I just realized, at 34, that I grew up as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system — and the 'victim' parent was actually the enabler
Hi, my name is Nicolas, I live in France.
I've lived inside this system my whole life, and I'm only just discovering it now, at 34. I always saw my father as manipulative and dishonest. Looking back, I now recognize the roles: I was the scapegoat, my sister was the invisible child, and my brother was the golden child.
It was a shock to realize this family structure has a name — it's a textbook narcissistic family system. My whole life, I thought I was standing for truth and authenticity, particularly against my father.
As a kid, I was socially confident. I liked being around people, I was a natural leader, and I loved that role. But something shifted slowly during my childhood and adolescence. In secondary school, I became shyer, little by little. I started isolating myself in front of the computer, and I began staying home when my family went on holiday — parents, brother, the whole system. I didn't want to join them. Now I understand why. My identity was quietly eroding during this period. I withdrew from friends, from people in general, and retreated into my computer.
My mother used parentification throughout my teenage years and into early adulthood, constantly complaining to me about my father. I told her more than once that she should leave him. She always said she couldn't — that he'd be too dangerous.
I spent years believing I was somehow responsible for the situation, and I kept trying to "fix" myself — through my teens, and into adulthood, right up until now. This dynamic quietly destroyed my sense of identity. Even at 30, I remember calling my mother, telling her I felt lost, that I didn't know who I was. Connecting with people, forming real bonds — it's always been a struggle, and it's made my life harder and more isolating than it needed to be. Every time I moved somewhere new, I'd eventually spiral into depression and end up moving back into my family home. I'm 34 now, and I moved back in eight months ago. I'm planning to move to Bulgaria in three weeks. I didn't want to just move to another city in France — I want to leave the country entirely.
For most of my life, I saw my mother as the victim of my narcissistic father.
These past few weeks, I told her everything I'd come to understand about this toxic system. At first, she seemed to take it well — agreeing that I'd been right about my father all along.
I've always kept my distance from my father — I've known he was toxic for as long as I can remember. But these last few weeks, I started pulling away from him more deliberately than ever.
Then my mother started telling me I should make more of an effort with him. She used guilt — saying we might not see each other much once I move to Bulgaria, among other things. That's when I saw her true role: the enabler.
I distanced myself from her too, and she completely ghosted me — even after sending messages saying she wanted to understand more about what I'd realized. So I ghosted her back. We still live in the same house.
Here's the insight I want to leave you with: in a toxic family, nothing is harder to untangle than a narcissist and an enabler who plays the victim. As the scapegoat, your instinct is to protect the enabler — you get pulled into the Karpman drama triangle without even realizing it's happening.
In reality, the enabler is what keeps you trapped in the system, while the narcissist is the one actively hurting you. It's a brutal combination.
I'm moving to Bulgaria in 20 days, and honestly, I'm relieved to finally understand the system I grew up in. I'm going to try to rebuild my life — and my identity — far from my family.
Has anyone else been through something like this?