Feeling guilty/shitty for trying to get a new job, while planning a psych ward stay
I am absolutely cooked lately, I fucked up my life once again and my mind has been dead set on taking my life. I could have easily applied to disability and get a surgery while I was leaving my last job, but I didn't. And now I'm at a point where my finances are burning, can hardly eat or even think straight, been having extreme stress in the past 2 months, live in a super negative environment, feel crazy etc.
I cannot imagine that anything else but a proper psych ward stay for like 2-3 months will actually help me get through this period, all I think about is death.
Problem is that I need to have at least some type of pay but I'm not currently working, if I don't have any pay, then my life would be fucked after the 2-3 months anyway.
I'm looking for low skill jobs, despite knowing I can do more but even that seems incredibly hard to do.
My plan is basically to work there for a bit while I figure out when I can stay in the psych ward (another almost impossible task for me). But I feel fucking guilty, despite applying for jobs that do not give a single shit about me and would replace me like I'm nothing, jobs with high turnaround, jobs where they are happy that people who apply even show up for the interviews. So basically getting a job, knowing I won't be working there for long, hopefully only a few days and hope that I can manage it.
Honestly fuck this disorder and fuck me for being so dumb and destroying my life once again, I know this is all my fault and my mind is still trying to trick me into not going through with this shitty plan and just end it.