r/sahm

I’m a SAHM of 3. I’ve stayed home since my oldest was born 10 years ago. I’ve made many Mom friends over the years, but I live in a transient area and almost everyone has moved away. I have a few left in my area, but we’ve gone in different directions and our kids aren’t really friends anymore. I was so busy with small children for so long and now that my youngest is in preschool a few mornings per week, I’m getting some more personal time and it’s making me feel really lonely. At the same time, I don’t really have the energy to make friends and start over. I speak to my friends who live afar, but that’s not enough. I need to hang out and feel connected.

Is this just the life of a SAHM? I wish so many of my friends hadn’t moved away, but such is life.

And I can’t help but think “Where were any of you when I was postpartum?”

For context, I didn’t want to have a party for her. I wanted to go on a family vacation with my husband and daughter. He works a lot and we don’t get to spend as much quality time together as I’d like. He wanted a party, and he doesn’t tell me no often or ask for anything often, so I acquiesced.

Update: wow this sparked so many more comments and conversations than I thought it would. I’m just going to update this because I’ve replied to a few comments with the same thing so it’ll just be easier for me to clarify here. Basically this all boils down to me wanting these conversations to be had so that women (sahms, working moms, whoever) has access to factual info and options so they can make educated decisions for themselves and for their families. Not decisions based on fear. Not decisions based on societal labels. But real educated decisions based on knowing realistic options for their specific circumstances. I hate the “all sahms are screwed” narrative because some young woman could hear that and automatically think “well I don’t want that to be me, guess I can never be a sahm” and that’s it. So she never explores her options or knows that there are ways to make the decision with safeguards in place to protect herself/her children. Basically knowledge is key, knowledge is power, these conversations are important, negative blanket statements help no one.

This is more of a rant than a discussion but I’m just so annoyed with this notion that many people have that if you’re a sahm you’re automatically screwed in terms of finances (for yourself). Of course there are cases where women do fall into bad situations and/or don’t plan ahead accordingly and do get screwed if their spouse divorces them, leaves them, loses their job, etc BUT not ALL sahms are victims of that. I feel like it’s just such a bad light to paint sahms in like “oh she’s giving up her career and choosing to screw herself out of stable finances if she becomes a sahm and wants to spend all that time with her babies”. But then moms also get judged for going back to work and having “daycare raise their babies all so she can advance in her career”.

This all stems from a different post I saw in another sub and so many comments were like “I’m so glad I never quit my job especially when my ex and I ended up divorcing” or “sahms always say ‘I have a degree to fall back on’ but that means nothing” or “it’s so crazy how some women are okay with giving up career/salary advancements just to stay home with their baby”. Obviously I don’t speak for all sahms, but I personally have a degree to fall back on AND yes it is a highly in demand field that I know for a fact I’ll have zero issues finding a job in once I’m ready to go back (when my toddler starts school). No, not all degrees are useless even with a 4+ year resume gap. No, not all sahms are “screwed”. Some of us have thought ahead and have put certain protections in place for the “just in case” scenarios. No, sahms aren’t any less than other moms just because we’ve chosen to forego a salary for a few years. It just grinds my gears that so many people (especially other women!) put sahms down and paint us all as helpless, incapable, screwed women.

I recently had our daughter and my husband is giving me the option to quit my job and stay home with her. My mom is planning to retire soon so if I keep working can ask her for help since I work from home but know my mom didn’t retire to then take care of an infant 40hrs a week so don’t want to rely on her solely to watch her.

I work from home so could try to figure out how to make it work but even the thought of it stresses me out trying to juggle both and feel guilty already not being able to give my daughter the attention she may need during the work days. Financially we can make it off of my husband’s salary but we will have to budget and be very mindful of what we’re spending. I’m worried that the guilt of not contributing financially will be a lot for me but at the same time putting our daughter in daycare is a no go either.

I feel like since I have to option to stay home and watch her grow up I should take it plus I really want to but I’m so worried about the guilt. Any thoughts?

I used to teach elementary school until I had our second baby 4 years ago. This will be my 5th year at home and now I have a 5 month old too. Financially, I do not need to return to work ever if I don’t want to, but I really do want to. The problem is, I never want to teach again. I’ve subbed a little and it is SO hard to spend the entire day with young kids and then come home to 3 young kids. Also the profession sucks right now and the stress is way too high.

I need something to do that is just for me, but I don’t know how to make a complete career change at almost 40 after a 5 year gap. My job used to be so important to me and now I feel like I’ve lost my identity. What can I do??

Hello all!

I wanted to gather some feedback for my mom who creates children’s clothing. She wants to start a small business creating made to order capsule wardrobe for babies-toddlers and I wanted to get some insight for her.

I always want to put my 10mo baby girl in outfits, but I really don’t want to keep buying sets that have to be worn together or pants for onesies. So she had the idea of just having a few of each clothing item that has a cohesive style to make outfits out of.

She’s thinking: 3 tops, 3 shorts, 2 pants, a romper, a dress, and a some sort of coat/jacket. She can make completely customize the style, pattern/color, size, and gender/gender neutral.

I’m wondering what your thoughts on this are. Would you be interested? Does it depend on the price? If so what would you be willing to be for what amount of items? Would you consider purchasing one maybe as a gift? What age would you consider this for? Any other insight to think of?

TIA!

ETA: neither of us have any experience in business or marking so if this sounds silly I’m sorry 🫪

I see a lot of posts on here talking about how boring and routine sahm life can be, although I too struggle with it even with these “tricks” I’ve adapted I thought they might be worth sharing.

First we leave our city. I go grocery shopping or run errands in the surrounding cities/ neighborhoods to ours so it doesn’t feel like I’m going to the SAME grocery store, same post office, etc. every day/ week. To add to that, unless it’s something I can exclusively get online. I do a lot of my shopping in person, it gives us something to do out of the house.

Same for library’s and playgrounds. I’ll drive out to different ones all over our state even, and treat it as a mini “day trip”. Pack some lunch/ snacks and a blanket to chill on and we’ll spend the whole day out. Rather than just going to our local playground 4 times in the same week.

We request museum, aquarium, indoor playground memberships for our family at holidays so we have multiple options to rotate out instead of choosing only 1-2 that we can afford. (Also helps keep the house from getting overran with toys).

I clean while the kids are awake!! Yes some days are easier then others and yes there some days I get one thing cleaned and turn around just to find a new mess, BUT reserving nap time for “me” has given me so much time to get back into some of my hobbies and not feel so “lost” to motherhood. Even if it’s not something I can get to EVERY day making sure I prioritize it when I can has been a game changer for my mental mood. (Including them in the cleaning is usually helpful too: washing dishes, let my toddler sit on the counter and scrub a plastic cup for 20mins she loves soap/bubbles and water, need to wipe the counters/ appliances down: give them spray bottle with water and a paper towel, mine runs around the kitchen drenching everything but it’s just water and dries 30mins later anyway)

I know this one might be a bit silly and seem obvious, but even on days we stay home just getting out on the porch so we’re not trapped IN the house, lighting a candle, or opening the windows and blinds for some fresh air and sunlight seriously can give the house such a “refreshed” feeling.

My daughter is going through a huge fussy stage right now where she doesn’t want to do anything but free roam my house. She has a playpen area with all of her toys, and she will stay in it for about 20 minutes at a time before she gets tired of it.

She only seems content when we’re out shopping, (of course lol) or when she’s free roaming in my house and I just cannot stand having to follow her around everywhere and never getting to just have a second to relax other than when she naps. My house is not baby proofed and we’re moving next week so everything is just an absolute mess.

I don’t have a car during the day unless I bring my husband to work so we’re stuck at home all day, and live in Florida so going outside in the yard isn’t really ideal unless we have a pool 🥲 ugh.

My daughter is 6 years old and this year especially, I feel like it's been really hard for her to make friends. She is super smart and was an only child for 5.5 years, so I feel like she is a little advanced or "grown" at least in the eyes of my sisters, but she is overall a super sincere, genuine friend. She loves to share and she loves to make her friends feel seen and heard, although she has no filter and that's something we're working on. She has started to get her feelings hurt more than ever before recently and I just don't really know how to help her or what advice to give her. I can't remember how I felt when I was her age or what situations I went through that could be similar. I know that now as an adult, I couldn't careless how someone speaks to me or what they say, I try to be the same person all the time; kind and helpful. I don't want her to not establish boundaries or put up with things that she shouldn't have to just because I believe in being kind (I believe you can be kind and still have boundaries).

Two recent examples:

My daughter takes dance lessons on Tuesdays. One of her little friends takes the same lesson. They haven't really been around each other since last summer because they went to different schools and her friend was pulled out of the before/after care that they both attended, but they were really close last summer and whenever my daughter would attend the weeklong dance camps. Last week, her friend arrived to dance with a few of the other dance moms and kids, they were playing with squishies (my nemesis) and my daughter walked over to her and asked if she could play also and her friend told her no. My daughter asked her why the other girls could play but she couldn't and her friend told her, "Well it's because we know each other's moms." ... ok. (for context, we had a playdate scheduled for the coming up Friday that the mom actually rescheduled to the next Friday) I told her to brush it off, you have a ton of squishies at home to play with (even though it crushed me inside).

They started the lesson and about 10 minutes through my baby comes out to the lobby to tell me that her friend and another mutual "friend" were talking about her and she thinks she wants to cancel the play date. I told her that we can do whatever she wants to do but she should go back in there and ask the girls if they were talking about her. I could see on the TV that as soon as she went back into the room the little girl ran up to her. I later found out that the girl ran up to her and said "can't you wait for our playdate!!!" and my daughter asked her if she was talking about her. She told my daughter that she wasn't talking about her, she was talking about her ice cream sandwich. IDK weird.

I tried to talk to my daughter about it on the way home and she was just so confused. She didn't know if they were really talking about her or not, and she didn't know if she wanted to cancel the playdate any longer since her friend told her that they weren't talking about her. She did tell me that when she first got into the lesson room, she was standing next to her friend when her friend said "lets get some personal space." This is very valid, the child might want some personal space and my daughter could very well have been invading it - that didn't bother me much. but seeing the hurt on my babys face and her telling me that her tummy felt yucky just crushed me. I told the mom what my daughter told me and she said she would handle it.

My daughter was enrolled in a before and after care program that she initially LOVED. Over time she started to hate it, like HATE IT. She hasn't gone all summer long. After talking to her, I found out it's because one of the teachers gives her a hard time. My daughter says that this teacher is so mean to her and is always yelling at her about something and being sassy to her. I talked to the director who reassured me that the teacher in question has never raised her voice, but I didn't really think that to begin with. I told the director that my daughter just feels like she's always being picked with/on and the only child at that. My nephews go to the same before and after care and have also told me that this teacher is always nit picking with my girl, even though sometimes my nephews are on her side and other times they are the ones getting her in trouble (this is just kids I guess).

My point is that.... everywhere my daughter goes, there is someone who is making her feel like shit. My mind says that the common denominator is the problem (that would be my daughter, lol) but my heart is telling me that it's something else. She is having trouble making connections, getting her feelings across or getting her feelings hurt and I am TIRED OF IT.

I will admit that she is a bit sassier when I am around, idk the science behind that but whenever I am not there and she is just with my sister, my mom or grandmother, etc. she is good as gold. She is even an angel when it's just her and I! but the minute that someone else is around or even on the phone she sometimes gets smart mouthed and sassy.

I am just looking for advice or an encouraging word. It's important to note that I do not live in lala land and think that my daughter does no wrong -- I will not make excuses for shitty behavior; she can be sneaky and manipulative, but she is also soft and sweet and such a good friend.

thank you for reading.

Husband and I decided I should stay home because we do not trust daycares or strangers to take care of our baby. She is about 3 months now. We believe one of us should be the primary caretaker. I have been trying to clean today but every time I get up my baby starts crying. Even if she’s in the basinet sleeping on her own. As soon as I get up from bed or couch she starts crying. I play a YouTube vid to start my cleaning and it doesn’t even last a minute when I hear WAHHHHH. How do y’all do it? My husband suggested I baby wear for some things and yes some things can be done while baby wearing but what about cooking and cleaning with chemicals???? He doesn’t expect me to cook or clean. He just wants me and baby to be happy and safe but I do not like seeing a messy house and cooking when he’s here takes time away from us spending time together.

Hi, I'm a 24 year old stay at home mom. I don't know where to ask or who. Firstly yes I am seeing a therapist but I just wanna ask the moms who have to stay at home..

I moved away from Texas due to being pregnant, my family are very abusive and narcissistic so I moved away to the man I fell in love with.. I ran with nothing but a suitcase of clothes and my phone. I thought I had a job set up here but they never reached out after so many times..I have been a stay at home for 3/4 years and since I lost my chance to take my final exam for my license to work, I just haven't been myself. I don't wanna be touched by my kid.. endless no's endless screaming, talking, endlessly wanting to help me with EVERYTHING, i have no safe place..my parents in laws are drunks and I have been working as much as I can to get myself out of this place but I'm so exhausted..I don't want to be bothered with anyone, i take care of the house, I take care of the animals..I never am given space even when I wake up so early give myself a hour or a Sunday without anyone bugging me..I still just feel so drained even after a day to myself.. I take care of my kid, I make sure she has everything but afterwards I just don't wanna be bugged.. it's so frustrating, endlessly someone needing my attention, I can't enjoy art anymore..I try to include her but she just ends up taking my work and ruining it..and I just can't find joy in motherhood right now so I'm asking if anyone else feels this way? Is there anything I can do to make it easier? To find joy in this? I don't know anymore..

I have little ones with me all the time, I’m never by myself, so something that can work with them having me. No adult content either, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. Also, it doesn’t need to be a lot. I would be happy if it’s just a little over $100 dollars a month. Obviously it would be cool if it was more! Help!

Hi everyone, my son will be 3 in early September. We decided to start potty training as his preschool requires it (with that said, they told me yesterday that it’s fine if he is in a pull up). His little brother is 17 months younger. Usually, we leave the house 1-2 times a day for an outing. We’ve tried to stay home as much as possible for potty training and he has made progress, but we are at the point where it’s impacting my mental health staying home. We are all bored and getting irritable with potty training. However, if we do outings, he’s either in a pull up or just underwear (we’ve done this 1-2 times). It’s already so hard leaving the house as it is, but now potty training makes it so much more difficult. Do I delay potty training for when it’s not so much a fight and have him in pull ups? Or just stay home (but then we all go stir crazy…). He has only gone in a toddler potty, not an actual toilet. He is very spirited and opinionated, having him sit on the toilet would cause a massive meltdown.

I have been a SAHM since my son was born (he is now 2 years old). I want to try and bring in some extra income while being home with my kids. I have my 2 year old and my 3 month old and would like to bring in some extra income while being with them.

What do you do to bring in extra income? I’ve thought about posting on tik tok but I know it takes a while to start getting paid. Maybe bake some goodies but then would need to buy baking supplies and ingredients. Etsy maybe, but I believe you need to pay to post items on there?

I am currently transitioning to being a SAHM after having our third child. I’ve spent 5+ years as a corporate working mom and have worked nonstop since my teens. We’ve been together almost 20 years so this is a shift in our dynamic but we both agree ever since I got pregnant with our third that this change is for the best. This has been my dream for way longer than I would have ever been willing to admit and I am so excited to be fully available for our children and to homeschool.

However, my husband has expressed to me that he feels alone in his provider role, that I can’t help him with it and he feels like he has no one. I think part of the issue is he doesn’t really have any “dad friends” to relate to and everyone in his life is child free. He’s been distant, anxious, withdrawn from the family, and clearly struggling so I am trying my best to hold it all down in the household while pretty newly postpartum, so I am low on bandwidth too, but I want to be there for him and don’t know how. It feels like I do and say the wrong thing, and I feel like by leaving my job I’m taking away support I could give. Anyone been through similar with their spouse and have advice for me? Thank you in advance💕

I am a FTM and I have a 16mo and I’m wondering if it’s too early to think potty training is possible? They don’t seem to like diapers and have shown interest in taking off even slightly wet ones and I don’t know if that’s a sign of readiness? We are pretty isolated (only me, them and their father, who is gone most of the time because of his job) and I don’t want them to fall behind in terms of skills and things.

I have a toddler and I’m desperate for that sense of friendship and community where we can just meet up and let the kids run wild and fend for themselves, so the moms can relax, have time to chat, swap babysitting to take breaks, etc. (within safe bounds, and under supervision obviously before some troll thinks I’m implying neglect).

I’m pretty shy so the idea of approaching a random mom at the library or playground asking to be “friends” is wayy out of my comfort zone, not to mention not even knowing if they want to be approached, if they are someone I’d even get along with, etc. Even attending mommy and me type of events I don’t necessarily feel like I’m getting to talk with or make friendship with the other mothers as much as we’re all focused on the class/ our children. Or the other moms have this sort of “performative” my baby is the smartest, my husband is the richest, my struggles are the hardest, etc. thing going on that’s a huge turn off for me and I have no interest in that surface level somewhat competitive style of friendship.

Im also only 25, I live in the northern east coast, so I’m basically looked at like a teen mom out here and found a lot of the other moms are at least a good decade older then me. There’s obviously nothing wrong with that, but I would love to feel like I’m hanging out with a peer and not an older sister kind of vibe… if that makes sense.

I’m currently staying home with my 18 month old and 3 year old (3 year old will be 4 in November). I only started staying home with them a little over a month ago. My 3 year old was very used to the structure and routine of daycare. She still constantly talks about her daycare friends and teachers. Although it isn’t an option to send her back to that particular daycare, there are several preschools in our area that offer scholarships. I’ve been contemplating if I should start sending her to preschool or not… she seems to be awfully bored at home. Tbh, she’s been having a lot of screen time. Between caring for my 18 month old and housekeeping, I find myself with little mental energy to do activities with her, and I feel guilty about it. I also feel a little guilty sending her to preschool since I only just started staying home with her. Am I just a lazy mom? 😔

Any other SAHMs send their kiddos to preschool? I would love to hear your thoughts/experiences.

3AM overthinking on this

I am enjoying being a SAHM but I am terrified that one day my relationship doesn’t work out and I get divorced. The lack of savings and having to start at an entry level job with low pay. Not having a stable home and struggling to pay bills terrifies me.

My husband has me on all his credit cards so my credit is not an issue. Just the fear of not being able to make it by myself. Not to mention if we are married 10-15 years and I am a SAHM all that time then divorce.. I won’t be able to survive on 50% of his retirement amount.

Therefore I have decided to start working as soon as my baby turns 3. I am studying free certifications online like AI and Microsoft to be able to have a talking point regarding my gap in employment in my resume

And yes 3 is so young to be put in daycare but if I go back to work, my baby can be in a private montessori preschool with the best care and education