I can’t stop thinking that she is my first and I’m not hers
I currently am in a three year long relationship that is also my first relationship I have ever been in. I am 18 and she is 20.
She has been in a prior relationship that was extremely abusive, but even with that I can’t shake the fact that she was all of my firsts and I was none of her firsts. I think about this more than I would like to admit and I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she tells me that it’s just how it is and she can’t change it. For some reason, this eats me alive and I’ve had multiple anxiety attacks over it. The person she was with before was truly nothing short of evil so I know it’s stupid for me to be jealous about this all.
I truly do love this girl with all of my heart, but I find myself wondering about experiencing more before tying myself into a long term relationship. I think to myself that if we were to get married, I would not have gotten to experience as many things as she has and that I may want that.
While she only had one relationship before me, she also had a few sexual encounters which I never did have. She doesn’t speak fondly of any of these things and she constantly reminds me that she wishes she could go back in time and undo them all so I could’ve been her first for everything. How do I get myself to stop thinking about her with that other person? And how do I know I don’t want to experience other people or other things? This has been eating me alive for the past few months. I would truly appreciate some advice.