Ugh
Posted here back in January, that my AP and (me 40F, him 48M), got caught by his spouse after only 5 months. My partner also ended up finding out because my APs spouse told him. They know things were emotional but not sexual. It was, like everyone else says, devastating. I know I know. But it really messed me up, lost 20 pounds, was depressed for months. Now, the AP and I still talked, but not romantically, and it didn’t feel the same. It was cordial, because I do genuinely care about him outside of sex but…it just didn’t feel the same.
Eventually, he decided to “work on things with his wife”, and asked that we keep our conversations PG…I honored that. Moved on. Felt little to nothing towards him anymore. Things with my own partner are good and have been for quite some time since everything happened.
Then…the AP comes back around…missing me, saying all the right things, even more so, laying it on thick. Telling me things he’s never told me or anyone and saying he’s considering leaving his wife so we can be together. Yeah, this used to come up often but it was me that would say that I’d leave etc…not him. Now, he was saying he wants to leave her, take me with him, start a new life and I was caught off guard. I mean, we all go through this (maybe) at some point in our AR, but he’d never been THIS explicit. Like I said, it caught me off guard. Once I started asking questions, he became defensive and started to passively insult me. Told me I’m weak. That my spouse was a b*tch that can’t satisfy me sexually, then said he’s done, that he’s not blowing up his whole life for this. It switched so quickly. And hey, maybe he was actually frustrated because I didn’t immediately jump on board with wanting to leave my spouse. But once things blew up in January AND him telling me to keep things PG…the spell I was under was broken. Sure I liked the attention, it felt good to be wanted again by him, but I’d never been able to feel fully on board again. I worried about him getting caught again, and it just made me a little wary.
In the past, I remember being so ready to leave my spouse and move on but he wasn’t AS on board as I was. So, we just kept saying the “what ifs and I wishes” like I’m sure most of these relationships go. But, today’s conversation was hurtful. He said he loved me but that he’d talked himself out of it, out of wanting to leave his wife etc, that he couldn’t believe how easily I’d given up. I’m sure he’s feeling all the things at the moment but man I am so caught off guard because it went from 0-100 in a span of a 6 hour conversation. From, “Hi I love you, I miss you, blah blah blah,” to “you’re weak, your husband is a bitch, bye!” I think he also blocked me on the app we use, but I can’t be for certain until later as he usually deletes the app when his wife gets home.
It’s like…yeah I dodged a bullet. I was hurt in a way that I can’t quite figure out yet. I’m not as hurt as the first time, but I’m just confused where this came from? I know this is alllll wrong, it’s never right, just confused. My understanding is that he was ready and I wasn’t and he overreacted. I’m just glad I am not as hurt as I thought I’d be, I’m more confused and in disbelief. He said at his age (48), that he doesn’t have a lot of time, and that he needs me to get on board and make a decision. I’m sorry but as much as I’d wanted this 6 months ago…I don’t anymore.
This was my first AP relationship. I’d never stepped out of any relationship in my life. I don’t need to go into all the details and prior drama. Just wanted to share and vent because I see these stories in here daily and I can relate. Also, please, I am not looking for another AP, online or otherwise so please refrain from messaging me. I’m just trying to relate to people and share my experience. Feel free to judge me here all you want though, I know it’s all terrible and bad. But this is an adultery sub and we all know why we’re here. Im not proud of myself and my actions. Learned a lot here and through my experience. What a ride. Tomorrow is also my birthday, so…that’s fun. 🙃
Edit: it’s the following day, today. It’s my birthday. I thought maybe he’d say something. Come to find out he blocked me on every platform. He’s never done this. I was fine…really. I had been over him. And I let him pull me back in. And he dropped me. Not even staying friends is a possibility. Why is this making me so emotional now? I didn’t mind much yesterday but now I’m feeling devastated. I know I’m better off, but I didn’t think I’d be hurt again by him. I need to just move on and stay true to my SO. Man, I am so depressed.