u/Ill_Pumpkin9274

I know this is going to be a lot, but please bear with me. I am not part of any EO church right now, and I do not know any EO priests. I know many people are going to say that I need to talk to a priest or that I am overthinking all of this when I am not even part of the Church yet. I understand that, and I would eventually love to talk to someone, but right now I am really just looking for guidance, opinions, and answers from people who may have been in a similar situation.
I am a 20-year-old woman, and my boyfriend is a 20-year-old man. We both come from Protestant backgrounds and have been together for about 2.5 years. We have always dated with the intention of marriage.
Before I met my boyfriend, I prayed to God not to let anyone into my life unless they were meant to be there. Throughout our relationship, especially during the beginning of our courting, I prayed every day for guidance and often prayed that God would remove him from my life if he was not someone God wanted me to be with.
About a year ago, my boyfriend began telling me that he felt spiritually lost and was searching for a church that he felt God was leading him toward. I have been praying for him throughout that process.
Last May, I visited him at school since we attend college in different places and are currently long distance. During that visit, he told me that he believed Eastern Orthodoxy was the Church he felt pulled toward. This may not sound like a huge deal, but I was completely blindsided because I had not really been included in this process before that point. I was upset and felt left out, although I have explained that to him since then and he has told me he will include me more because this is such an important part of both of our lives.
That same weekend, I attended a Russian Orthodox Divine Liturgy with him. I honestly felt very alienated, but of course it was completely different from anything I had experienced before. I still cannot tell whether I actually did not like it or whether I was just uncomfortable because it was so unfamiliar.
Since then, I have done research, but it has been difficult because we have been long distance all summer and have not been able to really sit down and talk through everything in person. I know it has only been a few months, but I feel like I need more time to wrap my head around some things, while he seems to be having a much easier time with them.
I am starting to understand the role of the saints, but I still struggle with asking saints for intercession. Salvation in the Orthodox Church also seems different from what I have always known, and Holy Tradition and its relationship with Scripture is something I am having a hard time understanding. I think my boyfriend is really drawn to the history, the saints, and the fruits of the Church, and I can absolutely see why. I think I have a harder time with some of the traditions and practices because they feel so different from what I have known.
I have also started thinking about what this would mean for our future marriage. We have always intended to marry, and we are both saving intimacy for marriage. Because of that, I have looked into some aspects of Orthodox married life, but I feel like I am getting overwhelmed.
Is it true that married couples are expected to abstain from intimacy during fasting periods? If so, is that every fast or are there specific fasts? How is this actually practiced within marriage?
I am also worried about family planning. My boyfriend and I will have been together for about five years by the time we get married. We are also not planning to live together or travel together until marriage, so I personally feel like I would want time to build the foundation of our married life before introducing children.
That does not mean I think children are bad or that I do not want them. I absolutely believe children are a blessing, and I would love to have them in the future. I just also recognize that they are a huge responsibility and commitment. I want to work after I graduate, and I am currently in nursing school because I feel called to help people heal. Eventually, I would love to further my education so I can help people even more.
I also struggle with body image and have always been concerned about the physical toll pregnancy could take. I know I cannot predict what pregnancy would be like for me, and I already have medical concerns that make me nervous about it. Again, I am not saying I never want children. I just want to be thoughtful about when I have them and how many children we are prepared to care for.
Are Orthodox couples allowed to intentionally try to space or limit the number of children they have? I have seen people say this is something that must be discussed with a priest, which is another thing I struggle to understand. Why is a priest so involved in decisions that I have always believed were between a husband, wife, and God?
When I attended that Divine Liturgy, I actually cried. Maybe it was hormones, but I also think it was because I truly believe God put my boyfriend in my life, and I believe that he may genuinely feel called toward Orthodoxy. At the same time, I do not know if I currently believe that Orthodoxy is for me, and I know what that could mean for us.
This whole subject has always made my heart feel heavy, and I have prayed a lot for discernment. When we first had a serious conversation about this, my boyfriend made me feel like we would figure it out together and that God would lead us toward what was right for us.
The last time we talked, though, he seemed much more certain. He was talking about getting more involved in the Orthodox community, which scares me. Not because I think the community is a bad thing, but because he is far away from me and I feel like I have no real way to be part of it or even know what is happening. It makes me feel like we are no longer walking toward something together.
He told me he would love for us to both be Orthodox before we got married. Part of me wants to agree that it would be best for us to be united in our faith before marriage, but I also do not want to rush into something this important just to make our relationship easier. By the time I graduate, I would potentially need to start catechumen classes, but I feel like I have not even had enough time to truly experience Orthodoxy and figure out what I believe.
I also worry about what this would mean for our wedding. I have always pictured a traditional Western Christian wedding, and I honestly have no idea what an Orthodox wedding ceremony even looks like. I know that may sound superficial compared to the larger theological issues, but marriage is something I have always thought deeply about.
I also have a difficult time with how involved a priest seems to be in marriage and family life. I have always believed that my marriage would be between my husband and me under God. I understand the idea of receiving pastoral guidance, but I struggle with understanding where guidance ends and spiritual authority begins.
I do not know if I am explaining all of this well. I am not trying to attack the Orthodox Church, and I am not asking anyone to tell me to leave my boyfriend. I love him, and I genuinely believe that God has brought us into each other’s lives. I also do not want to pretend that I believe something just because he does. If I ever become Orthodox, I want it to be because I truly believe it is true and because I believe God is leading me there, not because I am afraid of losing my relationship.
I am just scared of the possibility that God may be leading him somewhere that I am not currently sure I am being led. I want us to figure this out together, but I also know that I cannot force him to stay Protestant and he cannot force me to become Orthodox.
I guess I am looking for guidance from people who have been in similar situations, especially converts or people who came into Orthodoxy from a Protestant background. How did you handle being in a relationship when one person was more certain about Orthodoxy than the other? What does Orthodox married life actually look like in regard to fasting, intimacy, family planning, and the role of a priest? And how do I discern whether I am genuinely being called toward Orthodoxy or whether I am only considering it because the person I love is?
Please be kind. I know this is long and I know I probably sound like I am overthinking everything. I just feel like faith, marriage, and having children are some of the biggest decisions of my life, and I do not want to make any of them without truly understanding what I am saying yes to.
Also, is there anything that you would recommend that could help me learn more about the Church and discern this for myself? Since I do not currently have a priest or an Orthodox community nearby that I am connected with, I am not sure where to start beyond researching on my own. Are there books, podcasts, videos, online resources, or even specific questions you think I should focus on? I do not want to learn about Orthodoxy only through arguments online or through my boyfriend’s perspective. I want to genuinely understand the Church for myself and figure out what I actually believe.