u/Idristhedragon31

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my therapist changing the boundaries on being able to email him in an email. Went to my session yesterday where I channeled my inner anger at how it was done. Must have worked as he commented on how there seemed to be some anger there!

He had “invited” me to try not emailing which I took and still do take to be honest to be a command not to. He said if I had emailed he would have been curious about it but no more than that.

I talked about some other difficult things in yesterday’s session including something he did months ago which inadvertently triggered something else in me. Was really hard to do but when he heard he was moved by it. I did also say I would not have mentioned it in an email.

I can see how emailing especially about difficulties and hoping for a reply isn’t the best way to do things and the two times we’ve had ruptures it’s been after I’ve received an email reply from him. I’m not planning on emailing this week between sessions but am keeping notes on things that occur to me.

I did say in yesterday’s session that I felt the suggestion of not emailing in an email when I wouldn’t see him for 2 weeks was not great (this was probably in the controlled anger part!) and that it was something that could have been discussed in a session. He didn’t agree but didn’t disagree either. I’m pretty sure we’re OK again which is good.

Had what was a perfectly fine therapy session on Tuesday. My therapist will be away next week on holiday with his family so there will be two weeks until my next session. I had some thoughts about things we’d talked about and as I quite often do, sent an email about them.

He replied yesterday saying it would be a good idea to practise not emailing between sessions and that if I am doing it for all right reasons it shouldn’t be too bad but if it is very difficult that it’s something we’ll need to discuss next session.

I’m really not sure what he means by very difficult but I do at least know there’s no way I’m going to email before the next session and at the moment probably not at all again. I just feel sad and have been crying on and off. I need to stop this as my husband asked what the matter was and I just don’t want to go into it as I feel a bit pathetic about it. It’s not really the not emailing it’s the way he just announced it and I’ve ended up feeling so rubbish about myself and second guessing everything.

Part of me doesn’t want to go to my next session. But I’ve got a while to think about it. I know sometimes I find written words easier to communicate with but it seems that’s not ok anymore.

We had a rupture in March which turned out OK but now I just feel deflated.

It was You raise me up and these lines in particular.

When I am down, and, oh, my soul so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up
so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up
to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up
to more than I can be

We’ve been talking about the fact that therapy will end at some point and these words just felt so true.

We’ve got a concert on Saturday and will be singing this piece. I may need to listen to it a lot and hopefully exposure therapy will help me to not cry then…