AITAH for cutting myself off from my mom on mother's day?
I (23 transman) haven't had a good relationship with my mother for years now. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say she lied to me about a lot of very significant things in my life, gaslit me for over a decade and did a lot of other mentally abusive things to me as a kid that I've been struggling because of to this day. She only calls during holidays and birthdays, doesn't invite me to family gatherings and generally made it clear that she's not willing to make effort to better our relationship and that it's my responsibility to do so.
So I've tried. Again and again, I would always have to be the one to reach out, always the one to make her feel comfortable and safe even if it's at my iwn expense. This year she invited me to a dinner at a restaurant with my stepdad, his daughter and my bio brother. So far so good, I was happy, got her a gift, dressed nicely and told myself it's gonna be quick and painless.
Boy, was I wrong.
Our fight started with a situation regarding my roommate and best friend. Her father wants to stop paying child support for her. In my country you're entitled to it up to your 26th bday if you're still in school and can't support yourself financially, which are both true for her. I'm not surprised she has this opinion since she kicked me out at 18 to my dad's house and hadn't helped me financially in the slightest throughout the years. One word led to another and I tried to shut the conversation down, but she wouldn't let it go.
At some point she called me my deadname again, as she never made effort to gender me correctly and I told her that she's the only one besides our grandparents that still calls me that. She replied saying that she'll start using my chosen name when I change it in my ID, which she knows I can't do at the moment due to being closeted at work and working with a few extremely transphobic and homophobic people. This was my last straw, I got up, told her she has no daughter nor son in me anymore and walked out. I called my dad instead and he picked me up, drove me to my boyfriend's house and had a very healing talk with me (he's amazing, no dad hate here please).
While I realise I may have acted impulsively, I don't think I'm really in the wrong here. It's not just about the name and pronouns, it's about the fact that she can't even do this small, tiny thing for me to make me feel good about myself and happy, expecting me to always make her comfortable while never bothering to do the same for me. It hurts, because to me, it shows how little she cares about me and how little I matter to her, if she can't even do the bare minimum.
To clarify, my mother always insisted that she accepts everyone, saying she's an ally and only reacting badly when it's ME she has to support. It happened when I told her I'm bisexual, it happened when I had a girlfriend (I was still in the closet about being trans then) and it happened when I came out as trans too. I don't see any point in me putting in effort to have a relationship with her anymore, if she can't put in even a miniscule amount of effort herself, I'm exhausted by having to treat a grown woman like an egg my whole life and I genuinely feel incapable of doing this anymore.
So, am I the asshole here? Should I apologise for making a scene? I already go to therapy and am working through my issues relating to her, but I don't feel like this is a me issue. I genuinely believe she will never change and trying to please her is a waste of my energy, causing me only additional stress on top of my already shitty living situation and C-PTSD symptoms. I'm willing to make ammendments if she's the one that reaches out, which I doubt will happen, but feel free to tell me your opinion, maybe I'm really the asshole afterall.
EDIT: Just to clarify, I've been out for over a year, have been on testosterone for 10 months, this is not a new thing to her, but she hadn't called me he or by my name a single time.