Found out
So I've hit rock bottom & still find more ways sink further. I lied about being enrolled in college courses so I could job search in peace only to yet again be a complete waste of space & not fully commit to the task after the constant rejections. My mom will definitely take my phone again (valid, im terribly irresponsible, if im going to be a child she has the right to continue to treat as such i guess)
My (f24) usual day is spent being an unemployed femcel & stay at home daughter. My schedule consists of the hours long, dread filled procrastination with stress cooking & cleaning the house, serving everyone their individual meals when they come home (my parents, sibling, & relative all have differing preferences), cleaning again, & then doomscrolling. The entire itinerary is done with me being dissociated punctuated with horrible moments of self-awareness followed by desperate distraction to soothe myself (it takes me forever to do anything smh, my folks often get frustrated and take the lead)
I want to change but wanting & doing are two different things, I used to have friends & hobbies. I haven't had an honest conversation in forever & it's been years since I last drew anything. I hate going outside but it didn't used to be that way, & I know why. I just, someone said that whatever you are when you turn 25 is what you'll be for the rest of your life.
I don't want this for the rest of my life, but I've never wanted anything. My childhood & my first year of college being shit bear weight in that but for some many others it's a source of fuel that mine just isnt.
I used to want to be a tattoo artist but my portfolio is long outdated, lost, & probably discarded, I entertained the idea of joining a cruise ship crew just to the pros-vs.-cons to scare me off.
I've entertained the notation of just walking away, cleaning the house Real good one last time & walking out the front door with just the clothes on my back & whatever I have in my pockets.