I failed a class and can't go to the first term finals, now I feel like a failure
In my country, the final exams in your last year are held in May and June. We get our secondary school certificates a week before they start. If you fail a class, you have to take a remedial exam to not repeat the year, and that is at the end of June, which means you automatically cannot go to the final exams, and have to attend the second term, which is August and September. The whole setup is, in my honest opinion, bullshit.
I failed my last History test. Literally on the last day of class. I failed my last ever exam. So I couldn't repeat it, and I now have to take a remedial exam, which tests me on the whole 4 years of History class (so the whole human history), when I only failed the Ancient Greeks.
Now, that's not a problem, really. I know I'll pass, even if it kills me. No, the problem is that I feel like a complete failure of a student and a human.
How is it possible that I failed at the one thing that 99% of students can do? How am I the 1%?
What's worse, History was one of my electives. I failed a class I chose to take.
What's worse, I want to major in History. I failed something I wanted to give my life to.
All my classmates are talking about the exams that start on Friday, and everyone is studying, and I just feel so left behind. My whole summer, everyone will ask me about my finals, and I'll have to tell them that I'm doing the autumn term, and they will go "oh..." and give me this look of pity and uuuggggghhhhhh.
And it's not even about other people. It's about the fact that my life goal was to do the exams first term, and now I feel like I've shot myself in the leg right before the finish line.
I am literally sick to my stomach. I wake up every day hoping it is all just a nightmare, and it isn't.
I truly gave my all for this. I've been pushing through burn out for the past three years, I've pulled so many all-nighters I stopped count, I once didn't sleep for two days straight, I took drugs to help me concentrate, all to get through my final year, and I STILL FAILED.
And I don't know what more of my physical or mental being I have to give to finally finish those 13 years of education.
But yeah, in summary, I think I'm a failure, and I think I'm worthless, useless, and all the other horrible adjectives that I don't want to list. I feel like I'm less of a human, and I hadn't had anyone who could give anything to prove me otherwise, because everyone around me is fucking perfect and can do everything first try.
And it just breaks me. I've lost all sense of identity, and I've literally been living in a daze. I have completely isolated myself because the thought of seeing other people makes me want to throw up, but being alone with my thoughts makes me want to k*ll myself.
I just need someone to tell me something, and I don't even know what, because being in my head right now is unbearable, it's like my brains are torturing themselves, and worst of all, I feel like I deserve it.