u/IceIndividual5376

I’m 34 years old and honestly feel like I completely wasted my life.

I finished an IT technical school when I was younger and thought I would eventually work in tech, but I failed at university and gave up. Around that time I took a gap year to earn money abroad. I worked in Italy picking oranges, strawberries and other fruits and vegetables in the fields. The money disappeared quickly and I had nothing to show for it.

After that I fell into depression and spent months unemployed living with my parents. Eventually I started working construction jobs in my hometown, mostly illegal under-the-table work, physically exhausting and poorly paid. I did that for a few years, drank a lot of alcohol and barely saved anything.

Later I managed to get a legal job in Switzerland through connections. Again it was hard physical work in agriculture — cauliflower, broccoli, onions, long hours, weekends during the season. I still drank a lot back then, but I also started hiking in the mountains and that helped me mentally sometimes.

After 3 years I came back to my country with savings because I wanted to finally change my life. I moved to the capital city and tried to get back into IT through courses and bootcamps instead of university. I also worked lighter construction jobs to survive.

Then everything collapsed again.

I lost motivation, my depression got worse and I got involved with drugs after meeting the wrong people. I lost all my savings, got into debt and stopped caring about life. Sometimes I skipped work completely. For about 2 years my life was basically drugs, alcohol, suicidal thoughts and going to pawn shops every weekend to sell or pawn my belongings just to get high.

At one point I overdosed.

Eventually I forced myself to see a psychiatrist and admitted my addiction. I started individual and group therapy. It was extremely hard. During therapy I would stay sober for 2 weeks and relapse again. Eventually I made it to 6 months clean, then relapsed once with alcohol and cocaine.

Now I’ve been clean for about 2.5 years.

I paid off my debts. I still work in construction. I live with roommates. I don’t own a car. Financially I still feel far behind everyone my age.

I try to keep myself alive mentally through hobbies like cycling, photography and art. Sometimes it works and I have a better day.

Another thing that destroys me mentally is relationships. I’ve never had a girlfriend. Never even kissed anyone. I tried dating but it never went anywhere. When women found out I don’t have money, a car or my own apartment, they lost interest. I told two women about my addiction history and they stopped talking to me completely.

I’m also a quiet person. I don’t really know how to flirt, I’m not naturally funny and I usually prefer peace and silence over talking all the time.

What hurts the most is that I keep trying to change my life and still feel stuck. If I spent all those years doing absolutely nothing maybe it would make more sense, but I actually tried many times and still ended up here. I feel exhausted.

I still take medication from my psychiatrist. It helps a bit, especially with sleep because without it I wake up constantly during the night.

A few months ago I bought another cybersecurity course because part of me still wants to work in IT one day. But it’s hard to even sit down and study. Sometimes when I study I end up crying because I feel overwhelmed and ashamed of how my life turned out.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Maybe I just wanted to finally say it somewhere honestly.