u/IdkIjrdfk

This morning my 6ish month sober husband blew up at me in front of a repair man and it was SO embarrassing and just draining. I desperately wanted him to get sober so I could see the “real him” which I thought was sweet, caring, committed but honestly he seems angrier than ever. I’m so exhausted. And I feel so guilty because I hung so much hope on this and “I’m still not happy.”

I go to meetings and the other Al Anoners are suffering with children who are seizing, parents who are homeless, partners who can physically not stop consuming alcohol. And my guy has, after a fairly high-bottom, just kept being at least low grade miserable all the time. Maybe this isn’t about the substances? Maybe I just won’t ever get to live with him as a regulated adult?

My Q/spouse is coming up on 6 months of sobriety and he is clearly feeling a big mix of feelings about it. We were driving to an appointment across town in heavy traffic, just the 2 of us, when he said “Well I’ve done everyone else so I guess I should do this for you.” And the he went on to talk about/say sorry for being a bad husband to me, including a weird emotional affair he had 20 years ago when he was mad at me for working too much and “abandoning him.” I knew about this but I honestly had done this crazy thing where I convinced myself that it wasn’t really infidelity or that the bad feelings I got when I thought of this time period were my fault (because I should have had a better job/studied harder to have more options/etcetera.)

Anyway, when we paused to say he wasn’t sure he was doing this right. O said, “Let’s do this again when you are more certain of the process.”

Now he is being weird and distant. Could be about the odd amends-making routine but, honestly. It could be literally anything else.

I am so tired.

My group and sponsor are all really thoughtful and open about folks taking what they like/need and leaving the rest, moving at a pace that is comfortable (slow) and framing defects of character as traits that can be negative or positive depending on context. I just barely started my fourth step with the support of my sponsor by spending more time journaling about people, institutions and principles that I resent. Again, everyone I interact with has been very gentle and collaborative in terms of making sure I am not rushing or over exerting myself in this emotional endeavor. I’m grateful!

I’m in a line of work that prioritizes trauma informed practices. Thankfully, in addition to my professional expertise, I’ve had a lot of behavioral health support in my youth and am connected to good therapists now as shit continues to hit the fan with my Q.

My question for more established Al Anoners is how trauma informed practices are incorporated into conference approved literature?

I’m so curious about how more modern knowledge around things like appropriate disclosure, secondary trauma and re-traumatizing is incorporated especially with this being a peer-to-peer model.