Struggling to not feel like somethings wrong with me
I don’t really know how to explain this properly but I’ll try.
Lately I’ve had this constant feeling that something is just “wrong” with me. Not in a dramatic way, more like a background feeling that I’m a bit off compared to other people. It’s hard to explain but it’s like I’m always aware of myself, my thoughts, how I’m acting, etc.
The weird thing is, from the outside my life is actually going pretty well. I recently got player of the year for my football team and made my senior debut and even scored on debut. Like I know that’s good and I should feel proud, but it doesn’t fully land. There’s just this sort of numbness or barrier there. And like it’s more so I’m
Happy I got the award because if I didn’t get it I’d feel shit as opposed to like oh my god I got an award which makes me feel a bit vain and needy and even as u write this it’s like I’m thinking I’m being manipulative because I can see the responses of people feeling sorry for me or saying I’m not and like because I know that or I’ve thought it now like if someone does it a part of me will feel bad , sorry that’s kinda unrelated but like just to walk you through my mind
I also notice I overthink basically everything, especially with people. If I like a girl or even just in normal interactions, I’m constantly analysing what I’m saying, what they’re thinking, whether I’m being “normal” or not. It makes everything feel a bit forced or unnatural.
Another thing is I get really annoyed or affected when people say things I don’t like, especially if it’s someone I care about. Even small comments can stick in my head and I end up replaying them and overthinking what they meant.
When I’m by myself it’s probably worse. My thoughts are nearly always negative or just me analysing stuff. I feel like I’ve become too self-aware of my own mind, to the point where I’m constantly checking how I feel or whether I’m “okay”.
I’ve tried advice like not engaging with thoughts or just getting on with things, and I get the logic of it, but it’s hard to actually apply. It feels like no matter what I do, my brain just keeps going back to “something’s off about you”. And I just well I don’t wanna say it but kinda hate myself but it’s like I’ve got all this underlying stuff but if you met me you’d never know I’m very conventionally attractive like good at my studies and like charismatic so when dating and things happen it’s like if it goes wrong that sort of like “ it’s because you deep down are not normal and won’t be “ I know it’s dramatic but truthfully that’s what comes up
I guess what I’m asking is:
\- does anyone else feel like this?
\- is this just overthinking or something deeper?
\- how do you actually get out of this loop when you’re stuck in your own head all the time?
I just want to feel normal and not constantly like I need to fix something about myself. My counsillers spoken about self compassion and stuff but if I’m honest a lot of my life just feels like I’m
Pretending