u/Ill_Play2762

Last year, I was doing really well with sobriety. I had 3 months by October, I was in the best shape
of my life and just feeling good overall. Then I lost my job and basically I have just been drinking ever since. It got really bad tho in May, specifically “cinco de mayo” I got absolutely black out hammered and have literally been drinking everyday since then. Sometimes around the clock, sometimes only at night.

I’ve had 1 or 2 days between drinks but it’s really rare. Last week I finally had enough and made it 3 days sober, but on the 4th day I went to the liquor store as soon as I woke up and was drinking all day and then I did again yesterday.

I should mention also, I tried getting jobs in retail and grocery stores just doing literally anything, but I couldn’t land a job until I just got hired bartending again. I seem to only be able to get restaurant jobs and they are mentally draining and keep me drinking. I mean it’s just an excuse for my alcoholism probably but idk. I really hate the feeling alcohol brings but there’s a voice in my head constantly screaming at me to drink. I am now at my highest weight and the ugliest I’ve ever been all because of alcohol.

I broke my bender of 5 whole months and its my 4th day sober. I have vodka in my freezer, its 2 am, I just got home from a 12 hour shift. Its like the temptation is there from my brain but my body is begging me not to.

I have been drinking non stop daily since March. I havent been sober at all since October. I feel like shit, I’m up 15 pounds, I sleep 3 hours a night max, completely fell off my exercise routine and even the dog is getting shorter walks because I’m usually drunk or hungover. I’m not getting medication because I don’t have insurance or even a doctor so please no comments about TSM and that kinda stuff. I just need emotional support.

I get really intense alcohol cravings. I know about “halt” and 9/10 I am feeling one of those things (hungry angry lonely or tired) when I give in to the urge but I don’t have a friend to call, I have disordered eating, and my boyfriend works all day. I have been using alcohol to escape the food noise, the thoughts about my soul sucking job, thinking about how I’ll never have a vacation any time soon… All of it is too much and alcohol has been there for me. I’m disgusting that I let myself get this bad AGAIN after I tried so hard to get sober last year and succeeded. I genuinely have no idea how I did it.

There is 5 liquor dispensers within 3 miles of my house. They are all over the place and it triggers me every time I see one. I get triggered by literally everything. Family party? Shots. Nail appointment? Shots. Early restaurant shift? You guessed it. I am so over this life.