r/sahm

So becoming a SAHM in the next year (probably by the end of this year) husband got a great job that pays more than we both currently make, it’s in a country I don’t have working status in and for my field of work it’s impossible to do a similar job there unless I was a citizen.

Currently we both work, I do pretty much everything for our son (2), if my husband does something, 90% chance I told him how to do it or what to do. It sucks, I hate working and having to do/think of everything. My husband is convinced that life will be better if I’m a SAHM for everyone. He basically told me he cannot do 50/50 and pushed to get a job where he made more so I could stay home and have more time. I would ideally love to keep working for the stability and have an equal partner but that’s not going to happen.

I was a SAHM for my sons first 19 months of life and it was exhausting but he was also; colic for the first 8 months (until we found out his food allergies/intolerances) didn’t nap consistently until he was 11 months old, husband was coming off a medication that made his mood swings insane and he was super unpredictable a terrible partner through that (if it wasn’t because the medication and apologies from him I would have been long gone) we moved across the country when my son was 5 months old and didn’t know anyone there/had no paid help too. Gosh what else, I exclusively breastfed for a year and then the last 4 months I basically couldn’t eat anything because we couldn’t find consistent hypoallergenic formula and I’d rather not have a screaming baby all day than eat things with soy or milk in them. I constantly thought about if I was at work I’d at least have 1 hour of breaks during the day and it would be so much easier, why am I doing this when my son doesn’t seem happy no matter what I do and my husband just expects me do love this with a smile on my face.

Financially it makes sense because we will have the same income as we currently do or more depending on bonuses etc. and no cost of daycare which is why I’m willing to consider it. And the area is a much cheaper cost of living. Right now I’m solo parenting for a month and working while my husband ensures the new job is worth it and he likes it. By Sunday I’m freaking drained, the weekend is a lot, especially on a day like today when my kid didn’t nap. I love my son so much but he’s 2 and can be a lot! The weeks and weekend aren’t more exhausting than they were with my husband still here, which isn’t a great sign, although I could at least go out if he was home that night or get an early work out in before my son was awake, now I have to wait for child watch hours to work out or use my lunch break. It just doesn’t seem like having him home all day everyday will give me more time, I think I might have less? I don’t have a good experience being a SAHM toddler mom though so please advise.

So if you have a husband that’s not willing to be an equal parent, do you have more or less time as a SAHM? He is an equal parent with night wake ups because I made it clear sleep is a human right and for medical reasons we both cannot co sleep with our children until they are older and it’s safer.

I am a SAHM and my husband works a lot over the road. My mom and family live 5 hours away. For my first birth I lived close to them, it was perfect and my husband and mom were there the entire 12 hour labor and the rest of my family came the next day.

This time, it’s a bit more challenging to line things up just right. My due date is the 21st. However I am totally open to a membrane sweep at 39 weeks. I need both my mom and my husband because my first born is going to need someone and I am going to need someone 🥲 their schedules only work for 10th-17th. I am praying I can get the membrane sweep and go into labor that week 😭 I am so nervous and I cannot handle the thought of being in labor at the hospital by myself but I also do not want an induction. I’m thinking of a doula or midwife to be my support person but how much do these really cost and are they worth it?

Anyone dealt with a similar thing?

I’m really thinking about it.

I have been in childcare for 11 years and I don’t have kids yet.

For people who have been in childcare professionally before having kids, what’s your experience been?

How comparable to being a postpartum doula, nannying, babysitting or even working in a daycare?

How much did your childcare experience help?

Tell me all the fun stuff you have in your backyard!! I want our house to be the fun place

I do most of the housework but my husband will sometimes clean the kitchen after dinner. He genuinely does not clean well. If he washes dishes, there will 1000% still be food on them. I'm talking egg chunks, splatters of marinara, chunks of ground beef, etc. Sweeping is the same, wiping counters and tables.

I know "weaponized incompetence" is a popular phrase right now. But I also realize he didn't grow up in a clean home and didn't learn. His apartment was messy when we were dating but he said it was his roommates, and I believed him. Oh well. Here we are. I don't want to come behind him to clean all the time. When I bring it to his attention and ask him to redo things, he usually gets snippy, so I often redo it myself. But that's obviously frustrating too.

So, would you just do all the cleaning yourself. Or bring it to his attention and "nag" until he redoes it properly?

ETA: I find it funny that these comments vary from "gently teach him like he's a child" to "make him eat off the dirty dishes". Lawd help us lol. I haven't figured out the best approach for us yet, but thanks for y'all's input.

Hi everyone! I am curious, how do you guys plan to schedule your work around your child’s preschool and elementary school hours? I don’t know how I will be able to pick up my preschooler at 1:30 with a normal 9-5

I have recently been struggling with unhappiness and loneliness. I have a beautiful 2 year old I stay at home with and he truly is the best part of my days and the only person besides my dad who I feel loves me unconditionally. I attend all the activities with my toddler to get us both out and socialized. Story time, swim, etc. I still am struggling to find my group of moms that I feel comfortable with and can relate to.My family lives far away and so do my few friends I have. My mother in law is the only person we have to help and she only commits to a couple of hours a week. I will add she is unemployed and often occupies her time with busy work that I won’t get into. My husband has said before that he wishes she would help more and not be so clueless that we are both drowning. But maybe we should be honest with her? My husband struggles to understand where I come from when I say I am unhappy and lonely. He says I should be grateful and that I should not be going to him for mental health struggles. He doesn’t want that burden and I get it. He has been working two jobs for us and has his own struggles. It’s not that I’m ungrateful I am just desperate for human connection and people I can relate to. He is always on his phone when we are alone, eating dinner with our toddler, etc. he is always checked out and that contributes to my loneliness. My mother in law will leave as soon as I get back from a grocery store trip. Pretty much runs out the door and that contributes to a lot of my loneliness. I’m looking for a solution here and I think that would be for me to get something part time once my husband’s second job is over for the summer. I also think that could add to my burn out that I am feeling because I know the chores I do would not change. Is this just a season? Will I look back on these years and think I was foolish and ungrateful? Or will I look back on these years and feel sorry for myself for not getting help sooner?

i’ve called multiple apartment complexes and they all said i have to get a 2 bedroom for me, my husband and a child. i wonder how people with one child or more children are able to get away and get approved for a one bedroom??.. just curious to know.

should i lie and say it will just be me and my husband moving in?..

I am SO tired of my baby yanking my freaking hair out!

I have very long hair and I keep it in a bun, but my baby hairs are long and she has literally ripped chunks out of my head before it hurts so so bad. I'm to the point where I'm debating on shaving the bottom part of my head just so she stops ripping it out

Genuinely never thought I’d ever be a fun sucker and be the person who biatches about fireworks online. Well. Here I am.

My son is 2yo and we leave for his first plane ride tomorrow to go across the country for my brothers wedding. And guess who went to bed two hours ago but is now wide awake because of motherfucking fireworks.

I’m so mad. He’s not pissed or scared, but he’s awake. As fuck. He’s the type of kid also where it doesn’t matter if he’s been asleep for five minutes or five hours, if he wakes up, he’s UP. So if you know, you know.

And of course I prioritized packing him first and spent days doing it. And now I’m trying to scramble at the last literal minute. And he’s awake. And I’m stressed. If this kid doesn’t sleep, he’s going to make it everyone’s problem on the plane tomorrow.

Send prayers and vibes and wishes and a miracle.

Hi all! I am a ftm to a 15 month old little boy! My husband and I are currently discussing the idea of another child sometime in the future.

The problem is this: my mental health got extremely bad postpartum with my first. Extreme postpartum anxiety and depression. Even some SI. I am in therapy now and have been doing lots better since starting therapy. My baby was also a very colicky baby. He screamed constantly unless he was sleeping for like 12 weeks. And even after that he was what I think would be considered a very high needs baby. He still has zero chill as a toddler but it’s just more like tantrums and getting into everything all the time.

My husband was and never has been what you would consider a “baby guy.” He loves our son and is super involved with him now. He was involved when he was a baby but you could tell that he was at a loss most of the time and had never been around a baby before. Hes mentioned several times that hes just now starting to enjoy time with our son and he doesn’t want to do the baby stage again. More importantly he says that he’s worried that neither he nor I can handle another postpartum period like I had with our first. He says our marriage won’t survive it and he’s worried that I potentially wouldn’t “survive” it (if you get his drift). I admit that things got very dark and our marriage has taken a big hit — especially before me starting therapy. The mental health aspect scares me too — that was one of the worst times in my life (mood/self image wise). I am worried that it will happen again. I am worried that our second would be just as hard of a baby as our first has been. But I also don’t feel done. I don’t want my little boy to grow up alone, to go through life alone, to bury us alone. My sister and I fight but I wouldn’t ever wish I didn’t have her. I feel that if I don’t have another that I will look back and regret it. My husband doesn’t feel he would regret not having another, he’s perfectly fine with things the way they are now. He was essentially an only child — he did have a stepsister that is 9 years his senior.

My husband feels he is OAD. I feel like I need one more. And to elaborate: prior to getting married we had always discussed two children and agreed on that. Having the first has just changed things with how badly it went for a while.

I guess I am asking for some perspectives/advice here?

If you had severe postpartum symptoms with your first, were they better or worse with your subsequent pregnancies/births?

If you had a really hard baby first, was your secind easier or harder?

What age gap would you veteran parents recommend for someone in my situation if we decide to proceed with another baby?

SAHM how do you not get burnt out? Like how do SAHM stay put together appearance wise I look crazy like 5 maybe 6 days out of the week

Genuinely looking for tips bc I’m a first time mom

We got our large dogs before we had kids, and now that I'm a mom I really regret getting them. They take up so much space, they make my house more dirty and smelly, they cost a lot of money to feed bc theyre so big. I cant leave them in the yard so theyre out of the way for more than 5 minutes or else they start digging in the yard.

I have a 4yo, a 2yo, and im 8 months pregnant. Last night putting my kids to sleep I fell asleep with them (didnt mean too but im just so exhausted all the the time) and one of my dogs peed downstairs on the carpet/a $400 toy. I know its my fault for falling asleep but damn she couldn't have peed next to the door in the kitchen?! Like why did she need to piss ontop of this toy thats no where near the door omfg. I wanna cry.

28F sahm to one 2 year old. Just struggling to make other mom friends tbh. My little one is more social than I am lol but I would love to find someone else who is in the same boat as me and would like to meet up in the mornings and let our kids play together. We have a membership at the Botanic Gardens so we’re there frequently. We’ve also gone to the library meet ups and our go-to indoor playground is at Bellevue (fond of the free things). I just don’t think im built for typical mom groups, I like the freedom of a less structured week and just saving money while enjoying nature with kiddo. But my husband and I are holding off on having another kid because we have no village. No siblings with kids, grandparents still work full-time. It’s just me and my daughter, day in, day out, until dad gets home at 4pm everyday.
Please reach out if you’re in a similar situation! I haven’t found any good fb or discord groups for Memphis SAHMs, so I thought I’d give Reddit a go. Thanks!

I’m 30F and I’m torn about whether or not to have children. My mother was a SAHM, and because I had such a happy upbringing, I feel that if I do have kids, there should be a stay-at-home parent in the picture. I'm interested in becoming a stay-at-home mom, but I’m struggling with the idea of putting a pause on my(or my partner's) career. I don't have any stay-at-home mom friends around my age, so I’d love to hear about the joys of being a SAHM.
Apologies if this is a repetitive question, as I just joined here.

(Sorry I can't reply to everyone, but I’m reading every single comment and finding them all so fascinating and eye-opening! Thank you so much.)

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 3 years and I’m never in a “good mood” anymore. Everything feels like a chore and I feel like I survive each day in a fog. I’m not necessarily in a bad mood like overtly mad or sad or anything. I just exist. Happiness is fleeting. Too worn out to do anything “extra” than what’s already expected of me. I cook and clean all day I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be chipper and joyous about it??? Even things that are supposed to be fun are just more work. For example, Today we are swimming and BBQing but what that actually breaks down to is.. going to a busy grocery store, prepping food and cleaning my kitchen, wresting my kids to put sunscreen on, taking out and cleaning up all the pool toys, giving kids a post-chlorine bath, doing towel and swim suit laundry, doing bbq dishes. For like maybe 30 minutes in the pool and some burgers.

I’ve been told to take care of myself. Sleep isn’t restorative as I wake up just as tired as I went to bed. Been dealing with some postpartum health issues that don’t help my morale. I feel like this is the hardest job I’ve ever had and also I feel the worst I ever have. I work really hard taking care of my kids, my house, and even myself. I workout everyday and the movement temporarily boosts my mood but it’s temporary. Maybe it feels like 1 concrete action step towards not feeling like a fat slob all the time but I still feel like a fat slob. Bought a cute lounge set last week and within 1 hour of wearing it my kid dribbled a grape popsicle stain down the front of it climbing on me while I was asking him not to.

If I had a magic wand I don’t even know what I would wish for because there’s really nothing wrong except something wrong with me :(

Other moms who have been in this funk… how did you get out of it?

New SAHM with a baby and toddler (5’1 and 110 lbs). I’m looking for easy to wash comfortable mom outfit ideas with pockets that can help me feel a bit more put together. I’m tired of looking like a slob in athletic clothes when I don’t even have time to go to the gym. If you have brands, boards or influencers to follow I would really appreciate it. 

I’m not someone who coupons, budgets, or really pays mind to what things cost. We are not made of money but we do not struggle.

Recently I have been lightly dabbling in paying attention to sales and not getting what I normally would. For example, usually I’d buy Classico spaghetti sauce for I don’t know, $5-$6 give or take but lately I’ve been exploring others brands for $2-$3 and with MORE sauce.

That’s just an example but now I’m like what else could I be doing? Where do I find coupons, digitally or paper.

Do you feel it’s worth it? I also do not want to overly hoard food and house supplies but I do want to save.

Also what do you DIY that saves $$?

I feel like there may be a ton of savings and
I’m making it my new mission to see how much I can save monthly.