Husband with stay up with friends but not with me and the baby
Please let me know if I am wrong or overreacting here.
My husband and I had a baby five months ago. Seven months ago, he got a labor job, and six months ago, I moved in with him. After giving birth, I chose to move across the country to a different state just to be with him because I missed him too much. Shortly after, he got promoted to an office position within the same company.
Since our baby was born, I have been doing 100% of the childcare. He will occasionally help make a bottle or wash one here and there, but the baby is entirely my responsibility. I believe she has colic because she cries constantly, especially at night. For the first three months, I slept on the couch just so the crying wouldn't wake him up. Because we only had one car at the time, and the baby would scream the entire time we drove, I couldn't go anywhere except for grocery runs. He took the car to work every day.
At his new job, he made friends with a group of coworkers. In my opinion, they aren't the best crowd. The main guy in the group actually got angry and treated my husband terribly when he found out my husband made more money than him, essentially saying he didn’t deserve the promotion. Yet, somehow, they are now "best friends."
My husband works from 5:00 AM to 5:00 PM and usually gets home around 5:30 PM. When he gets home, he showers, eats, does his own laundry, or works on his truck. This routine takes about two hours, or he’ll run to the store. By 8:30 PM, he goes to sleep. He always tells me he wishes he had more time to hang out with us, but that he's just too tired.
Eventually, I decided to move back to my home state. I thought it would be easier because I’d have my own car, and I wouldn't have to catch a flight every time the baby had a doctor's appointment.
Since I moved back, he has been going to this coworker's house 2 to 3 times a week, since the guy lives right near the job site. I’m not mad that he’s socializing; I am mad because every time he goes over there, he stays up until 1:00 AM or 3:00 AM.
He would never do that for me. He wouldn't even stay up to help me with the baby. He stays over there drinking beers, chatting, and playing Magic: The Gathering. When I confront him, he tells me he stays out late because he is "too depressed to go home."
I feel incredibly hurt. Why is it that when he is with me, he claims he can't function without a strict sleep schedule, but he can suddenly stay up all night with them? He has done this before with past friends, too.
Recently, I asked to FaceTime him because I missed him. The time before that, we got into a fight because he stayed out too late. I feel like he is just happier without us and prefers this lifestyle over helping me. I texted him, "I just want a fun day and to be able to sleep," and he completely ignored it. No reply.
I feel like I am not enough. What hurts the most is that this past week, he went over there three days in a row and stayed up late every time. When we do FaceTime, he looks completely checked out—like he’s only doing it because I forced him to. Why doesn't he get excited to see me or his daughter?
I feel exactly like a single mother. I originally never wanted to have kids because I watched my sister be a single mother while trapped in a marriage. I was terrified of ending up in the exact same position. I really thought he was different. I told him all of my fears before we had a baby, and yet, here I am.
To make matters harder, I started working a work-from-home job a month ago. Our baby is incredibly clingy right now; she cries the moment I put her down and refuses to let anyone else hold her. I work a 9-to-5 while taking care of a high-needs baby all day long. I never get a single second off. If the baby has a bad day, it turns into a horrific week for me. This feels like hell.
Everyone else in my life is too busy with their own lives to help. I don't know if this is just my hormones talking, but I feel completely trapped.
When we argued about this, he threatened to quit his job. I told him not to be stupid because this promotion is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Now I feel like it's my fault, and I've shot myself in the foot because he was supposed to come home at the end of May, but now he is staying there until August. Because of that, I feel like I no longer have the right to complain—but I am just so furious that he chooses to give all his time and energy to his coworkers instead of his family.