Interesting solo moment at a bar (got approached by younger girl in a group)
I feel like I have to write this experience somewhere, if nothing else so I don't forget it, and maybe get some perspective and/or lessons from it.
Broad context first, I guess.
I'm at an eloquently adult enough age that theorrtically I voild be a grandfather by now, but a lot of folks at my age are parents. People seem to underestimate my age by at least a decade (not sure if genetics or some incidental lifestyle factor I can't pinpoint) - but I did a haircut this week that revealed some white hair by them temples area, so maybe that underestimation has its days numbered as my looks may start to catch up with my actual age. Hasn't done wonders for my recent mood, and I guess it'll take a while to emotionally digest.
For a huge chunk of my formative years I was in mostly male environments, including almost a decade in an all-boys class (do not let people do that to their kids, it's not worth it). I only got internet access when I got to college. So for a bunch of presumably important years in my upbringing, girls were functionally foreign - my world eventually grew a but more balanced as I gradually joined the "mixed world", which presumably may have delayed some life experiences and affected my mindset in ways I may not have entirely shaken off (classic dynamics between guys and girls happened elsewhere to other people; through cultural osmosis one sees so many of women's complaints about men that I should probably embrace some notion of being a gentleman to not be part of the problem (mostly internalized as a bunch of "don'ts" rather than "dos", for lack of much of a baseline for coexistence); etc...).
Eventually my world grew more balanced, got into a few relationships, even cohabitated with a couple of different girlfriends at different times for a total of almost a decade - I must have been doing _something_ right. For the most part these relationships were with young women close to my age I'd already known for quite some time beforehand to to shared i terests and friend circles. On some level the prospect of starting things any other way seems strange to me - without some substantial common context/interests, what do you even talk about, let alone build a relationship on?
I've long long been aware of concept like hookups and one-night stands, but they're functionally "somebody else's world", one I never learned to navigate or bothered to try - to how I've viewed things, it felt comparatively superficial and unhealthy, but perhaps my upbrining built a pedestal around the notion of intimacy, one to be carefully and gradually climbed to.
Nowadays there's a sense of "been there done that" about it, to some extent. There's stuff I miss, but not to the point of having much effort into it.
I broke off my last relationship, since it wasn't sustainable on a few levels, just as 2019 turned to 2020, so that dovetailed into Covid, whjch I proceeded to take more setiously than most people I know for about half a decade - I shifted from cohabitation with my ex girlfrient to living by myself while living abroad, so what would have been a good time to rebuild a social life wasn't, but that's something I've been working on the past couple of years - joining "mixed society" may not be much of a bar to clear for most people, but considering my background I cherish the balance I can experience, although I might second guess how I go about it.
It's like my life trained me to think of interacting with women as a big deal, while a more rational part of my psyche has to assert that it's not (supposed to be). And sometimes I wonder if that sstionsl side gets in the way of embracing situations that might actuslly be a big deal...
I love music, music gets to me. I don't know if there's such a thing as being musically hyperreactive, but it's very hard to stay still, and I enjoy a pure "music goes in, movement comes out" mindset. Some folks may go to music events to hookup or whatever, but when I go, I go for the music, that's what I focus on and expect little to nothing else.
Jeez, that's a lot of background - I guess that's faster when you're younger (so there are fewer events/factors) and your life feels like less of a social exception. On to the actual event.
So tonight, for lack of other plans or unwillingness to just stay home, I went to this bar nearby - I went there a few times in the past with friends, so I know they host live bands playing covers on weekends. So I figured I could do the patron-of-the-arts-by-buying-a-couple-of-beers thing while enjoying some music - it would feel weird to go to a bar by myself normally, but with this kind of motivation and a short walk away, the "why not?" of it kinda makes it alright.
And the music was indeed nice, but as is typical of the environment when it gets going, you can barely hear what people say. Maybe for some that's a plus, but it's not quite my mindset and I don't trust my ability to communicate like that.
Still, there was some nice brief moments, like when this lady who was with her friend this little toast with her glass and mine after a couple of exchanged glances and light smiles - nothing came to mind as a follow through because again, it was mosyly too loud to talk, but perhaps it's OK to just let a nice brief moment be just that?
A while later a more elaborate situation came up, from a group of younger girls and a few guys around the same age. A couple of the girls seem to be looking my way and smiling, and mentally I'm like "nice, but they're probably at least 20 years younger, let's just leave it at that" - I'm still processing my new white hairs (which maybe aren't that noticeable in the bar's lights), so it feels like a "huh, not that bad, I guess" kind of thing.
I keep on enjoying the live music, and at one point one of the girls approaches me from behind and gets enough of my attention that we make a little toast with our drinks.
I go back to enjoying the music, but still notice a few times her looking a few different times while talking to one of the other girls or guys. I've been kinda lightly dancing/cheering and singing along with the music, but perhaps a little bit more than most at the bar, so I chalk it up to that.
At one point the same girl grabs me by the hand and pulls me to the center of a circle of her group to dance. I'm surprised, not super comfortable with that level of attention, and my movement feels a bit constrained because my "free" arm is holding on to my jacket and drink, but I try to play along - we move along to the music, and because her hand is holding mine, the best that comes to mind is to lead the movement into her doing a little twirl a few times, and I do it myself a couple of times too. I feel it's getting a bit repetitive, and while it's a bit of fun, I feel I shouldn't persist with it much, mostly because of the age gap that might be clearer to me than it is for her and her group.
Maybe (heck probably) there are better ways to do it, but what comes to mind is to direct the dancing so that I'm behind her, and give a little kiss to the back of her neck, after which she lets go. I worry that that may have been a bit much and consider addressing that at a later time if actually talking becomes more viable, but it lets me go back to enjoying the live music nearby.
I notice some looks still directed my way after that as she talks to girls and guys in her group. I'm still processing what I ended up doing, so it makes perfect sense she also would with her friends who were there witnessing it.
At one point one of the guys in her group, whom she'd been talking to, comes over and does a little toast with our drinks, after which I go back to enjoying the music.
I suspect there may have some debate in that group on whether I'm gay - nope, although maybe my dancing might come as comparatively flamboyant to some. I may be slowly turning into an old man, but I'd rather stay clear of dirty old man tendencies, like engagibg too much with significabtly younger girls.
A bit later they pull me back into their group, so I guess the kiss to the back of the head thing wasn't tooo offputting, even if I still worry about it.
Another girl outright says that the girl I danced with an I look good together, which is flattering (and she was indeed cute, as were all the girls in that group), but that just prompt me to say that that's nice, but that I'm probably too old for her - they seemed to think I was about 30, which is flattering given the fresh memory of the new white hairs, but I was technicalky born in the 70s, while they didn't look older than their early 20s.
The "matchmaker friend" was kinda surprised, but still said a few times I should talk with her friend who I'd danced with - I was still a bit deer-in-headlights about the whole situation, and mostly tried to step away on friendly terms.
Even if everyone invomved was legally an adult, it still seemed wiser to not engage too much because of the considerable age gap, but Ivguess part of it was also a part of my psyche that shelves this sort of thing as "this doesn't happen" (even if it does) and has no follow-through for it.
I can't help but wonder how things might have played out if the age factor didn't apply (that much), and get the feeling I should mentally prepare for such a possibility in the future. Maybe I should actually go to that bar by myself more often when there's live music and I have no other plans?
The dynamics on the girl's group certainly seem interesting in retrospective: there were some potentially interested looks, there seemed to be some exchanging of opinions going on during said looks, the girl pulled me in to dance, everyone formed a circle around us as she did, later one of the guys in the group seemed to come and probe for ny general attitude and/or orientation, and at a later point another more vocal girl in the group was quite clear about trying to Make Things Happen between her friend and me (such a great friend, I wish them the best - my friend groups generally lacked someone with this matchmaker drive).
I wonder how likely dynamics like this are in groups a decade or two older, and how I may best adjust to that kind of situation when a factor like age won't make me try to disengage...