I think I might be sick but I am scared to reach out to a professional
I think I am sick.
I just had a full replay of a traumatic response I witnessed many years ago,same person, same scenario,playing over and over. For years I could usually endure it and try not to provoke my mother. This time I could not stop breathing heavily and crying for two straight hours. Right now I believe I might need professional help but I do have a few worries.
In middle school I was in a very bad state. I could not shower or brush my teeth regularly. I would collapse onto my bed and sleep until the next morning, then go to school already exhausted and still fall asleep in class. My family could not afford therapy, and I doubted that talking to someone with a degree would fix the physical side of what I was feeling, so I never sought help.
I am now in my final year of high school, with entrance exams about six months away. After taking up a new hobby and making new friends I thought I was finally getting better and leaving that earlier state behind. I still struggle to brush my teeth regularly (though I do shower and wash my hair before school), but I mostly ignored the remaining problems,numbness, executive dysfunction, self-loathing, forgetfulness, and constant fatigue,because the rest of life looked normal: supportive friend groups, above-average grades, and several hobbies, even if motivation was low. I told myself this was just ordinary teenage laziness and angst.
I believe the core problem is trauma linked to my mother. She has had anger issues for as long as I can remember. When I was little she pushed hard for me to become intellectually successful, even though she herself was not. She gave me strong educational resources and a privileged intellectual environment. She was a stay-at-home wife who watched a lot of television and slept a great deal; her own mental health was probably not strong. When she was calm she was loving, cooking for me, encouraging me, sewing my clothes.
But the angry episodes were severe. One clear memory: she woke me at 3 a.m. on a school night, screaming and ordering me to wash the dishes. I was so frightened I wet myself. Whenever I showed any discomfort or negativity she would yell that her life was far worse and that I was infecting her with negativity, even if I had only sighed. If I cried she sometimes pulled kitchen knives and threatened to “end my misery”, but I was only about 10.
She always apologised afterwards. The apologies sounded sincere, yet I never fully accepted them. I still doubt she felt real guilt or could control what she said. When my father came home she stopped yelling and acted kind. If he ever saw her screaming at me he would defend me; afterwards she blamed me for making him treat her badly.
Over time I noticed a clear pattern: the moment I had to tidy my room or wash dishes I froze with fear and procrastinated. My room became a classic depression space with dried ramen soup, papers everywhere. I rarely had the energy to clean it; my mother would at least sweep the floor so it never became completely unliveable.
Today was the same situation. I had to sort the swept rubbish from my room into useful and useless piles. Standing in front of the room triggered an exact childhood flashback of being yelled at in that same spot. The same helplessness and despair returned. I began crying uncontrollably—something that had not happened for at least two years (or that I had simply forgotten; past memories now feel as if they belong to someone else).
I asked her, as calmly as I could, to leave me alone for a short time so I could recover. That request provoked her. She began yelling and swearing, calling me worthless, saying she could no longer live with me, and accusing me of spreading negativity every day even though I try hard to keep it from affecting anyone else. Then she ordered me to finish more chores I had left undone.
I know keeping the house clean is my responsibility and I should not leave everything to her. At the same time I am genuinely overloaded preparing for the entrance exams (though I still procrastinate and blame myself completely for that). The mess in my room is itself a product of the mental-health problems her behaviour helped create. My hands and vision started shaking. I could not stop crying or control my breathing; I kept panting and coughing.
Now she is ordering me, in the same demanding tone, to relax by watching videos and holding soft toys. The irony of being commanded to enjoy the very things that usually calm me only makes the distress worse. I am not quite sure if I could leave her as I am still a minor and she would be nice to me if she isn't angry so I honestly don't know anythinf anymore at this point
I would like to personally reach out for actual professional help as I have now realised how much this condition has been eating my brain alive since I was a child. I have grown to be dumb, and could not start any piece of schoolwork.
However, I do have a few worries:
My father earns minimum wage. I feel guilty about using any of his money on mental-health resources because of my own fragility.
I do not want to become more forgetful than I already am I also do not want to end up on medication for the rest of my life or become dependent on it. Being formally listed as a special-needs student, despite above-average grades, and having diagnostic records that others might question, is something I want to avoid.
Before the entrance exams I almost certainly will not have time for weekly sessions with a professional. I could start next year, but that means more sunk costs in tutoring fees and more disappointment in myself, plus I would lose the resources I could get this year, from school, since, my school does not allow last-year repeaters, so I wouldn't be able to enjoy the support I could get from school.
Do I actually get better, if i could acquire professional help? What if it would just be another way I feel better and then I drop into the deepest spiral again, whenever she would be provoked?
Is my brain completely ruined? Would I still regain the quick responses and memory I once had?
Sorry if this was too long and very complicated to read as I am currently in a really disturbed and uncertain state. Any advices or answers to my questions are deeply appreciated! Hopefully one day I would be seen outside of my misery and actually face the world as a better person.