u/Ill_Play2762

I keep seeing posts from Er nurses saying vodka death is the worst and that liver/kidney failure is happening more often to people in their 30’s. I’m 27 and basically been a daily drinker since I was 18. I quit a few times in between but I have just been off the handle recently and cannot stop now matter what I tell myself.

I never really felt physically dependent on alcohol but recently I think I’ve been drinking more than usual so who knows if I’m at risk or not. I don’t know why I keep running back to the bottle when I know it’s legit going to kill me if I don’t stop.

I’m ending the bender today and just gonna try to stay sober for at least today. It was supposed to be yesterday but I couldn’t control myself as usual. My strategy for today is simple; dont leave the house.

Today, I planned a nice day trip with my boyfriend. We had a bump a long the way because I was feeling insecure about my appearance but got thru it and had a great day. First good day in a long time. It’s my third day ACTUALLY trying to be done with alcohol forever.

We ended up getting dinner at a restaurant with a bar, my brain was screaming for a drink. Everyone around me enjoying their’s. Got thru that too. Got ice cream.

Now I am home. My heart rate is 95bpm despite sitting down. I feel an ache inside of me that just cannot relax. I played mahjong, smoked some thc, drank water…. My brain is screaming for alcohol to shut it up. I don’t know man it’s like these little moments feel impossible to get thru.

I will get thru it because the option to get alcohol is unavailable but theres a tiny wine bottle in my fridge. That isnt my drink of choice so I’m not gonna go for it bc I know ultimately I’ll feel terrible…. But man a swing of the old vodka bottle would be so warm and cozy.

I was actually doing well at first yesterday but when we got to the place they had a big bar and cocktail menu so I ordered one and spiraled from there. I cant even stop drinking just for the sole purpose of losing weight. Now I can’t stop thinking about getting more today. I guess I’m not ready to be sober idk. I hate it

Day 4. Sad right? I can never make it past the 4th day. Idk why but I just wake up craving alcohol rampantly. Today I am supposed to take my cousin out for his birthday. Absolutely no one that’s coming is even a drinker, but I am so used to pre gaming and bringing my own stuff.

I’m battling with myself right now not to pick up alcohol before I head out. I dont want to be an alcoholic anymore but my brain keeps screaming, “you know you want a drink”! And yes I do. I love alcohol but I hate it. I just cannot stop thinking about it….

Edit : also worth mentioning that last night after my bartending shift I tried to make the liquor store but I didn’t get there in time. So basically I was craving and forced not to give in lol

26F. I need someone to help me like give real life advice. How do you stop yourself from walking down the street to the store you’ve always gone to?? How do you stop yourself from stopping at the store across the street from your job? NOT MEDICATION. I cant fucking afford it and I am so sick of every post I make everyone saying “naltrexone!!!! TSM!!!!” No I fucking cant i dont have that option bro. I cant go to rehab. I am a poor person that isn’t recognized as poor in the USA and I am not entitled to healthcare so please dont comment saying I need medicine. I know I do. I need various medications for many different things. I cant get it.

So anyway I cant stop myself from buying vodka no matter what happens. I play the tape forward, I know I cant sleep, I know I gained 25 pounds, I know my skin is breaking out and I have moonface. I know I wake up feeling like death and regret. I know I wont workout or eat clean at all after drinking. Yet I still cannot stop doing it. Its just there. Yeah I’m depressed but who isnt. I’ve gone thru shit but who hasnt. I feel like that shouldn’t matter, I should be able to stop legitimately killing myself and making myself sick. AND UGLY!!!! How ugly and fat I’ve gotten is sickening. I cant fit it any of my clothes or look at myself in the mirror. None of that stops me from doing it all over again.

I’m very sad. I just want to be sober, drink teas, read books, play games, etc. But instead I’m a fat loser drunk just drinking morning to night. Before work and everything. I even steal liquor from my job on camera as a bartender bc I have no self control.

If you read all this I really appreciate you for that. Lord help me

Last year, I was doing really well with sobriety. I had 3 months by October, I was in the best shape
of my life and just feeling good overall. Then I lost my job and basically I have just been drinking ever since. It got really bad tho in May, specifically “cinco de mayo” I got absolutely black out hammered and have literally been drinking everyday since then. Sometimes around the clock, sometimes only at night.

I’ve had 1 or 2 days between drinks but it’s really rare. Last week I finally had enough and made it 3 days sober, but on the 4th day I went to the liquor store as soon as I woke up and was drinking all day and then I did again yesterday.

I should mention also, I tried getting jobs in retail and grocery stores just doing literally anything, but I couldn’t land a job until I just got hired bartending again. I seem to only be able to get restaurant jobs and they are mentally draining and keep me drinking. I mean it’s just an excuse for my alcoholism probably but idk. I really hate the feeling alcohol brings but there’s a voice in my head constantly screaming at me to drink. I am now at my highest weight and the ugliest I’ve ever been all because of alcohol.

I broke my bender of 5 whole months and its my 4th day sober. I have vodka in my freezer, its 2 am, I just got home from a 12 hour shift. Its like the temptation is there from my brain but my body is begging me not to.

I have been drinking non stop daily since March. I havent been sober at all since October. I feel like shit, I’m up 15 pounds, I sleep 3 hours a night max, completely fell off my exercise routine and even the dog is getting shorter walks because I’m usually drunk or hungover. I’m not getting medication because I don’t have insurance or even a doctor so please no comments about TSM and that kinda stuff. I just need emotional support.

I get really intense alcohol cravings. I know about “halt” and 9/10 I am feeling one of those things (hungry angry lonely or tired) when I give in to the urge but I don’t have a friend to call, I have disordered eating, and my boyfriend works all day. I have been using alcohol to escape the food noise, the thoughts about my soul sucking job, thinking about how I’ll never have a vacation any time soon… All of it is too much and alcohol has been there for me. I’m disgusting that I let myself get this bad AGAIN after I tried so hard to get sober last year and succeeded. I genuinely have no idea how I did it.

There is 5 liquor dispensers within 3 miles of my house. They are all over the place and it triggers me every time I see one. I get triggered by literally everything. Family party? Shots. Nail appointment? Shots. Early restaurant shift? You guessed it. I am so over this life.