struggling to leave an abusive relationship
I went back to my ex after 3 months of not seeing her. This is a lesbian relationship, just for context. She had been emotionally and verbally abusive before, and when I went back, the second time seeing her, she hit me so hard- crossing the line into physical abuse. That’s always been a dealbreaker for me. When I tried to leave that night, she would block me from leaving, calmed me down and we even had sex after. I’ve seen her 3 times since then and my nervous system is completely disregulated. My anxiety is so bad. I know this relationship needs to end, but I feel weak and concede to her manipulations in order to not let things escalate again. I’ve been reading about the abuse cycle lately. Intellectually, I recognize the pattern, know it’s not good, and I want to leave. We haven’t been successful at repairing anything, and I don’t trust the abuse won’t happen again. She says it’s my fault bc I lied to her about a couple things while we were broken up. She minimizes it saying she “didn’t beat me up” and promises it won’t happen again, even though she used to promise she’d never hit me in th first place.
I saw her earlier this week and we had a decent time together. She’s knows i’m on the fence about leaving. I was going to break it off tomorrow but honestly, seeing her on Monday makes ending it tomorrow feel impossible. The attachment between us is so deep. I had even promised my best friend I wouldn’t see her again and broke that promise 😣
I’m at war with myself throughout all this. I care about this person deeply, but I know we aren’t good for each other. I don’t feel safe around her. Thankfully we don’t live together. Dragging it out is only leading her on and making it more likely for me to minimize what actually happened. I moved to a new state 2.5 years ago so I don’t have close friends here or a strong support system. I have a therapist, and one friend here knows what’s going on, but most close friends I’ve told live across the country. It would be so much easier to end it if I had close friends here. I’m mad at myself for not doing it sooner, and now feel guilty if I were to break it off tomorrow since we saw each other Monday.
Also for context, I’ve already had to call the police twice during this 8 month relationship. Once bc I thought she killed herself on the phone with me and the other time because she was threatening extortion.
I found this group today and just needed somewhere else to share whats going on.
I know I need to leave this. I want it to be over, but it feels so hard and I’m really struggling.
Thanks for reading.