u/IiyamaGlower

Ok, so I see this sub getting hate because they allegedly don't do it on purpose, and it's hard for them (it always is).

I understand that getting mood swings is not a choice; having a traumatic childhood wasn't a choice either. Splitting is not really a choice.

Hell, even rewriting or comfabulating events of the past to fit a stabilizing and soothing narrative to protect their very fragile ego is probably not really a conscious choice. I could even put cheating in the grey zone and say it is some form of a desperate self-regulation attempt for some.

BUT!

Backstabbing is a choice!

Talking trash behind your back is a choice!

Never taking accountability is a choice!

Playing the victim with performace worthy of an Oscar, is also -> a choice!

So please spare me the tears!

You are the primarily assigned regulatory object.

It means that it is your job to become a vehicle for their stabilization and promotion-focused self-regulation. You are seen more like emotional infrastructure and less than an independent person of their own with wants and needs.

Let me quote Vaknin on it:

>"The promoton focus self-regulation results in sensitivity to positive outcomes and to relative pleasure from gains.

>Prevention-focused self-regulation is concerned with safety and security needs and is focused on meeting duties and obligations. It results in sensitivity to negative outcomes and to relative pain from losses.

>This is exactly the internal landscape of the borderline. She is prevention focused, has self-regulation. It is intended to prevent pain and other adverse consequences.

>This is exactly what happens with the borderline.

>Her propensity, her disposition towards preventative measures, avoiding pain, reducing stress, walking away from untoward adverse, not dangerous, but unpleasant circumstances.

>This attitudinal, motivational space of the borderline causes her to adopt strategies which relegate promotional self-regulation to an intimate partner or a loved one or a special friend.

>It's as if the borderline says, I am half a person. As I am, all alone, I'm half a person. I'm capable only of preventing, I'm capable of preventing loss and pain, but I'm incapable of making myself happy. I'm incapable of experiencing pleasure.

>And so I need you, my intimate partner, I need you, my special person, I need you, my loved one. I need you to bring pleasure and happiness into my life."

Hence the chameleon like molding in the beginning, the pwBPD basically creating a whole being, which, depending on the attractiveness of the "partner" may feel very infatuating to you. Soulmate feeling, etc.

Until… the energy runs out to keep the persona going, because wearing the mask requires constant nervous investment for them. So they retreat or push you away. If you follow up, it will cause defensiveness; if you ask whats wrong it will be confirmation that you are actually only interested in their performance and molded persona.

"But I only wanted to make her feel better." Yes, it's because you have an inner core as a baseline (and not a mask) you can return to. They have an empty or fragmented inner core, noise, and compartments. So to them it looks like you are actually asking: "When will you perform for me again".

And this is especially true for the Quiet or High Functioning Type in my observation.

So the next time you come late to work, remember: someone else could be assigned to your position. Don't take it personally.