[QCrit] The Empty Daycare, Adult Upmarket Speculative, 82K words, Attempt #2
Hello!
I posted my query here last week and got some really great feedback, so I've made some changes! I cut out some of the intro to bring the hook forward, and added a little more about Jane at the end. Please let me know if this works better or if I cut too much and should reincorporate some of my original query.
Thank you in advance!
[Query]
Dear ,
I hope this query letter finds you well. I’m writing to seek representation for my 83,000 word upmarket speculative novel,The Empty Daycare. The novel would appeal to fans of Toshikazu Kawaguchi’s Before the Coffee Gets Cold and Sanaka Hiiragi’s Lantern of Lost Memories, centering around themes of loss, redemption, and closure with a hopeful undertone.
Blake Jones is haunted by the memory of a childhood friend he failed.
Determined to work with children and make up for his failures, he applies to Anderson Daycare, and upon arrival, is told that the daycare is a “special” one. The owner, Heather, invites Blake to stay and as he watches the interactions between a visiting mother and her son, he realizes what makes the daycare special: All the children are ghosts and it's now up to him and Heather to help them move on.
The challenges change with each child as he and Heather gather the necessary information to find out who they were in life and convince their families to come visit. Some need a little more time, some need a reunion with a loved one, but above all, one child in particular stands out to Blake: a mute girl known only as Jane Doe.
In her, he sees all the signs he missed in his childhood friend: the self-isolation, the flinching, the constant vigilance, the reluctance to accept even the slightest help. As he helps the other children move on, he tries to include Jane in the activities. Whenever one of the other children asks him to read a book, he picks the spot beside Jane and includes her in the reading. Each day, he sits beside her until she chooses to leave, taking his cues from her as he endeavors to learn more about the silent little girl who watches the world from a corner of the playroom.
[Bio and sign-off]
I'll also repost the first 300 words, tho I've only made some small tweaks there so far!
[300 Words]
Chapter 1:
The sun-bleached “Now Hiring” sign sat crooked in the window of the small daycare. A light breeze ruffled the curtains, and the voices of rambunctious, cheerful children trickled out of the open window.
Blake swallowed and flipped through his prep cards for the dozenth time. The tie around his neck was too tight, the collar of his shirt too stiff. He tried in vain to pull the hem of his pant legs down to cover his grey socks, but the pants proved too short to obey. Even his reflection looked like a wreck. The patchy attempts at covering up his scarred sores only made them more prominent, and he scrubbed at his face with the back of his hand.
He waited for the hands on his watch to hit the top of the hour before knocking on the door, shoving the index cards in his back pocket.
The curtain to his right pulled back and two faces peered out at him. One belonged to an auburn-haired woman with brown eyes and well-defined smile lines that gave her face a warm, friendly appearance. The other face belonged to a bright-eyed girl with black pigtails and a missing front tooth.
The door opened, and the woman greeted him, “Hi, you must be Blake Jones. Heather Anderson, I’m the director.” She held out a hand to him, and he shook it, grimacing at how clammy his hand was compared to her warm, firm grip. As she pulled away, he gratefully noted that she didn’t wipe her hand on her apron. She made no face to indicate she had even noticed and instead opened the door wider. “Come on in, we’ll conduct the interview in this room, if you don’t mind.”
“O-of course,” he said, watching his step as he entered the cozy lobby.