u/IguessUgetdrunk

My wife has a rough time, two months post-partum. Exhaustion, hormones, healing body - she also has challenges with breast feeding and she struggles with anxiety. We also have a 4 years old. It is TOUGH, I know, it would be for anyone.

I'm doing my best: I'm present, I step up, I initiate, I'm doing household, I'm doing kids - there is nothing (apart from breastfeeding and shopping for clothes) that I won't do, by myself and reliably. I work mostly from home, with a flexible schedule which I'm already stretching to to its limits. She's on long term maternity leave. We are financially OK. We get some help from our parents. I'm not perfect but I don't think I have anything to be ashamed of, and in any case, I am in it neck deep, all day, every day.

The thing is, I feel that if I give her the slightest justification for it, she explodes over me with stress and blame. Sometimes I do make mistakes (but who doesn't), but nothing that would justify the response. Other times, I really think it is totally unjustified: I ask a question I was not supposed to ask, or she wanted to me to ask her something which I didn't - these kinds of things. The results is: all her stress, exhaustion, anxiety, thrown at me, unfiltered, loud, hurtful.

The problem is, this behavior is the single most emotionally draining factor for me of all the things that are going on. It doesn't happen every day but it fucking wrecks me when it does. I don't know to what extent is this normal, I may be more sensitive than average. I am emotionally drained and exhausted by this. I am supposed to be the pillar, the source emotional stability, for her, and for our older kid, but her dumping all her shit on me wears me down so fast. It's like the drowning person who you try to save and by clinging on to you they (unintentionally) drown you too. The fact that our children witness this, see these patterns of coping, wrecks me even more emotionally. I want them (and myself) to feel emotionally safe and learn healthy ways to cope with hard times.

When she's fine, she does acknowledge the issue but not the extent of it. She reached out to her doctor but they won't prescribe anti-anxiety meds because she's breastfeeding (she used to take some before pregnancy). I offered her a plethora of things: I can take our newborn for 3-4 hours at a time, she can go to have a massage, spa, have a coffee with a friend, or I can take the kid and she can stay at home alone - whatever (she won't have it). She doesn't want to do talk therapy, she's fed up with it. I don't think she's sharing much of her burden with her friends either (and she doesn't have a good relationship with her mom). I'm the only one around, and I'm the one to absorb it all - and I'm also tired on my own right.

I think, what exacerbates the problem is that I'm in general the calmer, more confident parent (I am not afraid of new situations, I know that eventually, whatever comes my/our way, I/we will take care of it. I know she's capable also, but she often doesn't believe in herself). So when I do make a mistake, or show any weakness, she rubs it in my face immediately and hard (to feel better about herself). But that's just a hunch...

Guys, this is me venting, I'm already feeling better, but I'm also thankful for any constructive advice.