Is it naive to have hope? Anyone with happy marriages with a sober partner?
I’m usually a lurker on Reddit so sorry if this is a long one.
I didn’t know my husband was an alcoholic until about a month and a half ago. Found an empty bottle and it came out that he was getting drunk when I wasn’t home for a year and a half (started a month after our wedding when I started night classes) and hiding it. Makes me feel pretty stupid to have not seen it but even if we went out (rare, maybe once every couple of months) and I’d be tipsy after two drinks at dinner I could never tell if he had anything because he seemed so normal. I guess he’s just really high functioning or just has a crazy tolerance and I’d been blind to it the whole time. Together for 8years for reference and his family has a bad history of alcoholism but we always talked openly about it after family gatherings and he always seemed adamant to not turn out like that. His mom died early 50s (only drank bud light,barely ate, and didn’t go to a doctor. Cancer consumed her whole body. Died 3 days after finally going to get checked out far too late) and aunt died in 40s (cirrhosis of the liver). His mom’s passing was sudden and traumatic for him and myself, it’s been 6 years and he still struggles with coping with that.
Well, here we are, he got sober when I found that bottle in March but I “caught” him with a beer a few days ago when I came home early from work. Was told it was only one and the only time but that feels convenient for me to catch him the one time. He tried to hide it when I came home and I didn’t bring it up for hours in case he’d say something which he didn’t but didn’t try to hide it when I asked what he ran out of the room with. It just felt like a child hiding candy from a parent, I’m not his keeper and I didn’t even tell him to get sober, he did it because he wanted to and wanted help but it just felt flipped.
He’s not physically abusive but since December he had been doing and saying things that just felt out of character and hurt me or just felt like he wasn’t viewing me as a person. I actually thought he might be cheating on me. I now suspect that was the alcoholism getting worse before coming out.
I don’t even think alcohol is the main problem I have with all of this (obviously a problem and not trying to belittle that) even though I recognize that is influencing his behavior, I just can’t handle being lied to and never knowing whether he’s drinking and hiding things from me. The lying is my main hang up. The trust isn’t there, I think rightfully so, but I feel like I’m delusional looking at every behavior and questioning anything that feels off. I also feel like I’m going crazy and the one making a bigger deal out of it when he’s not abusing me. My mom even asked if he hit me and when I said no she didn’t see what the problem was since he’s nice. She was abused growing up so that’s a factor but besides the point. When I have told people (he also told people to have accountability by his own decision) most of them are happy for him for getting help and act like this coming out is great. I feel like I’m going crazy, I’m being lied to and was lied to for a year and a half and it feels like the focus is on his support or just thinking none of it is a big deal. I have two friends that actually had reactions similar to me so that helps, one of them has an addict brother and the other was raised under not great circumstances so they have felt first hand what other people’s trauma and actions can do to others.
Important context for where I’m coming from, my ex boyfriend before him I ended things with because he started going down the path of addiction (meth) and I didn’t want to spend my life with the lies so it feels like a knife to the gut to be in the same position. I don’t know how I’ve managed to be with two addicts back to back when I am not really a substance user in the first place but here I am.
All that being said, is it crazy to think it will get better and the lies will stop? He’s been in substance abuse counseling since March, told both our families and his friends so he couldn’t even grab a beer with them if he wanted to, and has otherwise been open about cravings and how he’s staying busy at home when I’m at work. It feels like it’s surface level good but deep down I have the fear it’s just going to be even more hidden. I brought up couples counseling before the alcoholism came out and he agreed but we hadn’t made any appointments (both were working two jobs) and now I still want that but I read some people saying to wait until he’s sober which I won’t actually know if he is. Maybe that’s just my excuse to postpone.
Also, I was going to quit one of my jobs since he’s making more now and I’d be home in the evenings again but since catching him I feel unstable. Me being home would help him stay sober but I have a lot of fear on being financially dependent on him if he’s lying to me. I’ve pretty much always been the breadwinner so this would already be a shift in dynamic that I wouldn’t mind if I felt secure. Now I feel trapped between working a job that’s doing physical damage to my body or being dependent on him. He’s never lost a job or gone in drunk, his trigger moments were/are being home alone in the evenings so it’s less about him losing his job and more about fear of being financially trapped if things get worse.
This is so long, so sorry, just wanting to hear perspectives from people farther into this journey with maybe a similar situation
TLDR: husband is alcoholic and was hiding it. I didn’t see it. Do the lies ever stop?
Anyone with experiences with partners that stayed sober or at least wouldn’t try to hide it if they took a step backwards?