I cant stop pouring hand sanitizer into my cuts, it hurts so bad it makes me crunch up and sweat but i cant stop. Especially on deep styros and cat scratches. Its probably gonna make my scars worse, excellent bonus. And at least its antibacterial I guess so im preventing infection probably.
I dont know what to do, I cant let my family or tjose around me know about my self harm, so there's some places I just cant cut because its too noticeable. But many of tjose places are where i want to the most, like my forearms, upper arms, thighs. I dont get enough satisfaction from the other places i do because I know its jot the places I want and I feel like it's making me hurt myself more and worse and making me feel frustrated. I dont know what to do, especially because now its getting to be summer. Im already super stressed about anyone finding my upper arm scars from before (which are hypotrophic so i cant cover them well with makeup) so im basically banned from tank tops or swimsuits. I dont know what to do to get rid of the feeling of dissatisfaction, and I dont know how im gonna avoid anyone seeing anything for another year and a half till I move out.
And honwsltu im.annoywd at myself for setting up myself for discovery like this, before I started to sh I normally never wore long sleeves becayse i dont like how they feel (so i cant hide forearms), I walk around the house without pants on (so I cant hide thighs) and the places ive been doing for the last year were places that are normally covered (ive always worn lots of bracelets, and i onlt wear long socks that cover my ankles) and it wouod be super weird if I suddenly dressed differently, or at least I give my family the credit that they would notice a change in behavior. Im also scared my mom would want me to try on dresses or somejting, and that id have no way to cover my upper arm scars.
Recently, ive just been cat scratching because I dont have more space for permanent marks, but thag also makes me feel terrible because I need to see the scars in order to feel satisfied too.
Does anyone have any advice? Sorry if this doesn't make sense im having a panic moment
I dont know what to do. I harm myself to calm myself down, and to see a physical manifestation of my internal suffering. To me, seeing the mark on my body proves to me that it wasn't all just in my head and fake. I dont want them to go away because thay would be as if it never happened, and for me, thats not what I want. I totally understand how people would want to leave their sh in the past, but for me it brings me a lot of stress to think that they're just gonna vanish one day and it was all for nothing. I generally cut to the dermis, I have no desire to cut deeper, but I just want the scars to stay. I find myself cutting more the more the old ones fade because I feel like i need to replace them. What do I do? How do I make them stay without making them super deep? Is this a stupid way to think?