Extremly guilty about my past, cant function
(Cw: grooming and self harm mentioned)
Hi... Im not sure where to even write about this. Im kinda at my wits end. Didnt sleep tonight and constantly obsessing. I need someone to weigh in on an issue.
Some time ago I was reminded of an event in my past when right after I turned 18 I had a brief flirtation/friendship with someone who said theyre "almost 16". We kissed once. But I wasnt rly attracted to them. Not that this matters.
I was groomed at 14 by an 18yo who then pressured me into sex when I was already an adult and even my parents didnt think that was bad. Just that I was in a relationship. Which played a role with me thinking it was okay.
Anyway Im almost 28 now and Ive been thinking about this more and more. Its like an obsession (I have OCD if that matters). Im so scared seeing so many people get publically cancelled for grooming cuz every time Im like "this could be me". I feel like such a monster. So many people have been talking about how groomers should be killed or tortured and Im scared theyre talking about me. I wish I could take it back.
Ive been stuck in a loop of thinking about it, it causes me actual physical pain and makes me want to hurt myself.
I dont know what to do. I used to go to therapy and my therapist just said to not worry about it and now I cant even affoard therapy anymore. Not like I rly deserve it anyway.