I'm disgusting
I've been with my husband(call him A) for 11 years, married for 3 of them. It took me so long to see that he was controlling me. Prior to our relationship, I was truly one of the guys. As much as A doesn't believe me, I didn't sleep with my friends. A lot of my immediate family died and they became my family. They never tried touching me or taking advantage. I was protected like a little sister. I didn't get along with girls bc i never shared any interests with them. I was 26F when I met A(26M), we moved in together fairly quickly because I didn't have anywhere to live when my mother acquired a new, 30 years younger, boy toy. He couldn't leave me alone so, obviously, I had to be the one to leave bc I was the problem.
I was head over heals for A, absolutely crazy in love with him! I had never loved someone so much. I knew that "us" was different when we would argue and the thought of us breaking up would never cross my mind as a possible solution. We had a kid. When the child started school, his mom offered me a job at the plant she was working at as a janitor during COVID. I realized how much I missed working and earning my own money. I was working 2nd shift and A worked 1st. Without one speck of proof, I was constantly being accused of cheating on him with his brother(that I absolutely despise) and with his brother in law that is 25 years older than me. Figured it was bc I was no longer stuck and trapped at home 100% of the time that he could track. I can never understand why a man would be with me if he thinks that I cannot possibly be around the other sex without throwing my legs open and begging for it. Why be with me if you honestly believe that I'm "such a whore"? If he was technological enough, he would have Spyware on my phone but he settled for going through it constantly, never finding anything. Like he paid attention to tire tracks in the dirt around our house. (Live on a dead end street so people turn around on it a lot after realizing they went the wrong way) Feel the hood of my car when he came home to see if I went anywhere without letting him know first. Telling him that him wanting to know where I am at all times is controlling and a form of abuse pisses him off more than anything bc he tries framing it as care and needing to know how/where to contact me in case of emergencies. He thought it was weird that I did not want to be notified of his every move as he made it. How could I just trust someone until they showed me otherwise? I was already friendless because of my friend group consisting of males and he managed to keep me away. I ended up getting a better job and then it wasn't even a couple of weeks before he started working there too but in a different department and on a different shift. I ended up becoming best friends with a coworker. I thought she was awesome. Her boyfriend hating her hanging out with me and mine hated me hanging with her. We still continued our friendship. The boyfriends would manage to get us mad at each other for a little while and then we would make up. I ended up not contacting her again this last time bc i hated making things hard for her. Her bf is physically abusive, mine isn't. I didn't want her getting hurt anymore bc of me. A absolutely loves it this way. He hated that he had no reason to be mad at me for hanging out with her but would start nonstop fights anytime I hung out with her until I learn the lesson that the fights stop when the behaviors he doesn't like stop. I had finally had enough and started saving money to get my own place about 3 years ago. I never cheated but I knew that I was going to leave him. No one has ever touched me or been given the slightest inkling that they could. He found a text that I sent a cute guy that I would vent to telling him that I would like to explore our friendship further after I got away from A and divorced. That is now A's 1000% justification that I am a lying, cheating whore and always have been for these 11 years. He will say that I've slept with the guy and kissed him and when I ask where he read any of that in the messages, he says I deleted them. Why would I delete those and not the other ones? But when he found the messages and I let him know that I was miserable, he threatened suicide. He caused me to lose my last couple of points at my job because he refused to let me sleep so I wouldn't wake up for work in time and be late. He found my money and took it. (Husband and wife, right?) He crossed the line when he brought our kid to me and told them that their parents won't be together bc of mom. (Never happened but why not traumatize them?) The 2nd line was crossed when he brought up something that has killed any self confidence in myself ever since it happened. I had to have emergency surgery to put the artery in my stomach back together. I have a thick, dark scar that runs from the bottom of my ribs to my pelvic area. I was overweight when it happened and after the surgery, I couldn't eat solids for 2 weeks so I drastically dropped weight and was stuck in a hospital bed. So you can guess how that looks. All of that happened before we got together. I can't believe that he had me convinced that it didn't bother him. He told me that the guy I texted would puke and be absolutely disgusted with me the second he saw me with my shirt off for the first time. So that's obviously how A sees it too. I can't ever forget that. It's always in the back of my mind. But I'm trapped here. I have no family. No support. No one that cares. Other than the fake care from my husband. He could kill me and get away with it because no one would ever report me missing. I don't expect anyone to read all of this. I just really needed to type it out, I guess. I wish that A would have never constantly accused me of being unfaithful. I always told him that if he ever knew just a small bit of how much I loved him then he would have never dared to accuse me. He is the one that has said he was fishing while his location showed him at a house miles away from where he said he was. He is the one that had friends lie to me about what he was doing. Saying he was at the hotel room while A told me he was with them at the bar all night. (After he broke up with me post childbirth while he was working out of state bc i didnt answer the phone when I called. Im epileptic and I was having a grand Mal seizure at the time bashing my face in) but he didnt dump me so he could hook up with this girl at the bar guilt free. If anything, im the only one that has shown love in this relationship. He doesn't even care enough to change one small behavior because he knows I cant stand it(put his clothes in the laundry basket and not on the floor) But I have had to change so many things about myself to make him happy. The old me would have never put up with this. I was a badass. Idk whats happened to me