I can’t read or watch good fiction anymore
I can’t healthily read or watch any type of “relatable” or “deep” fiction without becoming so embalmed in the plot that it inevitably causes me stress, and I think it’s getting worse. I did not always have this problem and I used to read fiction a lot (and really good books at that). Now, I avoid it all together and I feel like I’m missing something that could be so enjoyable and a healthy outlet. I don’t know if it’s something fixable or not. Please let me know if you have advice or similar experiences ❤️
(warning that I talk about depression/depressive thoughts)
First problem: when I’m actively watching or reading I binge. I’ll watch whole seasons in a day or pull an all nighter to finish a book. I’ll be so involved that my heart is racing the whole time. I tune out everything around me and just become part of the story. It’s completely exhausting and objectively unhealthy because I put my needs aside to keep up with watching/reading. This part is typically thrilling and enjoyable (besides the traumatic plot points). It’s a feeling that real life experiences don’t bring for me. This is probably because I’m experiencing a whole fiction plot in a course of hours, which isn’t possible for anyone… but I also think this speaks to my chronic depression and anxiety (which I’ll address more directly in the following points)
Second problem: immediately after binging I’m left cold turkey without more plot to give me that emotional high. I find myself replaying scenes in my head and it consumes my thoughts. I inevitably want more and it feels obsessive and all consuming. It’s really jarring to go from feeling everything to realizing there’s no more of this fictional place/plot/characters despite feeling like I connected with them deeply. I’ll go for days/weeks/months thinking about the fictional universe and maladaptive daydreaming. I feel like it inevitably must hurt my real life relationships and the fictional expectations I somehow retain. What was briefly a fictional connection while reading/watching leaves me feeling more lonely and isolated than ever.
Third problem: I feel shame about having these emotions and getting so attached to a fictional plot with fictional characters that I was only ever a viewer to despite my emotions. It feels so ridiculous that my mind cannot make that distinction. Further, it really reminds me of what I’m missing in my real life. Again, the expectations of these plots is beyond unrealistic, but I can’t help but feel like my real life is lacking so heavily that ill never be able to experience these emotions without pretending to be apart of a fictional world. I could do a depression spiral, but I’ll spare you the details and leave it there.
Fourth problem: after way too many times repeating this cycle of binging then withdrawal, I now avoid these types of plots. It limits what I can enjoy and I feel like my avoidance is making the problem worse. I’m getting more sensitive to less involved plots. I fear I will only be able to consume nonfiction media at some point, but I don’t know how to stop this trajectory while also not indulging in what I would consider an unhealthy cycle. I think being an empath is immensely helpful and needed in our society, but I also need to function. I hesitate to try numbing myself to any of these emotions because I think they’re great in moderation. I don’t want to be numb, but I can’t be doing what I’m doing now either.
It’s actually gotten worse that I don’t even have to know the actual plot to get attached. There’s been a lot of “on campus” clips around and the clips alone are consuming my thoughts from the small glimpse of scenes I see on social media. It’s a bit agonizing. Other recent examples of content that consumes me is “stranger things”, which is such a shame because EVERYONE wants to talk about it. I binged 2 seasons before I cut myself off. I just want to experience good fiction!!!
If anyone experiences this or has advice on how to “fix” what I’ve described, I would appreciate the input. Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far.