r/ABCDesis

In the early 2000s I feel like the worst stereotypes we had were "cow lovers" and terrorist or other Islam-related stereotypes which were pushed onto us from appearing similar to Middle Easterners.

Even in middle school, I remember having some redneck white kid telling me to go eat curry; like that's genuinely the best roast they were able to think of.

I mean like it wasn't even until around 2008-2012 when scam calls started getting common and known about. If people heard an Indian accent prior to 2010, they didn't think "Oh, probably a scam call" yet.

Mostly, when people thought of India, they thought of Bollywood at that time. Which was silly, but not in a manner that caused us to receive hate, rather it was just goofy, like the bollywood overly-dramatic action scenes or singing randomly. We were known for singing and dancing, that's not bad.

But nowadays, it feels like racism is actually hate-based rather than ignorant of slight mockery.

Maybe because I was a kid I wasn't exposed to the real world at that point, like I'm 24 right now, but it feels insanely worse.

Even at that time, we were socially considered part of the model minority in that people saw us as people who never commit crimes and remain highly educated, which a lot of desis complained about, because it means we are held to a higher standard than others, but have you seen what they're saying about Indian immigrants in the west now? It's objectively worse since they're expecting perfect behavior while having preconceptions of us defaulting to littering and illegally working or entering the country.

One positive change though seems to be that people are less colorist. When I was growing up dark skin was seen as a negative trait, while now it's a neutral thing.

It's crazy to think that at one point, India had 32% of the world's GDP. Even 1700 years after that 32%, it only dropped to 24% of the world's GDP. No other country has been that much of the world's GDP at any other point than China. Imagine the perception of us at that time, and what could've happened if colonialism didn't destroy India after 1700. I wish I could experience it.

Hi all!
I’m a 26f Tamil woman dating a midwestern American caucasian man, and it’s my first serious, long term relationship.
To be honest, this has been the first relationship where I’ve felt safe, supported and loved.

However, I’m having trouble navigating an interracial relationship. There are several things that have been on my mind:

1. Dietary differences: I am vegetarian, he is not. We’ve been adjusting when we go out to eat, but cooking at home has been an issue. Whenever he cooks meat (bacon, chicken), it makes me queasy. I’m wondering if this is something that can work out successfully in the long run.

2. Language: I speak Tamil, with my friends, family, etc. I speak English with coworkers, friends, and my boyfriend. Naturally, i switch between Tamil and English.
   Being able to speak Tamil at this age is something I pride myself on, and I’m afraid that I’ll lose my Tamil skills if I am constantly speaking English to him. Granted, he is learning Tamil for my sake, but I’m afraid it’ll never get to conversational level.
   This concern also applies to when he comes and hangs out with my family—it’s hard to switch from Tamil to english to make sure he understands, or to constantly translate.

3. Culture: Since I grew up in the US, I’m quite familiar with American culture. However, I can sense he’s struggling to make sense of things in Indian culture.

For example, his entire extended family has met me, knows me as his girlfriend. I have not told my extended family because I want to avoid the questions about marriage.

Regarding families: He’s close with his family, but there’s a certain sense of detachment. His parents have that typical American mindset: you are an adult, you do what you want.” When we go to his house, we sleep in the same room. His family is totally ok with us moving in together before marriage.
My parents? The opposite. While they’ve met him, they are not completely convinced. They don’t let us sleep in the same room and are not allowing me to move in until we are married. This is causing conflict, because my boyfriend’s perspective is, “You are an adult, you can do what you want.”
How do I explain to him that it’s not the same?

I know that was a LOT, but I’d really love to hear how others are navigating their interracial relationships!

Thank you!

Idk if you guys have heard the new Drake album Iceman but there was an absolutely unbelievable beat on there by Maneesh Bidaye who is a producer from Toronto. He’s also produced other bangers like Maria I’m Drunk, Too Good and my personal favourite Heartbreak Anniversary by Giveon.

Say what you want about Drake but it’s always cool to see some Indian representation on a big album.

Why do some members of the Indian diaspora support Hindu nationalism from abroad? In other words, what motivates this attachment, what does it bring them emotionally or socially, and how does the ideology travel and take root outside of India?

Edit: Not a bot! I'm a PhD student researching transnational nationalism, trying to understand why Hindus in the diaspora maintain ties to Hindu nationalist ideology, how that ideology is transmitted across borders, and what emotions are attached to it. Sorry, I didn't know the posting standards here :)

Note: there's surprisingly little survey data on this specifically, which is part of why I'm researching it. The HSS (the overseas arm of the RSS) now has over 500 branches in 39 countries, which gives some sense of the organizational scale.

Explain that to me. lol

Grateful for anyone’s view on this or any similar experiences. I have been engaged for a month.

As context, our families operate differently. Mine like to do things quickly and plan ahead, his are very laissez faire and ‘lets see’ type of people. Examples are taking months to reply and finalise a date for our parents to initially meet. We spoke about getting engaged last year but for unknown reasons, it ended up being last month. My bf (33) always said he agreed and wanted us to move on and get engaged too but when it came down to it, he said he wasn’t ready. I’m 32, and keen/ready for us to be able to move on. We are looking at next spring for a wedding.

My dad has had a conversation with his dad to ask about wedding views. Me and my parents have done a rough guest list for our side. My dad has also offered to pay for it as a way to ensure we can just sort it out fairly quickly but they didn’t agree to this which is fine. By contrast, all I have got so far is the following:

• no guest list. I’ve chased this and just been told it will follow but they haven’t had a chance to discuss it yet. I just want a rough estimate as we cant see venues otherwise.
• auspicious dates must be considered. This is ok, we checked and found the dates. I was then told that they want to do their own check as there are other religious things that may factor in which I’m unaware of. These apparently block mid may to mid June, which is when I was looking for us.
• my bf has stated he needs to discuss with his older sister when she may want to get married as that will have an effect on dates. She is not engaged yet.

I am more than happy for her to also get married next year, but I cannot understand why we would plan the date around her possible wedding date. This is something I’ve communicated but I don’t know what the resolution is as he maintains it’s something he needs to discuss.

All in all, it’s left me feeling very dejected and as though there are just constant reasons as to why they don’t want to move things forward. My bf says that is not the case and he does want things but I’m starting to doubt it. Equally it hasn’t been very much time so I don’t know if I’m insane to expect or want someone to also be excited to look at venues and lock stuff in. I think the lack of encouragement from his family probably also has an effect on him. We are from different communities but apart from that I cannot see any reason why they wouldn’t want it to happen.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? What was the reasoning? Am I expecting too much here?

Think sukhdeep.

I go by a white sounding name at work and I feel guilty for not going by the name my parents gave me. I know other desis are judging me for it. But I’m not even the least bit whitewashed. I’m not ashamed of my culture. I am however insecure about my name after being made fun of my whole life.

Those of you in similar positions, do you go by a white name and let the desi people judge you for being whitewashed? Or do you go by your actual name and let the non desi people make fun of you?

...you see a family that's like 3 older daughters and one youngest son. I just think to myself like DAMN why weren't u happy with the first two kids.

Sad post but I just saw this :( Nikhil moved to Australia from Fiji and was diagnosed with leukaemia at just 17. He went through so much - chemo, heart surgery, chronic illness - but still was so brave and strong enough to finish university where he studied medicine

He was such an amazing inspiration to me and so many others. He was such a smart, innovative person and had so many ideas to make navigating health care so much easier for those living with illness and disabilities :(

My heart is a little broken today. RIP Nikhil who was such a brave, strong person, and an inspiration to so many ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like U.S.-bankrolled British movies and shows are kind of ignoring British Asians?

I feel like American views on diversity are starting to have more influence on British shows. I love the representation of Black people, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it would also be great if brown people were included more often in the main cast.

PS: i’m an Indian who was born abroad but was mostly raised in India.
Now Im living in the US.

With all the rising hate online, visa issues, and widespread discussions about fraud from Indians, or Indians only hiring Indians, I sometimes wonder if over 90% of white, black, East/Southeast Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, mixed, or really any non-Desi person comes across me and thinks, ”Is this guy going to scam me”, “Did he cheat his way to come here”, “Is he going to be creepy to me”, “Does this guy cook food with his feet“, and whatever other stereotypes and slurs I see online, but are polite not to express it openly. I sometimes feel like even the most outspoken millennial or Gen Z progressive could be perfectly happy to have Indians deported.

Does anyone else wonder about this? That a very large percentage of the general population views Desis with disdain?

Do you feel it is genuinely possible that this is the case in the US, Canada, UK, Australia, and really any country?

So tired of seeing the racism around us everywhere and most of our people doing absolutely nothing about it. No movements. No legal implications. No support. Indians are letting it blow up out of proportion. Plenty of Indians who literally join into the self hate cycle too.

if you saw my last post, you’d know i was struggling with gaining independence as a 22 year old indian woman with controlling parents. ever since that post, i’ve had really a tough conversation with my parents, and am ultimately living away from home in my university apartment for the entire summer since i renewed my lease. i feel that distance always tends to mend my parents’ and i’s relationship, so i’m hoping the distance helps this time.

i’m starting my research internship with a hospital on tuesday and i’m excited to start accomplishing things there! i’ve also applied to a bunch of part time jobs so i can earn more money and rely less on my parents. i felt really hopeless last night after i talked to them, but i’m slowly taking steps in (hopefully) the right direction this summer. i’m starting my senior year of college this fall, and i really want to prioritize gaining independence. hopefully this post motivates others to take the same steps if you’re in a similar situation to mine.

thank you to everyone that told me to do the hard thing. also, any other advice for how to slowly gain independence would be super appreciated!

I think it's logical to imagine that immigrants raise their children with strict values here because they feel the need to protect their culture in a western world. Additionally, immigrants who came here in the 80s and 90's tend to embody their culture of that time while the rest of the mainland socially evolves.

So i've heard the sentiment that mainlanders are surprisingly more open minded-- can anyone confirm or deny based on their experience? It's difficult for me to say because I basically don't know any mainlanders that are the same age as me and the majority of my friends are gay, including the desis, so I think it's an uncommon sample size

I'm specifically interested in this concerning men cuz sometimes talking to brown guys on hinge is impossible because of their values lol. But honestly i'm doubtful of this because I constantly comments on instagram from mainland indian men which echo the most disgusting backwards ideas

I’m 29 and, objectively, doing well in life. I’ve built a successful career, earn well, am financially independent, and am approaching a seven-figure net worth. I’m also told I’m attractive and carry myself well. But despite all of that, I’ve struggled with my sense of self-worth for most of the past decade, especially when it comes to dating and marriage within the Indian community.

Over the last year and a half, my parents have been encouraging me to meet people seriously. I’ve tried. But the experience has honestly left me confused, exhausted, and emotionally unsafe.

A recurring pattern I’ve noticed is that some men seem drawn to me initially, but then become uncomfortable once they realize I genuinely like them or take the process seriously. Others begin projecting expectations onto me that feel less like partnership and more like evaluating whether I can absorb the emotional and logistical burdens of an entire family system while still maintaining a demanding career and eventually raising children. Even mentioning something like I might want to take a few years off when I have kids and then get back to the workplace and would love family support for raising kids is taken as I am not going to provide them with the economic output they want or will become obsessed with only cooking food and cleaning and not have an active brain. (Yes, I know this sounds ridiculous but these are literal things guys have said. My mom stayed at home, she was there for us because my father traveled a lot for work, read books, helped us with school and tough situations, taught Hindi, and used to workout in her downtime. She was a perfectly adjusted person. And my dad used to help when he was home with cooking and other household tasks becasue she deserved a break too.)

I’ve had conversations where men told me Indian women are “too spoiled” and need more suffering to build character. Others insisted they needed to live with me before marriage to verify that I’m “actually” the kind of person I seem to be. I’m personally not comfortable living together before marriage, so I usually step away at that point.

Some interactions were simply bizarre. One guy asked whether I’d be more upset if a partner cheated on me with a man or a woman. Another repeatedly pushed partying and clubbing as a lifestyle expectation, even after I explained I had naturally grown out of that phase in my mid-20s. I’ve also been told I’m “too nice” or that I don’t flirt the way their exes did. But it’s hard to flirt naturally when conversations quickly turn into whether I’ll live with in-laws, hold families together during crises, sacrifice career growth, and absorb everyone else’s emotional needs.

The experience that affected me the most was a relationship last year that ultimately fell apart after a conflict between my family and my ex’s family. During a dinner I wasn’t even present for, my sister pushed back on comments his family made about women’s responsibilities in marriage, things like whether women “join or break families,” expectations around traditional roles, villages in India, covering your head, or following customs simply because in-laws expect them.

My sister essentially said: this is 2026, not 1970s India. Why are these expectations being framed this way?

Instead of reflecting on the conversation, his family became deeply offended. Eventually they encouraged him to end the relationship because they feared “interference” from my family. What hurt most wasn’t even their reaction, it was that my ex seemed unable to stand independently or create emotional safety amidst the conflict.

At the same time, my aunt was dying of cancer. I was quietly trying to hold myself together while he increasingly avoided difficult conversations because he didn’t know how to handle my sadness or stress. The situation became so emotionally overwhelming that I developed panic attacks and eventually an stress-related ulcer in my eye that took six months to heal. No relationship is worth destroying my physical and emotional health over, so I took a break and we both agreed to break up.

What makes this harder is that this wasn’t the first major hardship I’ve had to survive. In college, I experienced sexual assault, had to temporarily leave school, and struggled deeply afterward. With the support of my family, I eventually rebuilt my life, returned to school, and finished my engineering degree early. But as many Indian women know, sexual assault often carries stigma and blame within the community, and I internalized a lot of shame for years.

A few years later, when I was 23, my father developed an aggressive form of leukemia. I stayed home to help my family through it, donated stem cells to him, and mentally prepared myself for the possibility that he might not survive. Thankfully he did recover and is now fully in remission. Afterward, I continued rebuilding my own future and eventually attended a top MBA program without taking on debt.

I think what’s painful is that many people only see the external picture: career success, financial stability, accomplished family. They don’t see the resilience. They project assumptions onto me without understanding the experiences that shaped me and I feel shame when I do share them.

At this point, I’m not looking for someone to rescue me. I just want a kind, emotionally mature partner who sees me as a human being, not as a workhorse for his family, not as a collection of trauma, and not as someone whose worth depends on how much she can endure.

Writing all of this out, I can actually recognize that I’ve survived a lot and built a meaningful life despite it. But I’m also tired. The dating experiences I’ve had, especially within the ABCD arranged marriage ecosystem, have left me guarded, distrustful, and emotionally depleted. I feel like I can't entangle myself from the negative experiences I've had.

For other ABCDs who’ve navigated similar cultural pressures, trauma, caregiving responsibilities, or mismatches between modern partnership expectations and traditional family systems: how did you rebuild your sense of safety and self-worth while dating or while trying to find a partner?

35M. I didn’t think this would bother me, but it does. In most introductions both dating and arranged setups I’ve noticed that people are more curious about the facts that I earn better than average, what my family background is and a lot more status-based areas… than to me as a person. It creates this strange pressure where you don’t know if the interest is genuine or not. I’ve been exploring different routes but I’m not sure if there is anything that can fix this and make it a bit easier.