had contact with someone in a long time. I don't know what a proper hug even feels like anymore.
Given nothing happens to me, I can't imagine living like this another 30-50 years.
I hate how in my own head I am. I want to cry, but I can't even do that. I just feel numb, and drained.