My husband pays the bills, so apparently I’m not allowed to complain about doing everything else
Ever since having a child, I feel like I don’t know my husband anymore. It honestly feels like he randomly decided to change his entire personality, while simultaneously becoming more and more critical of me.
My husband and I are both Jewish, but we’re Russian Jews and neither of us grew up particularly religious. We both grew up very culturally Russian and religion was never a major part of our lives.
Now suddenly my husband is encouraging us to go to synagogue, wants us to be more religious, talks about how we should “smile more” and be “happy Jews” wants us to do Bible readings together etc. I honestly want NO part of it. It feels incredibly performative to me and I cringe every time he brings up doing Bible readings together because this is just so far removed from the relationship and life we had before.
He also wants me to register with the local synagogue. I said absolutely not, and apparently the rabbi now wants to meet with me to talk about why I don’t want to register. I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to say other than “My husband seems to be having some kind of identity crisis and I don’t want to participate in it”
But religion is honestly only one part of a much bigger problem
My husband constantly disagrees with my parenting and complains about how I clean and maintain the house. He also seems incapable of understanding that being a SAHM is exhausting and that I need time away from our child too.
I’ve barely had any time alone for the past couple of weeks. Today he was taking our child for a walk to the park and I told him I didn’t want to come because “I need a break too.”
He became incredibly offended by the word “too.” Apparently saying I need a break “too” implied that he doesn’t have anything stressful going on. He started explaining how he has so many things on his mind that he never gets a break from and that I don’t even think about.
He does this CONSTANTLY. He picks apart the exact words I use and takes everything ridiculously literally. I can’t just say, “I’m exhausted.” Suddenly we need to have a whole conversation about how exhausted he is too. Everything turns into a debate or lecture.
Meanwhile I do 99.99% of the household stuff.
I recently told him that I don’t feel appreciated for everything I do. His response? That I don’t appreciate the fact that he pays the bills. And honestly no I don’t, I don’t appreciate him paying the bills, because I believe he should pay he a symbolic amount of money every month for being a SAHM so I don’t end up in a bad and vulnerable situation in case something happens in our marriage or with him.
Our child is also extremely high needs. She always has been. She’s very fussy, cries a lot, is incredibly intense and needs almost constant attention. I love her more than anything, but I’m also exhausted and overstimulated by her. Apparently I’m not allowed to say that either.
Instead of helping me when I’m reaching my limit, my husband lectures me about how I shouldn’t “show” how exhausted or frustrated I am around her.
Yesterday she was having one of those days where absolutely everything resulted in crying. At one point she simply fell down onto her butt and started crying. My husband heard her from another room, immediately came into the living room and started accusing me of not watching her properly.
I tried explaining what happened, but I was so overwhelmed and fed up that I ended up crying and locking myself in the bathroom.
And then there’s the constant criticism about the house.
I’ve heard SO MANY TIMES that I’m not tidy enough. I don’t make the bed every day. Things aren’t always put away immediately. The apartment isn’t always perfectly organized.
What he doesn’t seem to understand is how demoralizing it is to spend your entire day taking care of a demanding toddler who sometimes barely lets you accomplish basic tasks, while constantly having this voice in the back of your head reminding you that your husband thinks you’re not doing enough.
I’m caring for someone who can start crying because I walked three feet away from her, and simultaneously I’m supposed to be thinking, “Oh, I should probably make sure the bed is made before my husband notices”
I don’t need another person supervising me.
That’s what is getting to me more than anything. When I’m overwhelmed, I don’t get help. I get commentary. When I’m exhausted, I get a comparison about how exhausted he is. When our toddler is difficult, I get criticism about how I handled it. When the house isn’t perfect, I hear about that too.
I’m currently so angry and unhappy that part of me genuinely wants to tell him our marriage is over. I cannot imagine living like this indefinitely.
The terrifying part is that I’m a SAHM and I basically have no money of my own anymore. So even tho I’m reaching the point where I’m questioning whether I want to stay married, I also feel completely financially trapped. I have no money for rent, no money for lawyer and no money to put my kid in kindergarten while I try to get a job. If I leave this marriage it’s going to be awhile for me to see any child support and any financial support at all.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for here. Maybe perspective from other SAHMs who have been through something similar. Did your relationship change this drastically after having a child? And how do you even begin figuring out your options when you’ve become financially dependent on your spouse?