u/Igaveurmomherpes

This is not some one trick that works for all, this is a general blueprint which can help you if you understand the nuances.

People often say things like “self improvement bro, hit the gym bro, become the best version of yourself bro” to every guy struggling to talk to women. To be fair, self improvement does help, but only to a certain extent. Going to the gym, dressing better, and looking clean will not suddenly make you good at conversations. What it really does is make you presentable enough to start one. Holding a conversation is a completely different skill.

The biggest struggle for most people is how to start a conversation. Honestly, it depends on the place, timing, person, mood, and opportunity. Sometimes opportunities appear naturally, sometimes you create them yourself.

In very public places, it is usually hard to keep a conversation going. Most people outside are busy or focused on something else and are not always interested in entertaining a random stranger.

But places like waiting areas, workshops, classes, events, or gatherings are different. Those places naturally encourage people to socialize. People are usually more open and relaxed there, so conversation starters work better. At the same time, remember that many people you meet may already be involved with someone, so do not start imagining your future together after one decent conversation.

Also, if your only reason to go outside is to “pick up” someone, things probably will not go the way you imagine unless you are naturally very social and confident. Most people are not.

Do not be stiff, dull, or overly serious to be around.

Then there are the people themselves. Not everyone will connect with you. Some people will like your vibe, some will not. That is normal. Even online, conversations can die out for no real reason. Sometimes the other person is not feeling it. Sometimes it is your mood, their mood, or simply bad timing. It just happens.

Now the question becomes, “Okay, I met someone, they seem receptive, now how do I keep the conversation going?”

The answer is honestly you.

Dating is a lot like pitching yourself in an interview. Most people simply do not know how to present themselves properly. Having hobbies is good, but your hobbies alone are not your personality. Many people also make the mistake of talking too deeply about their interests too quickly.

Instead, reveal things about yourself slowly, layer by layer. Give enough information to create curiosity, not a full documentary about your life in five minutes. Shared hobbies and interests are useful because they help build conversation, not because they are trivia answers.

A good conversation is about finding common ground. Ask questions, learn about the other person, and keep a natural back and forth. If you only talk about yourself, it becomes tiring. If you say nothing and act too passive, it also goes nowhere. Relax, laugh a little, and enjoy the interaction instead of treating it like an interview.

Also, take genuine interest in their interests. Do not pretend to care just to impress them.

At the same time, expose yourself to new things. Men and women often have different interests, but pop culture, music, movies, shows, and trending topics are great ways to connect with people. Funny enough, things like K dramas, K pop, anime, or popular TV shows can become easy conversation starters.

Then there is the charm factor. People enjoy mystery, storytelling, fun experiences, and emotional connection. Share interesting stories, show them pictures from your life, talk about funny experiences, and make them feel included in the moment. Take interest in their goals and dreams too. Give advice only when it feels natural.

Most importantly, have a life outside of scrolling reels all day. Read books, learn an instrument, draw, dance, travel, work on something creative, or develop a skill. Passion and enthusiasm are attractive because they make you feel alive as a person.

Then comes the push and pull part. A little teasing, playful disagreement, and light challenge can make conversations more exciting. Have passionate but respectful discussions. Use humor. Throw in the occasional suggestive joke if the vibe allows it. Just do not become the type of person whose only goal is “kali kittumo.”

A proper conversation is about creating intrigue. Share enough about yourself to make the other person curious. Challenge them a little, make them laugh, and listen properly so they feel heard.

It also helps to learn how to smoothly move from one topic to another. Conversations should flow naturally instead of becoming a robotic question and answer session. Think of it like driving. Sometimes you change gears, sometimes you change direction, and sometimes you break tension with humor.

Most importantly, learn to read signs. If someone is interested, they will respond properly, ask questions, and make the conversation easier for you. If the replies are dry, one worded, or the atmosphere feels awkward, chances are the vibe is simply not there.

And sometimes, even long and enjoyable conversations are not enough to build attraction. A person may enjoy talking to you and still not feel a romantic connection. That is not always your fault. Sometimes they are in a different phase of life or simply looking for something else.

Do not attach your self worth to how conversations go with people.

At the end of the day, all of this takes practice. And for that, you need to at least look approachable. Present yourself better, take care of yourself, improve your social skills, and keep putting yourself out there.

• When they are a little too smooth, like no awkwardness or disagreement. I know this sounds ridiculous but for some guys who are really "experienced", knowing how to respond to you and get you intrigued is almost as easy as taking a breath. So be apprehensive if someone is , lets say a little too smooth.
• the way they try to isolate you. They will slowly cut you off from other healthy support system and force you to be dependent on exclusively them. It would be friends, parents, other important people. In healthy relationship, people dont suggest cutting others unless they feel it is absolutely warranted. The second you feel like he is the only guy you can go to
• The conditioning. They will break you down bit by bit and then assure you that they dont mean it. They will pick on a sensitive subject, make you feel conscious about it then mock you and destroy your confidence and then assure you as you break but by bit, sinking their claws into you
• the classic cold-hot/push pull thing. Once they realize you are sort of in the bag, they will sort of pull away and then come back and return. They will do this over and over because they get a rise out of the feeling of power they get over you. it is also closer to that conditioning thing mentioned earlier
• the boiling frog thing. This is as the name suggests. They will pull all sorts of shit and test your boundaries, seeing what you tolerate and not. If you notice it, chances are they will gaslight you. this ensures that you can pull to a point where they feel comfortable enough to abuse you. For eg- itd start something like coercing you to sex, disrespecting the boundaries and slowly straight up verbal and physical abuse
• The ones who use sad stories. Now many people have genuine baggage and tragic backstories. Some however use it to connect with you. You have a troubled childhood, they would use it, cheating ex, theyd use it. it is to build that connection and get into your pants. People do connect over personal tragedies, but these people do use it a little too on the nose to make it obvious and you would realize it when they use it to defend their position or when they make an attempt to gaslight you
• Not giving you a lot of insight into their lives or clarity about the relationship situation. This is usually done because they dont want to be attached to you. They see you as a person who fulfills their emotional and sexual needs and nothing more.
• They brag about their sexual prowess or adventures, or bring up sex or spicier subject from the get go
• Also how they use BDSM a justification to control you and subject you to humiliating acts
• they have absolutely zero concern about your well being especiall when thry know you are sick or unwell. especially when they are more concerned about their incovenience than your well being
• their indifference or disapproval of your dreams and goals
• their double standards of using their religion/ traditionalismwhen it come to disapprove things you like but justifying things they like while blatantly ignoring things the rules not in their favour. For eg- they would disapprove of you wearing shorts but theyd like a picture of a girl in a bikini or how they talk about dating multiple women but prefer a virgin
• Any looking down on your self improvement and hobbies
• has issues with your pets
• is really inconsiderate of your bodily autonomy

This is a common theme that we see across many guys, and even some girls.

When you are a young guy, you hear and to some extent are conditioned by this idea: you have to be nice. The question is, what is nice?

Generally, the “nice” can be thought of in three broad categories.

The nice boyfriend material
The nice friend material
The “nice” guy they are uninterested in, or in many cases avoid

The nice boyfriend material can be any guy who they find attractive. He may have the qualities they look for in a partner, but often it is social ease, confidence, and presence that seal the deal. You can be tall, good-looking, or have a lot going for you, but if you struggle to carry yourself in social situations, any initial attraction can fade. This type of “nice” boyfriend material usually doesn’t struggle to keep a relationship going because he naturally meets what many people are looking for. In more internet terms, some might call this the “charming or high-value” guy that people tend to notice quickly.

The nice friend is similar in some ways. These are often genuinely kind, considerate people who are comfortable to be around, but for various reasons they don’t generate romantic attraction from many women. That doesn’t make them undateable. It just means they may not be a match for a wide range of people, but their presence is still valued, and over time they often do find someone who appreciates them.

The “nice” guy is different. His niceness is often conditional. He may be nice only when he expects something in return, and especially when interested in a woman. When things don’t go the way he expects, it can sometimes turn into resentment or bitterness. There is often a sense of entitlement, like “if I am nice, I should get something back.” When that expectation is not met, it can shift into blaming others, comparisons, or frustration directed outward. In reality, this behavior often comes across as performative, and people tend to sense that mismatch. Many who struggle in dating or end up feeling stuck in the “friend zone” can fall into this pattern, where intention and behavior are not aligned in a healthy way.

So how do you figure out where you stand? Ask yourself this. Do you do things for someone because you genuinely like them, or because you expect something in return? If things don’t go your way, do you respect the other person’s choice, or do you start speaking negatively about them? Do you feel like your niceness is a transaction that isn’t being rewarded, leading you to believe others owe you something?

Some people think being nice is the same as “simping.” It isn’t. Simping is sacrificing your self-respect for someone who does not value you. Being nice is simply treating another person like a human being. There is a clear difference between basic decency and losing yourself in pursuit of validation.

Then there are the pushover who think people walking over them is nice. You simply cannot let people have people walk over you and think you are a nice guy . It doesn't make you nice. They do it because they think you are weak of character. Nice people never let people walk all over them. They will call out on B.S.

Courting is different from simply being nice as well. Courting is an intentional attempt to show interest and compatibility, while still respecting yourself and the other person. If it doesn’t work out, you accept it and move on without letting it damage your self-worth.

I was a “nice” guy at one point, and to some extent I still am. So I understand what this is about. But to quote Paarthurnax: “What is better? To be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?”

Every day is a process of unlearning habits and patterns that don’t serve you well anymore. You can be a “nice” guy, or you can become a genuinely grounded, respectful person who also learns how to navigate attraction and relationships in a healthier way. That requires awareness and change, especially when it comes to automatic or performative “niceness.”

To end this: you are not rejected because you are nice. Chances are you are just “nice.”

It's a long read, so bear with me. If it helps you, I'm happy that it did.

I figured I could make some posts explaining certain scenarios that play out in everyone's life at some point. Before you start coming at me with "not all stuff," I am not talking about all of it. I am talking about the general situation or average situation that plays out. Also, many of you may not agree, and quite frankly, even God cannot make everyone happy, so who am I, eh?

Let's get to the basics. First things first. Men and women are obviously built differently, and we look for different things in our romantic partners. Most of us generally fall in love based on how a person makes us feel or based on how desirable they are. Men and women obviously are attracted to a person based on how they make us feel, but the "what" about it is the important factor. Men fall in love based on how vulnerable and soft a woman can make them feel. Most women naturally have that effect on men. The issue with most men is that what they are attracted to and what makes them fall in love are often at odds. The woman who is attractive may not be the woman who puts you at ease and makes you feel vulnerable enough to open up. Women, for the most part, base their feelings on how safe and secure a man makes them feel. They tend to like a man who makes them feel like they don't have to take charge anymore. It is basically elementary if you think about it. Femininity is nurturing, and most men want that. Masculinity is protective, and most women crave that.

Now let's come to the issue at hand. Why did your friend randomly ask you out? I am pretty sure many women have been baffled by it. One day he is your friend, and the next day he asks you out; things get weird, and he walks away, making you feel like you were an object.

There are mainly two aspects to it. One being the general pickiness of the women and the difficulty of dating in general. Think about it this way. Men are generally the initiators. Now the initiator situation is a nightmare because one has to be vulnerable to put oneself through a lot of rejections to get to a place of being accepted. When you are a teenager, you are in a weird social place because you want to ask someone out, and you really don't have a roadmap to it all; mostly you are blunt when you do it. Bam! People take it the wrong way, and suddenly you are shamed for expressing your romantic desire towards someone.

Now when you are an adult, the situation changes; there are many nuances because as an adult, sex is obviously involved. Since sex is involved, women are apprehensive of men for obvious reasons, and men, at least the kind who will do anything to get an action, will say all the sweet things to get access to sex from a woman. Now women, knowing this, will generally shut down men whom they think are up to no good. This becomes even harder when you are a stranger. So, approaching a woman is next to impossible without risking rejection, humiliation, or worse.

So many men, instead of being direct, sneak around and join your friend group and become your "friend" to get better access to you and shoot their shot from there. I mean it seems easier. Women are more open to friends than strangers or random acquaintances. So when they ask you out, it's not a surprise. They were waiting for you. Now some of them have good intentions; some won't. The ones with good intentions do this because their hands are quite frankly forced. They cannot come up to you and ask you out or get to know you. Even if you try to get to know them… you get immediately shafted into the friendzone, where you are someone who they come and talk to. Now women know exactly the difference between a male friend and a guy in the friendzone. They tend to keep the guy in the friendzone because his affections and his availability are useful. The only time women drop a guy in a friend zone is usually when he has no further use for them. Some women deliberately do it and act all surprised because it is easier to gaslight the guy and keep him around than cut him off for the most part. Many men faceplant into a friendzone in the attempt to know a girl by not becoming a stranger, and when they do take their shot, they are made to seem like the worst humans out there. So in most cases, these types cut you off after you reject them because there is simply no ROI.

Now the second part. This is even more complex because it actually involves genuine feelings. Now some people genuinely start off as friends. They genuinely enjoy a girl's company and connect in a genuine fashion. The problem happens when one day, she stops being one of the "guys." It can be due to her being seen in a different way, the smile, and the appearance. Heck, it has happened to most men in some cases where that girl best friend looked different, and you just know it hits different. Now you are in a weird headspace. Everything she does is attractive to you, but the thing is, you don't really feel lust or desire. It's pure affection in the form of, "God, she is special, and I'd do things for her. "This is a place many men sadly find themselves in because now they know she can never be your 'friend' anymore. The issue is now you have to sort it out because feelings like that can't be shut down.

So you sort of push it down, acting like it's going to be fine, but it really doesn't stop there. One day you muster up the courage to say it. Possibly in the worst sort of way. You say it, and in some lucky cases, she is into you, and everything is fine and dandy. If it goes the other way. Oh boy, that's a bitch. Now she sees a guy who took advantage of her. She makes it awkward. You cannot talk to her, and she tells you outright she is not into you. Now all those feelings start falling apart, and you are left with a mess in your hands. You cannot talk to her like you used to. You feel weird hanging around because things are awkward, and since being around her starts to remind you of those feelings you had and knowing there is nothing you can do to fix it, the only way out is to simply cut your losses. This is the reason many guy friends stop talking after the rejection. It's not that we don't care about you or only value your body. It's just that many of us care too much, and we know nothing can be done about it, and worst of all, the sadness seeps into other aspects of life. Your name, memories, and heck, even your mere presence affect us. So we walk away to avoid anything. Now some women do get the hint. But others, they insist we be friends, and when we don't want to, it's the same old responses of "All he wanted was my body." If he liked me for me, he would stay. He was never a friend. I cannot believe he cut me off like that, etc. Most guys never ever forget those kinds of rejections and take considerable time to bury those feelings, and even then, they pop up and they rise back up the second your presence is felt in some way. So you simply walk away, block, and pretend you don't exist.

It's a hard thing, and women usually come to the conclusion that male friendships are insincere in nature. It's not that male friendships are insincere. It's just that men adapt in ways to handle the situation. Also, Indian cultures really don't have a fine difference between 'acquaintance' and 'friend.' Everybody who isn't family or in a relationship tends to be dropped in the friend zone, and any courting attempts are shut down unless women want them, so it's hard to express those too. It's a weird place, but it's never going to get fixed because women will always be apprehensive of men who are going to cold approach them and will immediately put people in the friend/acquaintance zone if they get too used to their presence.

1. Contrary to what many people say or think, being promiscuous, while being single, is not exactly a bad thing. Most men and women despise promiscuity because of the antiquated sense of morality attached to it. People used to hate promiscuity because it could lead to pregnancy and other health related issues, which can avoided to a great extent via modern contraceptives and protection
2. Sex really doesnt have to be sacred or special. Just like anything in life, it only is special if we give it that status. it is at best a physical activity which you can have with anyone and anytime as long as both party consent. Most people feel dirty or unworthy after sex because they are conditioned to treat it as such by things around them.

3)You can have any sort of relationship with anyone as long as you are transparent about it and no relationship is bad in its own way. What is important is that everyone involved is absolutely certain what they are in it for.

4. Not everyone is fit for a marriage/family life. Some are never ready and never will be ready. Coercing someone to live that life is sort of stupid.

5. Age gaps are not a big deal as long as the people involving in it are consenting and capable adults. People sometimes prefer older partners due to the No BS and comfort they bring. People prefer younger partners because they are attractive and they do not carry crazy baggage .

6. Men and women are fundamentally different when it comes to what they look for in a partner and how they behave in a relationship. Understand that and treat the relationship and personal dynamic accordingly. She is not going to be your "bro" and he will never be your "girlie".

7. Talking about sexual preference after a while is important. Talking about that also doesnt make someone a pervert. Having a healthy sexual life, being familiar with your libido and the kind of libido you'd expect from someone is important. If and if someone talks about it, address it with maturity

8. Once you get into a serious relationship that's set for life, your partner comes first, even more than your parents ,siblings, bestie, friends etc. Sure that doesnt mean you have to listen and do what your partner says but never make it a you and me. it should be us vs whatever you are up against. If you are not mentally equipped to handle it, you are not ready for a relationship. PS this applies especially to people who get into relationships and back off because they dont want to "hurt their parents". You are wasting someone's time, resource, emotions and more by pulling that BS. if you want to be a good daughter/son, get into an AM.

9. Dont overshare with your friends or family unless it is absolutely necessary.

10. being attractive for your partner is as important as you expecting your partner to provide. People will age and things will happen but that doesnt mean you stop putting any care into appearance.

11. Your partner had a life before they met you and deserve to have a life after they met you. They will have friends, hobbies, passions, dreams, goals etc. Even if they may not align at times, at the best try to be supportive. Being in a relationship doesnt mean you kill their passions so they can prioritize you and you alone.

12. People will have a past, baggages, personal challenges and issues. It is important that you be upfront about it from the get go. Also have a pretty good idea what you are signing up for and once you sign up for it, dont resent them for who they are