to my anime loving avoidant
Thank you for everything you’ve taught me in the last five years. I know you yourself would laugh a lot at the title of this and I think that suits us, everyone finding us aloof because of the masks we put on disguising everything with humor but feeling so much, so often.
There’s so much I want to tell you but with that knowledge, I know that each part may put your mind in turmoil because of what you’ve experienced before me. Even if there is no us now, I care very deeply for you and to imagine you suffering quietly, it breaks my heart in a way I cannot describe through words. I should’ve been able to tell you in 2022 that one of your friends said I shouldn’t confess to you because they needed a better woman. A real woman. That what a friend of theirs could give, that’s what you really wanted and I should back off if I know what’s good for me.
I shouldn’t have listened. I should’ve been more confident. Most importantly, I should’ve let that sensitivity go and held my chest out high and said yeah dork, I do love you, what are you gonna do about it and idk, you’d probably say you’re gonna put me in a headlock or something silly. It would’ve been fine my love, we at the very least could’ve gotten everything on the table and stayed best friends. I should’ve ignored them and what I should’ve done will live with me for a very long time.
I should’ve told them to shove it. To fuck off, if I can be so blunt.
I should’ve called you, told you how your laugh makes me feel warm all over, how I’m so interested in how you know so much about all of the obscure things in this world but an occasional deep love of what couldn’t be more mainstream if it tried. How you walk around with the composure of someone who knows more than him, her and whoever but when you get home, your vulnerability with me explaining how the world and love didn’t make sense to you either had me falling deeper and deeper in love with you.
We ended up always saying we loved each other, never fell that hard out of contact but from that day on, I know things changed. I wasn’t meant to listen to anyone but myself and you. I knew better but unfortunately, I was always fairly sensitive and held onto “do the right thing” far too hard. It wasn’t the right thing. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. This isn’t the outcome that we deserved.
Now, the chances of things going smoothly are close to none. Over time I’ve let depression and physical illness stress me out so much that I still wonder sometimes if I can even be who you clearly loved back then, even if I still hear that same voice calling to me saying “don’t give up, just a little longer, you have to be strong for both of you”. It makes me so sad seeing you be friends with both of those people now, not that I’m mad at them or jealous but the knowledge that you have no idea that without them saying that I’m not good enough, I know what would’ve happened.
I’d be cooking you breakfast in the kitchen right now while you sleep in, nothing too crazy but tea or coffee most importantly. I’d go to wake you up but our cats would’ve already most likely woken you up, circling you for attention but running at the last second. I’d say good morning, we’d figure out what we’d want to do today and we’d just go! Just go. We wouldn’t worry about the words of others, we’d live for once in our lives when everyone else has denied us of that for so long and at the end of the night, we’d be back home and see who could say the sappiest bullshit imaginable to try to give each other the ick while I held you in my arms.
Neither of us would end up winning. And we didn’t in reality either. I should’ve believed in love, we would have won. But I believed in the unkind words of others more and for that, it will be farewell.