Wedding Planning Question
Hi! A bit of a ramble in the beginning that turns into a couple of questions. My now fiancé and I have been dating for a couple of years, and had minimal interference from our parents. Mind you that my parents are in another Western country where I grew up before college (not Canada), and her parents are in the US where she grew up. I now live in the US (after college, which is where we met). When we introduced each other to our parents - there was still minimal interference - maybe some coaxing about getting married fast but thats it.
However, when we started to plan the engagement, both parents had a conversation about their preferences in location. Everyone (including me and my fiancé), came to the understanding that the engagement would be in the US this summer and the wedding would be in India towards the end of next year, where my family has roots and my parents are pretty much in touch despite living in the other Western country.
As we're planning the engagement, at first her dad told me and her that everything would be our choice. But it was clear that ultimately her dad had the final say on everything. My parents started getting a little annoyed about the fact that if her dad is ultimately deciding on things, why isn't he discussing things directly with my parents (or at least my dad) at all to include them in the planning. On top of that, initial decisions on headcount (not the tracking, but when choosing how many rooms for the hotels, etc), Pooja (we both are from different religions), and other seemingly important things haven't been discussed by parents and are just being communicated with me being the middleman. When her dad would ask me questions and I would say this is something you'll need my parents input on, his response would be "it's up to you kids not up to us!", even though he's always had an answer to most things himself. My parents have felt like they're chasing around her parents.
But overall - my parents kind of came to a conclusion that maybe her dad just wanted to take the lead on things. Me and my fiancé have been indifferent about most of these decisions overall - we do get a say in the minute details of the engagement and thats okay with us.
However, I've started asking my parents about wedding planning in India now that we have about a year and a half, and they have said there has been no conversation between both sides of the parents on budget, headcount, and the details that normally parents would discuss if they are funding the wedding, so they aren't exactly "letting" us proceed with even getting a wedding planner. Interestingly, her dad will randomly and in passing ask me "so did you two look at venues" and my answer has always been we will look once the parents talk about the higher level details; but he basically refuses to talk and doesn't get the hint. Ultimately it is my parents who have the reach and the connections for those venues in India (specific city) so it makes no sense for us to kick off looking at venues when we don't even know what the agreed upon budget will be, but my parents don't want to talk about it until both sides parents talk, because they're now worried they're always somehow excluded or her parents don't speak to my parents about anything unless my parents chase them around. I have no reason to believe my parents don't want to help, and I understand that they're a little confused why her dad keeps asking me directly and making me the middleman when for important convos about budget and headcount in a foreign country there needs to be some understanding between the parents. My fiancé also agrees with me but her hands seem to be tied.
Meanwhile, there was a small incident in between all this where her dad was rage baiting me about what other places to do the wedding in the US or Canada, after the fact that everyone, including my fiancé, agreed to do it in India, and I ended up getting controlled-mad (fiancé and I were on the phone with her parents). It felt like I was being gaslit by him and I kept telling him to speak to my parents because India was decided after all the families talked. The next day, as a replacement to an apology, he calls me saying "you are like a son to me and you and your fiancé should do what you want" - I knew there was some BS but I really just wanted to move on especially after my fiancé (who was very apologetic to me even though it wasn't her fault) insisted. This
Here are my questions and my concerns:
- I am not trying to take my parents side - both parents are somewhat in the wrong here, but what would you do in this situation? It genuinely feels like a chicken and egg situation.
- The other alternative is me and my fiancé just get ahead and not tell any of our parents about having had a wedding planner and looking at venues, but the problem with that is ultimately our parents (as they agreed very initially) will help with the budget, and we're not sure how that convo will go after the fact.
- On top of that, my parents are already annoyed that her dad communicated only to me and has refused by practice to communicate directly to my parents unless my parents really chase them around, so if both of us plan, I don't want my parents to have the wrong idea.
- Frankly this whole experience has felt like I'm going insane. I can't really talk to anyone about it or rant to anyone about it. I also feel like I'm the only one concerned about future events because the parents aren't talking and my fiancé isn't taking the leap for planning.
Thank you so much in advance for anyone that will respond!
edit: I have also tried addressing my concerns to my fiancé - but it hasn't helped. She has a good relationship with her parents but it's not something she brings up to them. Ultimately, the concern feels like even if she does, I'll probably get blamed for complaining or something, or gaslit again like I was in the "small incident".