“I’ve just had to shut everything out” Comments and Idk how to put words to it
TW: I mention SA but that’s not what this post is about
First time posting, hello. 👋
So, recently I think my last straw was reached with these “I’ve just had to shut everything out” people.
I work as support staff at a school and most of my coworkers are white. I’m also a part of a men’s support group for adult survivors of childhood SA where all of the other members are also white.
When it has come to topics about ICE raids, the files, and the ramping up or legal attacks on LGBT+ rights, I have just been feeling like a pendulum. I’ve had a coworker have the audacity to say it, followed by her crying about how many children ICE has saved. And other coworkers that pretend like they care and as if we’re cool despite me knowing full well that they voted for this admin. Even though it has become nauseatingly clear that I’m an exception to their bigotry, and their “I have a _____ friend so I can’t be _____”
That’s not the focus though, but it’s the build up. In my support group, I have tried multiple times to bring up how things happening sociopolitically have been impacting me as a survivor. Especially someone who experienced SA as a girl, and young woman. I’m feeling paralyzed, overwhelmed, terrified, and so many things. I can’t stop hearing those women screaming “they’re here, run inside, they’re here!” While blowing their whistles. I can’t go to bed at night without thinking about being dragged out and what would happen to me if I got detained and what danger my anatomy will put me in with those “officers.”
Each time I have shared this, there has been another member who says nothing except “I’ve just had to focus on my healing and have no idea what’s happening because I’ve just had to shut everything out.” And that’s it. He’s a white, gay man, conventionally attractive, and financially comfortable. And his also white partner apparently works with immigrant communities? I’ve been really irritated with him after he has been so gun ho about lying about us in front of directors and validating a therapist that has been nothing short of terrible to the group.
And then he comes back last week crying about being called a slur and how there are micro aggressions like stating “I’m disease free.” And because he’s HIV+, it’s so hard to be poly like that.
And I just felt nothing. I can objectively admit, that it is not okay to be called a slur, and it sucks to struggle to date over something that has had so much progress around it. But I couldn’t feel bad for him specifically. And I don’t know how to put it into words, but I’m very frustrated with him. My discrimination is too much for him and I have to stay up to date with things to be aware of what threats could be coming my way to my life and access to health care and he’s crying about a slur and not being able to find sex (he specified he was wanting to explore more sex, though I know being poly is more than sex)? Like am I not being sensitive enough? I don’t WANT to sit in his discrimination in part because he never sat with me. And I’m just so frustrated at him weaponizing this terrible therapist against us, and lying about us. I’m just so exhausted by these white people not caring or trying or doing any work at all. Especially white queer people that want to act all “enlightened,” because that’s how he is. And it’s just frustrating, and I am frustrated. And I’m trying really hard to come from a place of curiosity, and have this “healthy conflict” like we’re trying to do, but JFC am I just so closed off and pissed.
Am I being an asshole? Can other people put better words to what the fuck could be going on? Am I not thinking about myself enough? Too much? What have been your experiences if you wanna share?